TEARS

I sit here in tears.  I just heard that Robin Roberts of Good Morning America, cancer has come back.after 5 years. It is in her blood and bone marrow.  She did everything right.  She had chemo, ate right, exercise and had a very positive outlook on life. It came back. I know her cancer is different from mine but it shows no matter what you do it is all in God's hands.

I am starting to believe you can probably prevent some cancers but once you have  had it, if it comes back it will and there is really nothing you can do to prevent it from doing so. Some people get deal with it, and never see it again.  Others will fight it more than 1 time.  This was one of the reasons why I didn't do chemo.  They kept telling me it was preventive, like an insurance policy.  I would be furious if I had gone thru chemo and it still came back. This cancer thing really sucks.  I am hearing more and more women talk about their cancer coming back 5,6, 8 years later.  I really don't know what to think.  It kinda put you in a constant state of fear, the fear of not knowing.

All I know is that God told me that this won't kill me, but I see this will be a lifelong fight to live. I'm only at the 6 month mark. This makes me angry,  This is so unfair. God has his reasons and it's not for me to understand yet. God I trust you. Continue to guide me thru this journey.  Use me.


This is the article on Robin Roberts

Feeling Some Kinda Way

This last week or so has been very trying on my patience. Dealings with certain people, having to move because the owner of the house we rent, claim she can't afford(more like don't want to) fix the plumbing in the home I have only been in for 1 month. My baby girl graduating from college and I am not able to do much for her because of being out of work and needing every penny we got to move again. Accepting my treatment plan that will change my body maybe permanently.  It doesn't help that I am hormonal right now.  Everything really hit me when I got off the phone with my oncologist and told her I choose tamoxifen for my treatment and will not be doing chemo.  I am comfortable in my choice of no chemo.  Not crazy about the tamoxifen and it's possible side effects. For awhile there I really didn't have to deal with the cancer but I need to start treatment like NOW so my Dr. call in a prescription for tamoxifen so I can start today.  I was told to keep busy because it can cause blood clots.  Yayyyyy that's what i wanted to hear.  plus several other unpleasant side effects. But they keep saying that the benefit out weighs the side effects.. we will see.  I go back to see the oncologist in a month to see how I'm doing.  This whole thing just makes feel some kinda way.  It's hard to explain exactly.   Part of it is that I feel I have no control over this whole thing.  The only thing I was able to choose was not to take chemo. I dunno,  This whole cancer thing sucks. I have 5 years of this medication if my body can handle it. I'm really not looking forward to taking this stuff.

No Chemo (kinda long)

Ok yesterday I had a consultation with an Infertility doctor.  My Oncologist wanted me to meet with her to help make my decision about chemo.

First I don't need chemo.  It would be more of an insurance policy for me.  Killing off cancer cells just in case some stray active ones are in there.  It will take my chances of cancer showing up in 10 years somewhere else from 15% to 12%.  I will be on hormone therapy (tamoxifen) for 5 years but since I want to have at least 1 more child she agree to only 2 years then try to get pregnant then after the baby go back on for 3 years.  If I don't take the tamoxifen, my chances of getting cancer again is 45%.. so with that said I NEED the tamoxifen!

This has not been an easy decision.  I have been begging God for some help, BEGGING, He kept telling me to wait , hold still, I will know the answer.  Well that sucks He knows how I am about waiting...lol  I was leaning toward taking the chemo..Why?  I was scared. I didn't want to go thru this again. I was afraid I dying, not being here for my husband, my kids and new baby boy. Just plain scared. Even after meeting with the Oncologist twice, I wasn't feeling the chemo 100%.  Many family members wanted me to take the chemo, my daughter supports whatever I decide(that didn't help)..lol, my husband didn't, some friends said not to,others said do it. I started reading post on a breast cancer website from women who have the same cancer I do. All of that left me even more confused then ever.  Then I stopped begging and turned it over to God.  Early one morning while in prayer God told me He never left me, I I let go of his hand, that's why I was so scared.  I forgot His promise when all of this first started.  "This will not kill me"  That does not guarantee that the cancer will never come back... nothing can guarantee that but my major fear of dying has been calmed. When I let go of the fear and grabbed hold of God's hand again, confirmation started coming from everywhere that I don't need chemo.  I feel secure in my decision, my heart is at peace now. If the cancer comes back I truly believe it would have came back no matter what I could have done.  Nothing is 100% .  I will be taking on a healthier lifestyle than what I have been living. I know I need to take better care of myself than I have been. Thank You God for believing in me and trusting me and never leaving my side.  Some people might say the devil put fear in me but the devil had nothing to do with this.  I had to learn to trust God always and completely. Once I let go of the fear, the answer came to me so fast.  That is the lesson I learned,  You can't go to God with fear in your heart.  Let go of the fear and trust Him.  He will answer you.

Ok back to the Infertility doctor.  I found out that I am very very fertile  YAYYYY ME!!!   I do have fibroids. One that is in my uterus that needs to be removed, Other than that everything looks very good. She said we can harvest some eggs and freeze them so when I want to get pregnant I will have strong eggs. If I do have chemo I will become infertile.  That was the last nail in the chemo coffin.( plus I didn't want to lose my hair.. I just started to let it grow).  There have been plenty of women who become pregnant after taking tamoxifen.  Since I am no where near menopause and have young ovaries, I am no longer worried about being pushed into menopause by the tamoxifen. Now this whole invetro thing  is very expensive and there is some financial help from the Lance Armstrong organization but there is still $5000 we would have to pay. So what am I going to do........ Put it in prayer and hand it over to God.   He hasn't failed me.  I need to make a decision within the next week because I have to start some kind of treatment very very very soon. So this is the cancer side of my life.  The other side  of my life is a bit crazy right now that is a whole separate story tooo long to put here right now.  This whole cancer this still gets me down sometimes.. I guess I just tired of dealing with it.  Well I got to call my Oncologist and let her know what I have decided.

Holding onto God real tight right now!

Chemo or No Chemo???????

Well I met with my oncologist yesterday.  She explained my pathology report in more detail to me.  She also answered all my questions. I left that appointment feeling very informed and a little more equipped.  I found out that I had 4 lymph nodes removed instead of 1. And I had what she considers"good cancer" and my oncotype score was not bad.  she gave me the impression that she isn't completely sold on me benefiting from chemo.  Since I am only 5 weeks out from surgery, we still have time to decide on treatment.

I know all the pros and cons now.  pros for taking the chemo: 
1. Reduces the chances of the cancer coming back in 10 years from 15% to 12%
2. I will loose the hair on my legs = no shaving this summer..lol
3. I will only need 4 rounds chemo
4. I will save money on hair care products.

Ok the cons of chemo
1.  I finally let my hair grow...bye bye ( this is not fair, can't I just loose my leg hair)
2. my reconstruction will have to be postponed until 6 weeks after chemo (I really don't like this one) Instead of having it done in May or June.
3. good chance it will make me infertile
4. wearing a wig in the summer is HOT
5. no amusement parks for me this summer
6. toxic meds will be going thru my body
7. it's not 100% that the cancer won't come back some place else on my body
8. I will loose my eyebrows and eye lashes (  OH **** NOO) I don't want to be drawing on my face  to look normal, it will be bad enough that I have 1 fake boob.  the hair everywhere else can go.  Leave the hair on my head..lol
9. Other chemo side effects.....yuck
10. fibromyalgia and chemo does not sound like a good combo.

 That's all I can think of now.  If I look at it from the positive side.  without it I have a 85% chance of it not coming back some place else.  85% is not bad. Plus with a healthy diet and lifestyle I should be good to go.  I have put this in God's hands.  He did tell me to wait to make a decision.  So I am waiting right now.  I have time.  So chemo or no chemo.... I don't know yet.

Promises were kept.

I was promised that all I needed was surgery.  And yes that was all I needed to get rid of the present cancer. God kept his promise to me.  He also told it it wasn't going to be easy.  I had questioned that because I actually having a easy time healing with no problems or complications.  I thought I had this cancer thing in the bag, thrown out, gone, CANCER FREE.  Well God did keep his promise, all I needed was surgery to rid my body of this cancer.  Then I find out that there was more cancer in my breast then what was first found and my test score came back higher then I had expected.  So I asked God "What is up with this?  You promised all I needed was surgery."  Now the fight is to keep it from coming back.  This is so much harder than I ever expected.  Some people reactions are really throwing for a loop.  I am so scared...so so scared. I don't want to go thru this again.  Nothing is guaranteed.  God did tell me I wouldn't die from this.  Did he mean breast cancer or cancer in general?  I'm praying for help in this decision. I'm being told to wait.  I guess the answer will be clear when the time is right. My surgeon said that the oncology team highly recommend chemo because of my young age and that multiple tumors were found. I believe that if i didn't have the surgery when I did, it would have spread to my lymph nodes then there wouldn't be any questions. But God had my Dr. move quickly cause he was concerned about my lymph nodes. Sometimes I wonder if I should have had my other breast removed but I don't think that would have helped much since the cancer can show up else where in my body ie: bones,liver.

What to do...what to do..All God is telling me right now is wait. That is what I have been doing but the wait is not easy.  God has been honest with me and no matter what others may think He is what have been guiding me. He has not steered me wrong yet on this journey. I'm holding on to my faith with all my might. I was told this will be tough... I guess this is the rough, rocky road I'm about to travel. All I can do is strap on my seat belt and had God the keys.

The Oncotype test results (chemo or no chemo)

 I went to see my surgeon yesterday to get the results of my Oncotype DX test.(to see if I need chemo) plus get a better understanding of my pathology report. Well the pathology report was good. my margins were clear and nodes negative. I originally had 2 tumors they found a 3rd. and the Dcis was 4.1 cm and no metastases, so the mastectomy was the best thing for me. so I had Stage 1A cancer. He said this was the best type to have.   Now normally that would be treated with just tamoxifen for 5 years BUT..... My Oncotype DX test was a 23 which put me in the middle of the middle of the chart for benefiting from chemo. The test tells me I have a 15% chance of the cancer coming back in 10 years or 85% of it never coming back. My surgeon is consulting with a team of 3 Oncologist today and will tell me what was said later this evening and then I will consult with them. This really suck because it falls in my hands on what to do. I didn't know where else to turn. Of course my husband doesn't want me to go thru chemo neither do I but it's one thing to not want it but need it (like the surgery)and another to not want it and maybe you will or maybe you wont benefit from it. How do you make such a decision for your life. This is so unfair Cancer sucks. I'm not looking for someone to make this decision for me. 

 God told me this morning that my fight is just beginning.  I know that I have way too much to live for.  I feel like I should flip a coin because this whole this is really up to chance. God tells me things change.  It has just really hit me that this is a fight I will be fighting for the rest of my life. My husband and children need me.  My daughter and I are planning a trip to Paris next year to celebrate me beating this mess.  I'm Mad now. I know some women are having a harder time then I am and I know my cancer is easier to deal with but this whole cancer this is just wrong. I still don't know what me decision will be i still need to meet with the Oncologist after my surgeon does.  I'm praying God will have an answer for me by then.  I guess I'm still waiting( the patience test..lol)

Feeling some kind of way

I'm feeling some kind of way today.  Today is the day I get the results of the OncotypeDX Test (tells me the chances of the cancer coming back).  I find out if I need chemo or not.  I know God told me "just surgery"  He also told me I will be ok.  Me and my family have been given so many blessings sine we found out about the cancer.  God has told me this road will be tough and hard but it will be worth it in the end.  I was also told that there are more blessings to come.

While looking over the paperwork and my pathology report I notice that my cancer had changed.  When it was first found they were a stage 0 and stage 1.  By the time of surgery they were a stage 1 and stage 2.  The tumors had grown larger. So I know several of my other numbers that they use as markers must have increased. That is why I am concerned.  I wonder if the original treatment plan has changed.  God has me on this road where I don't know where I going and all I know is I will be ok at the end.  This is not easy to surrender all to God (especially when I like to control everything...lol)  I know this is a test of my faith and each time I hold on He blesses me for my obedience. I'm not sure if being scared is what I'm feeling or worry.. I don't know what it is I just feel some kind of way.

I still don't like taking a shower.  I haven't gotten use to my new body.  The good thing is that when I went to church this past Sunday, you couldn't tell anything was gone cause I have so  much padding compressing me I look almost even.lol   I know I will have new boobs by summer..... There goes that test of patience again I guess..lol.. This blog has been great therapy. I have been reading other survivors stories too.  They seem to help a lot. So tonight I find out how I will be spending my spring and summer.  All I keep hearing is God saying" I got you"

My 1st Shower

I took my first shower today......  It was a very surreal moment.  Bandages gone, drain tube gone, breast gone.  All I could do is look at myself in the mirror.  The last shower I took was the morning of my surgery. I had to wash with that special stuff the Dr. gave me so it would reduce infection.  I had smelled like medicine ..lol  Today I was able to wash with my own shower gel.  As I stepped into the shower I was kinda scared to get the right side wet.  I am still numb in that area and under my arm. I was happy with my body.  I was very proud of the body I had at the age of 41, especially my breast.. I really really liked them.  Now I have to get use to this new body.  I know I will have a new breast soon but its not the same.  The shower felt good.  I didn't do much with the "right"side because it is still healing so I just washed around it.  I'm praying my test comes back that I don't need chemo or radiation. This going too take some time getting use to.

PATHOLOGY REPORT

The Dr. called me last night with the pathology report.  I had 2 tumors, the 1st was a stage 0 DCIS tumor. Pretty much meaning it was 1cm or smaller in found in my milk ducts. The 2nd  was a stage 1(the mammogram found this one) invasive tumor, this one was a little over 2cm in size.  Both are fed by estrogen.  So with all that said there is another test I have to have done.  Its called OncotypeDX.  Because my cancer was found so early and it did not spread to lymph nodes and its estrogen fed, I qualify for the test.  This test determines the probability of the cancer coming back.. There is a score from 0 to 100 the lower the score, the less  chance of recurrence.  A score of 0 to 8  no need for chem.  9 -30 need to consider possibility of needing chemo, 31 and above I really need to consider chemo.  So I have to wait another 2 weeks for those results. God is truly teaching me patience...lol  So I won't know how I am going to be treated for another 2 weeks. I guess that's good with everything not hitting me all at once. I just kinda feel its just dragging out longer. Oh well like I have said before this is God's plan and I can't rush Him, so I will just sit back and enjoy the ride because God is in control and He keeps telling me "I GOT YOU"