YAYYYYYYYY for TODAY!!! 2 YEARS

YAYYYYYYYYY...Today is my 2 year Cancer Free Anniversary!!!!.  2 years ago today cancer was removed from my body.  I am so very thankful to still be alive.  Yes the last couple of years have been tough but I am cancer free. I really didn't realize how mentally tough I am. But God knew.  He knew I could handle this battle and win.  Through the last 2 years I have been able to inspire women with cancer to have faith in God to help them thru this crazy journey.  I cry tears of happiness  that I made it this far.  2 years cancer free. You always fear the cancer will come back especially since I did keep one breast but God has been showering me with FAVOR.  I pray I will continue to receive His cancer free blessings for many many more years.  I plan on being around for my baby Dylan's children.  I am also thankful for the blessing of my loving husband.  He has loved me so much thru this and continues to shower me with more and more love.  That is the best medicine a woman  can get. When I start to fall he is right there to pick me up and dust me off and push me to keep going.  And I am thankful for my parents. They have been the best, being there to care for me, take me to appointments or just love on me when I needed them.  And can't forget my kids.  They keep a smile on my face.  My daughter makes me so proud of the woman she has become, she calls me almost everyday sometime several times a day. My middle son takes great care of me. Even tho he is becoming a young man he stills hugs and kisses me every morning and every night, and my baby boy won't let me be sad. He is always doing something to make me laugh and his little hugs and kisses and songs always make me feel better.  Yes I am a 2 YEAR SURVIVOR !

Post surgery

Wow that was an experience,  It was funny cause I didn't remember much that happened before my mastectomy last time.  That gosh darn lorazipan works wonders.  But this time I didn't take anything ... I was ready for this. I had the operating team laughing because I pretty much jump up on the table before they were ready for me..lol  Then afterwards ugggggggggg.. The pain was bad. it was getting close to labor pains.  I started to cry it was so bad.  I have a high pain threshold from dealing with the fibromyalgia.  That didn't make any difference I was hurting.. They kept giving me pain meds then they gave me liquid Tylenol.  That stuff works.  I'm on percocet now.  I seem to be in constant pain but not as bad as earlier.. It's like a burning sensation on the left side of my chest. I keep being told the results are worth it..  HMMMMMM they better be nice...lol  this mess hurts.

The good thing is I am able to move around better today.. got all that pain meds and anesthesia  from the hospital out of my system. My head doesn't feel fuzzy anymore. Now don't get me wrong I am so ever thankful for being able to have this surgery.  There are so many women that can't have reconstruction surgery for one reason or another. I have read the stories of my cancer friends and they seem to be going thru so much more than me.  I pray for them everyday.  These are some tough women. They make my journey look like a walk in the park. They still support and encourage me when needed. 

I am looking forward to healing so I can hold my baby Dylan again.  I kept kissing on him yesterday morning. He was looking at me like he knew why. I can't wait until I am able to tale him to the pool.  My big boy Jay has been such a blessing I really can't imagine life with out him. Nay couldn't come down because it was her first day on the job.  Last but definitely not least my hubby... he even went without food because I couldn't eat.  I love him so so much..

So now I focus on healing and moving.  Still got stuff to pack. I'm going to more of a director than anything else.  What a busy week we have.

Renewed Inspiriation

It's funny how God works.  Yesterday was my baby boy Dylan's 1st birthday.  Now lately I have been getting frustrated with having to deal with the side effects of the tamoxifen  to the point I just wanted to stop taking it.  Well after seeing my kids yesterday, my fab daughter Nay just graduating from college and Jay almost in Highschool and lil Dylan.. his life is just starting and don't forget my husband... the smiles on his face yesterday. I have to be around for a very very long time.  God is only going to do so much... I have to do my part also.

One of my husband's oldest friends told me yesterday that this is the happiest they have ever seen my husband in his life.  I wanted to cry.  I turned around and looked at him laughing with family, Jay running around with the little ones, Nay chatting away with friend and Dylan toddling around...all smiles.  This is all I ever wanted, to see my family happy.  I was very happy that my little brother Cory stopped by. Family is so very important to me. Family is worth fighting for my life.  God is not going to fight alone. I have to do my part.

God knows I am hardheaded.  So he will wait until he knows I will listen after I have suffered some. Knowing I will hear what He has to say.  This time he didn't have to speak.  He just showed me. When your eyes are opened by God it's very.....hmmmmmm.. I  can't even think of a word to describe the feeling.  I just know what needs to be done to get what I want.

Thank you God for my family as crazy and eclectic as they may be, I love them... thank you for renewing my need to fight this cancer with everything I have. 

Mother's Day

Mother's Day felt different for me this year. I was happy to have all my kids together but sadden at the same time for my husband's family,  Looking at my mother in law and her sisters knowing that had to bury their mother tomorrow breaks my heart.

I am happy to be free from cancer this Mother's day.  The meds they have me on are becoming a challenge but a challenge that is worth taking.  Just look at my 3 wonderful children.  Nay drove down for the day  It was nice sitting down and eating crabs with Nay and Jay. Dylan was sleep of course. I really enjoy being a mother. Listening to my daughter talk about her future and wanting to be a mom warms my heart.  I know she will be a great mother. I believe Jay will be an awesome dad some day.  He is so loving and caring.  As for my baby boy Dylan... it's hard to tell now but I know with the right guidance and love he will be just like his brother and sister.

I am happy to be a mom, momma and mommy. knowing I'm responsible for making these kids into responsible adults use to scare me but after seeing how my daughter turned out.... I'm pretty good at this mothering thing..lol

Thank you God for trusting me with these 3 children.

No Chemo (kinda long)

Ok yesterday I had a consultation with an Infertility doctor.  My Oncologist wanted me to meet with her to help make my decision about chemo.

First I don't need chemo.  It would be more of an insurance policy for me.  Killing off cancer cells just in case some stray active ones are in there.  It will take my chances of cancer showing up in 10 years somewhere else from 15% to 12%.  I will be on hormone therapy (tamoxifen) for 5 years but since I want to have at least 1 more child she agree to only 2 years then try to get pregnant then after the baby go back on for 3 years.  If I don't take the tamoxifen, my chances of getting cancer again is 45%.. so with that said I NEED the tamoxifen!

This has not been an easy decision.  I have been begging God for some help, BEGGING, He kept telling me to wait , hold still, I will know the answer.  Well that sucks He knows how I am about waiting...lol  I was leaning toward taking the chemo..Why?  I was scared. I didn't want to go thru this again. I was afraid I dying, not being here for my husband, my kids and new baby boy. Just plain scared. Even after meeting with the Oncologist twice, I wasn't feeling the chemo 100%.  Many family members wanted me to take the chemo, my daughter supports whatever I decide(that didn't help)..lol, my husband didn't, some friends said not to,others said do it. I started reading post on a breast cancer website from women who have the same cancer I do. All of that left me even more confused then ever.  Then I stopped begging and turned it over to God.  Early one morning while in prayer God told me He never left me, I I let go of his hand, that's why I was so scared.  I forgot His promise when all of this first started.  "This will not kill me"  That does not guarantee that the cancer will never come back... nothing can guarantee that but my major fear of dying has been calmed. When I let go of the fear and grabbed hold of God's hand again, confirmation started coming from everywhere that I don't need chemo.  I feel secure in my decision, my heart is at peace now. If the cancer comes back I truly believe it would have came back no matter what I could have done.  Nothing is 100% .  I will be taking on a healthier lifestyle than what I have been living. I know I need to take better care of myself than I have been. Thank You God for believing in me and trusting me and never leaving my side.  Some people might say the devil put fear in me but the devil had nothing to do with this.  I had to learn to trust God always and completely. Once I let go of the fear, the answer came to me so fast.  That is the lesson I learned,  You can't go to God with fear in your heart.  Let go of the fear and trust Him.  He will answer you.

Ok back to the Infertility doctor.  I found out that I am very very fertile  YAYYYY ME!!!   I do have fibroids. One that is in my uterus that needs to be removed, Other than that everything looks very good. She said we can harvest some eggs and freeze them so when I want to get pregnant I will have strong eggs. If I do have chemo I will become infertile.  That was the last nail in the chemo coffin.( plus I didn't want to lose my hair.. I just started to let it grow).  There have been plenty of women who become pregnant after taking tamoxifen.  Since I am no where near menopause and have young ovaries, I am no longer worried about being pushed into menopause by the tamoxifen. Now this whole invetro thing  is very expensive and there is some financial help from the Lance Armstrong organization but there is still $5000 we would have to pay. So what am I going to do........ Put it in prayer and hand it over to God.   He hasn't failed me.  I need to make a decision within the next week because I have to start some kind of treatment very very very soon. So this is the cancer side of my life.  The other side  of my life is a bit crazy right now that is a whole separate story tooo long to put here right now.  This whole cancer this still gets me down sometimes.. I guess I just tired of dealing with it.  Well I got to call my Oncologist and let her know what I have decided.

Holding onto God real tight right now!

Blessings

I haven't  written much lately because I have been pleasantly distracted.  We picked up our soon to be adopted son Dylan (10 months) on Good Friday.  God has blessed me with this little boy.  Giving him to me at the most perfect time.  Everything that I'm going thru right now I needed somebody who needs me more than anything. I don't think about what I don't have or even what I want.  I have somebody who needs are a little more important than mine. Matt made sure I was healed enough to be able to care for Dylan.  He even was a little surprise how well I was doing with him. I knew I was ready for this baby. He is the one person in my life that does not know about the breast cancer. He doesn't treat me gingerly as a matter of fact I get pushed in my chest often.  Good thing I'm still numb there..lol.  I still can't believe I am doing this all over again.  Ohh yeahhh did I tell you that this baby looks like me..lol    This little boy has won my heart.  I don't dwell on the bad stuff any more.  Evey thing is positive now, looking forward to many many many years with my kids. Mommy loves you Chardiney, Jayson and Dylan.

New family member

Wow Matt and I just brought home our son yesterday... Dylan, he is 10 months old.  I still doesn't seem real. We could have had him earlier but Matt wanted to make sure I was healed enough to care for  a baby. I am doing very well, of course my right side is still sore and I can't reach but so far and I feel like I have a brick in my chest.  I am driving some now.. Just running to the store..I get sore from driving too much.  I go for another fill on Tuesday.

I am so happy.  This will be the first Easter in a very long time that I will have all my kids together. Nay and Jayson are so taken with Dylan.  He seems crazy about them also.  He did great all day until bedtime. He fell asleep in my arms and every time I went to lay him down he would wake up right away crying.  I felt bad for him, knowing he was in a new place and wondering where are the things he was familiar with. I just kept reassuring him that everything is ok and I am here for him.  This family has so much love to give to him.  I am so happy we were able to take him and keep him out of the foster care system. 

God has truly blessed me,  a great husband, wonderful children and cancer free!!!!!

My Birthday

March 28,  I have turned 42 today.  The last year has been a whirlwind for me. I have had 2 surgeries (gall bladder removed & breast cancer) I got married to the most loving man made for me. I feel as tho my relationship with my son and daughter has grown deeper and stronger.  My family is growing in leaps and bounds. We got a cat named Jacob and soon my lil baby boy Dylan.  He will be with me on Good Friday.

I can't imagine this year past year without my husband. I love him more than word can express. He has given me strength to fight. He is my King, my partner. I had asked God for a man that goes to church.  God laughed at me and gave a Bishop...lol.  Being a pastor's wife is the last thing in the world I ever thought I will be.  I am learning and I am enjoying this road that God has put me on.

I am thankful I am on this earth for another year. As I look back, I notice my obedience has made the last year easier.  I didn't make a move unless God told me to.  Every decision God was consulted. Everything I have been thru has been a learning experience. My faith and trust in the Lord has gotten me this far and I plan on holding His hand for rest of the journey.  I'm starting to believe that sometimes he let go of my hand to allow me to feel the human side so I understand how it feels, so when the time comes I can really help some else in the same situation. But knowing no matter what, all I have to do is reach out and He will be there to take my hand again. 

God has a big plan he is preparing me for. This molding process has been tough and i know he is not finished.
I'm excited about this year.  So I'm holding on tight to God cause this is going to be one very interesting journey.

The Oncotype test results (chemo or no chemo)

 I went to see my surgeon yesterday to get the results of my Oncotype DX test.(to see if I need chemo) plus get a better understanding of my pathology report. Well the pathology report was good. my margins were clear and nodes negative. I originally had 2 tumors they found a 3rd. and the Dcis was 4.1 cm and no metastases, so the mastectomy was the best thing for me. so I had Stage 1A cancer. He said this was the best type to have.   Now normally that would be treated with just tamoxifen for 5 years BUT..... My Oncotype DX test was a 23 which put me in the middle of the middle of the chart for benefiting from chemo. The test tells me I have a 15% chance of the cancer coming back in 10 years or 85% of it never coming back. My surgeon is consulting with a team of 3 Oncologist today and will tell me what was said later this evening and then I will consult with them. This really suck because it falls in my hands on what to do. I didn't know where else to turn. Of course my husband doesn't want me to go thru chemo neither do I but it's one thing to not want it but need it (like the surgery)and another to not want it and maybe you will or maybe you wont benefit from it. How do you make such a decision for your life. This is so unfair Cancer sucks. I'm not looking for someone to make this decision for me. 

 God told me this morning that my fight is just beginning.  I know that I have way too much to live for.  I feel like I should flip a coin because this whole this is really up to chance. God tells me things change.  It has just really hit me that this is a fight I will be fighting for the rest of my life. My husband and children need me.  My daughter and I are planning a trip to Paris next year to celebrate me beating this mess.  I'm Mad now. I know some women are having a harder time then I am and I know my cancer is easier to deal with but this whole cancer this is just wrong. I still don't know what me decision will be i still need to meet with the Oncologist after my surgeon does.  I'm praying God will have an answer for me by then.  I guess I'm still waiting( the patience test..lol)

1 week later

It has been one week since my surgery.  How do I feel?  Good question.  I looked at myself in the mirror this morning.  I dunno, I didn't really feel any certain way.  I wasn't sad or mad,  just felt nothing.  Maybe because I know this is a process and before long I will look and feel normal again. I feel better than yesterday. Adjusting to my new body.  I'm so ready to workout, zumba or something. I know in time.

I had a dream the other day that I woke up and had both my breast and no cancer in my body.  This whole cancer thing was a dream.  It is still hard to believe sometimes.  I look at myself and wonder "did this really happen".  I don't feel like I'm living my life.  It gets really weird if you think about it too much.

I had a great talk with Nay(my daughter) this morning.  It feels good when you know that your child really appreciates everything you have done for them and they give you credit for who they have become.  My NayNay monster has grown up to be a fab young woman.  I miss having her around even tho we talk several times a day...lol    Hopefully I will hear something back about the pathology report today.  I'm ready to get moving on this.

Thank You God!!

It's Sunday February 19, 2012.  I want to Thank God for being there with me during this whole surgery thing and staying by my side during my recovery. My pain is easing up.. Soo BIG YAYYYY!!! for that..lol  I'm still taking it easy.  My fabo husband bought me this great soft, comfy recliner so it makes it easier for me to stay still..lol  I got some of the best sleep in this chair yesterday since the surgery.  Matt  is so wonderful and good to me.  Thank you God for him.
God has help me get into a good mental place.  I was really scared how I would feel after the surgery.  I thought I would be depressed and sad and crying.  I don't feel any of that.  I am a little self conscious of the unevenness of my breast but I am content.  I'm happy the surgery part is over. Mentally, I am in a good place.  God has put peace in my heart.  When you trust God, He makes everything so much easier to deal with.  This whole thing was getting to hard to handle and I had to hand it over to God.  As He promised He took care of it.  It's funny cause God kept telling me "I Got You".  That is all He was saying in the days up to my surgery. I know I still have more road to travel on the journey, I'm not worried God is traveling with me.

Recovering

Well everything is going well.  I'm a little sad that my daughter Nay had to leave but having her here to take care of me was great.  She did yell at me to stay still.. I think she enjoyed fussing me ...lol.  I moved around too much yesterday and tried to get up this morning and felt the most horrible pain.. So I will be moving a lot less today.  It's just weird for me to have others waiting on me.  My husband is being so wonderful.  He was up all night just to make sure I don't miss my pain meds.  I just love him so much.  He fussed at me to for moving around too much...lol  I took a look at myself yesterday.  It didn't upset me like I thought.  Now I am loop-sided but in a couple of months I will be just about even again.  Mentally I'm doing so much better.  God did tell me I will be alright. Now I'm just waiting for the pathology report.  I'm not worried about that either.  This part has been easier than I thought it would be.  so people had me so worried how I would feel after the surgery.  I was told I would be in soooo much pain and not going to be able to move much.  Well God has his hand on me and I feel great.(as long as I stay on top of the pain meds..lol)  I'm able to crochet and do my own hair ..I know the only thing that will drive me crazy is being stuck in the house.  But I'm resting and healing and I have cute pajamas.  I am a proud Breast Cancer Survivor! I can honestly say God has been by my side the whole way  :)

Day after surgery

Ok it's the day after surgery.  I am feeling better than I thought I would.  My daughter stayed overnight with me.  She is taking very good care of me.  They took the IV off early this morning, so I have more freedom. You know what's funny, the nurse kept wanting me to pass gas... it's funny to tell some stranger that "yeah i passed gas today"...lol   Good thing i didn't get my hair done.. I would have sweated out the style and be mad for wasting the money.  So that's on my todo list when I up to it.  Nay and I took a walk around for a little bit. I got to put on my cute Minnie Mouse pajama pants.  I'm loving my pain pills...lol  God kept his promise and I am doing well.  My surgeon came by and told me my lymph were negative..YAYYYYYYYYYY.  THANK YOU for all the prayers and good vibes sent my way. They worked,  I still feel weak but will be getting stronger and stronger everyday.  Now I'm just hoping I can go home today *crossing fingers*

This is soo HARD!!

Yesterday was a bad day.  I'm barely hanging on by a string.couldn't take my anti anxiety meds cause I has so much running around to do and I had to do laundry.  Have you ever NOT want to do something so bad it hurts, but know it needs to be done.  I need to do this in order to save my life. I DON"T WANT TO LOOSE MY BREAST. I don't want to have surgery, I don't want the pain .  I want my life back,  Even going back to my job is unsure because movement of my right arm will be limited for awhile.  I really don't know how long they can hold on to it for me. Nobody truly understands the pain that is so deep inside. This hurts, this whole thing hurts.  This is so unfair to my new husband and my kids.  I can't seem to stop crying... even tho making heart shape pancakes mad me smile this morning. Surgery tomorrow.I don't want it but I need it.  that sucks! I think yesterday is the hardest I cried since I found out about the cancer.  All this preparing is getting to me.  I wish God would use me to show the world a miracle. Right now I'm hurting so much inside.  I have to go for some injections today. So they can see if the cancer is trying to spread.. so if I don't answer your call and just text you please understand it's too hard to talk to anybody without getting upset and I don't want you to think it was you that upset me.  I guess I do need some counseling.  Right now is not a good time to ask "How are you doing?"  The answer is NOT GOOD.  I will probable write more later.

This Weekend

Ok this is the weekend before my surgery.  My nerves are getting bad..It's getting harder to hide them.  Matt and Jay and I watched Bad Teacher last night...very funny movie..I need funny movies right now.  We bought a couple of things that I will need after surgery.. That started to get to me until my brother "ROB" called me (I repeat I don't call him that)..lol  His calls seem to come at the perfect time to make me laugh.  Jay is being wonderful too.  He is getting real good with rubbing my feet to help me relax.  Nay is going to spend the night with me at the hospital.  I have been really blessed me with these 2 great kids. I have been trying to keep my mind busy.  The fibromyalgia has me very tired these days.  My Dr. told me its normal considering the stress I'm under.  Oh I have been cleared for surgery.  My blood pressure finally lower. I still have to watch my diet.  I think I need to start those anti anxiety meds again.  As much as I don't like them, they probably help my blood pressure.

  I'm glad we have the women's session tonight Detox 2012, Agape Christian Center 4601 York Road, Baltimore, MD 21212 @ 7pm.   ok there's my plug...lol  It's easier when I can focus on helping others and not thinking about myself.  I'm gonna go get my toes done so I will at least have pretty feet.  I was going to get my hair done but changed my mind because I will sleep on pain meds for quite a bit so I'm gonna wait until after surgery. I plan on crocheting while I recover so be on the look out for some of my new creations. :)  Now I just need to get laundry done and clean my bedroom and buy some PJs then, I think I will have everything ready.. I guess as ready as I'm gonna be

WOW

I really messed up today.  I totally forgot my appointment with the plastic surgeon.  I thought my appointment was Friday but NOOOOOO it was today.  They called me at 12 asking me if I was coming the appointment was at 11:30am.  What got me was that they said they had no other time available for me to be seen before the surgery. Plus they block out an hour of time for the consultation. So I only had 30 min left to see her.  I was a basketcase on the drive to the office.  I prayed and prayed asking God to make this appointment work.  I couldn't handle if I messed this up.  Well I got there at 12:20.  I was scared that they were going to say it was to late to see me but they were very  very nice and understanding.  And God did his thing and the patient after me had to reschedule so she was able to spend the time needed.  This is starting to become very real.  We were sitting there talking about cutting off a part of me and replacing it with something else.  This whole thing is just crazy.  I don't want to go through with this but what choice do I have.  I must get this cancer out of me.  Its all through out my breast so they can't just remove the lumps.  This sucks! The closer the day comes the more I don't want to think about it.  Well at least I can keep my hair.  No chemo or radiation, so I have that going for me. I'm so ready to get this over with so I can put it in the past.  so I will be spending the next couple of days getting things ready for Wed. I will admit it is getting harder and harder the closer I get. I know I will be ok.  God promised me that.

02/07/2012

 8 days until my surgery.  I still have  a lot to do to make sure everything is ready.  I just want to make sure my guys (Matt & Jay) are taken care of properly until I'm back on my feet.  At least Matt and I get to spend Valentines Day together before the surgery. I had spent some time with my dad yesterday..Funny  at 41 I still need that comfort of daddy time.  This whole thing still seem so unreal.  I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see a sick person.. My brain just can't seem to understand it.  The anxiety about the surgery is slowly starting to hit me. I go for my pre op physical today.  I haven't seen this Dr. since my diagnosis.  I have been seeing her for a couple of years..She will probably be shocked.  The fibromyalgia is starting to kick in.  This should be real interesting how my body reacts after surgery.  Well I'm only thinking good thoughts.  For some reason I just can't get mad.  I'm scared and nervous and feel it's unfair and I don't want this,  This is not fair to my new husband.  We are suppose to be growing our family, not fighting cancer! God has His reason. I must accept it even if I don't understand.  Really, what other choice do I have?

Thank You

Waking up feeling good today.  I want to thank my wonderful husband Matthew for loving me so much thru this and reminding me I'm beautiful no matter what happens. He has been so understanding on my bad days and he does what ever it takes to put a smile on my face (which is not hard for him to do). I also want to thank my kids, Chardiney and Jayson. They are so strong and supportive, They keep me laughing and make me fight harder. Talk about keeping me laughing, my brother Rob( not the name I call him lol),  had me laughing the day I got the news about the cancer.  No matter what bad news I call him with he finds some way to have me laughing before I get off the phone.  Thank you  for being such a great brother.  I want to thank Lashawn, my new cousin by marriage, for being by my side and helping me understand  and FIGHT this cancer.  The toughest part is yet to come. I know with all the love,support and prayers from everybody, my family and I will be just fine.. I thank you.  All the encouraging words and prayers have given me strength. Please continue to send them.  Just a side note.. I don't know how people get addicted to anti anxiety meds...when I take half a pill, Jay and Matt laugh at me cause they say I am moving in slow motion.Yes I do have to think harder when I take them but they will sit there and laugh at me...lol.  When I take a whole pill the world seems to slow down until I pass out sleep...lol  I can't take those things all the time.. but they were helpful when needed...lol.  This will be something we will be able to look back and laugh about.  Well, we laugh about it now  ....lol   Laughter is the BEST medicine and my family is full of that..hehe