Menopause

This whole menopause thing is interesting.  I have been thrown in what is called Surgical Menopause.  So my hormones have been snatched away completely so my body is adjusting and depleting what I had left in my system.  Since I was on Tamoxifen my body was somewhat adjusting to lower estrogen and I was having some menopause symptoms.  I had some hot flashes before but NOW this mess is crazy.. one moment I burning up sweating and the next I am freezing.  I am constantly taking clothes off and putting them on.  I carry my breast cancer blanket around cause I get cold quick. I haven't had any real mood swings.  I really don't feel either way.  Tamoxifen made me want to fight and I angered easily.  I don't feel that way anymore ( good thing for those nurses at the hospital) .  Now I do tear up easily. So sad movies even sad news stories get to me... I find it kinda funny because I know why I'm so teary eyed.

This is a new phase in my life. It's different.  It's taking some time getting use to my new body.  It feels different and looks different but in time it will be better than it was before.  I am looking forward to working out maybe start running like my lil sister. She is doing marathons..maybe someday we can run one together. I heard exercise really help menopause symptoms. I can't wait to get clearance from my dr. In time I will be "normal " again.  Well normal for me...lol

Surgery

I got the news on 9/11 that I have to have a complete hysterectomy next Wed.  I also found out that because of the size of my uterus ( size of someone 5 to 6 months preggo) and how fast it grew it has cause other issues inside of me(part of it from the tamoxifen) that's why I need surgery so soon.  He is moving other people out the way to fit me in. 

Dr. Miller is great.  He was very very thorough with telling me all my options and the pros and cons of everything and the effect it will have on my body. He explained everything that is going on inside..... and there is alot happening in there, much more than I knew. 

I was very disappointed with the news of the hysterectomy.  I understand why I need it and I welcome feeling better. Plus it will improve the chances of the cancer not coming back even more. It's just not what I wanted.  It eliminates any chance of having a child with my husband.  It still hurts when I sit and think about it. That was something I wanted to really share with him.  I am thankful for the 3 children I do have.  I think it is awesome that my lil Dylan looks like me even tho I didn't give birth to him. :) .

For many many years I wouldn't follow God's plan for me.  Thinking I knew what was best or what I can do better.  In Aug of 1997 God forced me on his plan.  It wasn't easy and it wasn't painless but I am so glad He did it.  See I get these ideas in my head and God has a way of letting me know that is not what He has planned for me.  Like right after I got the news it took me an hour to get home(normally 30 min trip)  I had time to process what I was told.  I was still in shock but God had time for me to hear Him and I understood why a little better.  I don't like it but I understand. Ohhhh yea.. Now the day I find out this news, that night my phone dies.  The one time I put my phone in Dylan's diaper bag, his sippy cup leaks on my phone.  I didn't get a new phone until noon the next day.  It was weird sitting in the house not talking to somebody about what was happening.  Then I realized that God wanted me to think and plan this out and I wouldn't have been able to if I was on the phone so much.

I'm not upset anymore. I am content with what has to be done.  See during my quiet time yesterday I thought about the positive ..... I won't have a period anymore!!! YAYYYYYYY.  He said that I won't feel much different than I do now on tamoxifen. I can handle that. NO MORE PMS!!!!!!!!  and I suffered and my family did also...lol    I will save money on feminine products..Thank the Lord.... I will loose weight getting rid of my preggo stomach.  I will feel better in general.  I haven't felt really well in years. So I am looking forward to being able to be "normal" again. Goodness the fibromyalgia has been a cake walk compared to this mess I have been dealing with lately....lol

In general I will be a much healthier person after this surgery.  Yes I am very tired of being cut on and I will have a new scar but they will be my battle scars, my survivor scars.  They are proof of the things I have overcame.  Some of them have made me sad and some have made me happy ( the boob job...lol)  But all of them have made me better and stronger.

YUCKY TAMOXIFEN

Tamoxifen is yucky.  I feel like being a little kid and falling out on the floor kicking and screaming.  I  haven't felt well for the last 2 weeks. I thought it was just back spasms again. but after a week and a half and the pain got worst I had to go back to the ER.  Well Well.... they had to give me morphine to stop my pain and then I had a CAT scan (for the 3rd time in 3 months).  This time they found a mass on my ovaries and  found that my uterus is the size of a six month pregnant woman.  Yes I do look preggo. OK... They did an ultrasound and found that the mass was just fluid and not cancer and I did have a cyst on a ligament connected to my ovary.  I also found out that I have more fibroids then I thought. UGGGGGG

Now I did ask my Oncologist if I should have the fibroids that I did have removed before starting tamoxifen.  She didn't think I would have a problem.... Well guess what... I am having problems!!!  Tamoxifen is known to cause fibroids and cause them to grow.  I am surprised how fast they have grown. I have stopped taking the tamoxifen because I don't want to look 9 month pregnant in a couple of weeks.  My Oncologist is looking for an Oncology GYN for me.  She feels they can treat me best at this time.  I just want these things out of me.  I finally got my boobs looking like I want now I look pregnant.  Maybe at 50 I get my body back....lol 

To be honest I wasn't taking the meds like I was suppose to, except for this last month.  I did take it almost everyday.  I'm thinking if I took them like I am suppose to from the beginning I would probably look 9 months preggo now.

The major issue I am having now is that I am tired of being cut up.  Within the last year I have had my gall bladder removed, a breast removed and reconstruction surgery.  I am tired of surgeries.  The only other surgery I have had in my life was a c-section and it was worth all the pain cause it was to bring my daughter into this world.  Now because of YUCKY TAMOXIFEN I will need another surgery.  Cancer sucks!!!!!  I am hoping they can do some kind of laser surgery or something. I won't know until I meet with this new Dr. So this will make doctor #5 to add to my list..lol  

Now the spiritual side of me knows that God is challenging me and watching how I am handling this.  Well God I got this!!  No matter how tired I get I will keep fighting.  I know when this is all well and done I will be rewarded.  God just needs to see how strong I am.  Well you got one tough chick here.  I have too much to live for. I might fuss and whine at times but it doesn't weaken my fight. Thank you God for trusting me and using me.  I still think tamoxifen is yucky...lol

HAPPY

It has been awhile since I last posted.  I got clearance from my plastic surgeon to shop for regular bras...YAYYYYY.   I will get my nipple reconstruction in Nov.  The side effects from the tamoxifen has calmed down a bit.  Except my fibroids getting so large I look pregnant.  I see the GYN this week to discuss what to do to fix it.  Other than that I am happy.  I look normal and I feel almost normal.

I ran into 2 people who haven't seen me since last year.  One of the ladies didn't even know I had cancer.  she said looking at me she would never have known.  That made me feel sooooo good .  I smiled so hard. I realized I have been blessed to not have to struggle as bad as some women have.  I am actually having a pretty easy time of this.  I thank you Lord.... Oh how I thank you. The the next day I saw my old boss from Jackson Hewitt.  The last time she saw me was 2 weeks before my mastectomy.  She is the one who sent me the yummy fruit basket.  Well she said I looked awesome.. Again I was smiling hard and feeling very blessed.

I don't think most people understand that when something has changed on your body that wasn't really by choice, how abnormal you feel. Yea I stuffed my bra until the reconstruction and after the one breast was so swollen I wore very very loose tops so you couldn't see the unevenness.  Inside I didn't feel normal.  I wondered if I will ever feel that way again. I didn't want people to look at me with that look of pity in there eyes.  I just wanted them to see Candy,  the wife , the mom, the friend.  I'm getting my wish now, and it feels very good.  Yea my stomach looks like I'm several months pregnant, I feel good and from what people tell me I look good..lol lol. 

I am a 6 month breast cancer survivor!!!!!!!  Every day and every month and every year is important.  I want people to look at me and say "this is what surviving breast cancer looks like"  I am happy, somewhat happy with my body but this is a work in progress.  I know once the anniversary of my cancer comes around, I WILL be happy with my body again. 

Appointment with Oncologist

Yesterday was my follow up appointment with my Oncologist since I have been on tamoxifen.  Well I'm alive.  The cancer is gone.  The pain in my left breast(the healthy one) is the nerves healing.   It feels like I'm being shocked in my breast. I found out that my fibroid is the size of my palm and I need that removed.  I might have bursitis in my hip. I am slightly anemic, my uterus is enlarged and I have the beginnings of kidney stones.  I think thats it for now.  Plus I still have another treatment to start but since I am feel so bad on this one she want to wait a bit and does not want to make me feel worst than I do already.

I have to look at this as the process God is having me go thru for me to be whole again. As much as I dislike tamoxifen, I need it to keep the cancer from coming back. It's so much at one time, It's mind-boggling.  If I didn't have my faith I would be crazy right now.

So the journey continues, more doctors, more meds. So far I'm healing well from the reconstruction.  The Dr. really believes my bad back spasms were from being on the table too long. so I guess that's good.

Well I'm holding onto God's hand knowing everything will be ok

Reconstruction Day

It is hard to believe that today I will have my reconstruction surgery.  There have been moments where I actually forget that I had cancer. Then I am given a reminder either with the tamoxifen or my hard right "breast"  The only thing I am not happy with is that I have to wait until 11 to go to the hospital.  I couldn't eat or drink anything after 12 midnight.  We still have packing to do, so I will be keeping myself busy packing until Matt takes me to the hospital. 

We are also moving this week but I won't be moving anything after today.  This house is falling apart.  Ok we got the sewage back up in the basement and the wall leaking in the basement then the hole in my kitchen ceiling showing the bathtub pipes and now the ceiling in the leaking wall room fell in.  this house is literally falling apart around us. I am so happy we are getting out of here this week.

It is weird, I am having very mixed feelings right now.  I'm excited, nervous,scared and angry that I even had to go thru this. I never had any surgery except a c-section for my daughter 23 years ago.  I turn 40 and I fall apart. 1st my gall bladder didn't want to stay a week after my birthday and then my breast didn't want to stay 2 weeks before my wedding. I thought I was doing pretty good health wise.  I eat pretty healthy, I don't smoke, I might have a drink once or twice a year even then I don't drink much.  It's crazy how cancer picks it victims. Well I'm pissed.  I was very happy with my breast BC  (before cancer).  Well one good thing about this is that I can go without a bra  :)  So as soon as the bandages come off Summer dresses here I come...lol 

I thank God for keeping my sanity.  You go thru so many different feelings once you are told you have cancer, that you feel kinda crazy at time. My faith in God has kept me sane ( now I know others might question the sane part..lol).  Thank You Lord for loving me and keeping me.  I couldn't have done it without you.  This journey isn't over yet.

Improving

Ok with help from my husband I have been taking my meds like I am suppose to and my body seems to be adjusting.  I have not felt as bad as I did when I first started.  I see my Oncologist a couple days after my surgery. The fatigue is still bad but I did some research and I probably need to take some vitamin D. My levels were borderline before the cancer because of the fibromyalgia. So I will picking up some today.  If not I will sleep my life away...lol So I am feeling better.  I'm not scratching like a crackhead as much, the headaches are gone.  Now hot flashes.... still get those.  It makes it hard to have a cute haircut when you keep sweating it out every night.  I just might get my hair braided for awhile.

 It is kinda hard to believe that reconstruction is next week. Jan 4 2012 the day I found out I had cancer seems so far away.  It's funny how some dates are burned in your brain. Like the Big C day (Jan 4th 2012) and the Mastectomy day( Feb 15, 2012) and now New Boob Day( Jun 18, 2012).  New Boob day is a happy day to remember. I do need to have some other things done not cancer related but if I can do it with out surgery I will.  I have been looking into my options.

I'm doing well.  Me and tamoxifen are still not friends but we are getting along better.  God told me this journey won't kill me but it will be tough.  I'm a lot stronger than I thought.

Renewed Inspiriation

It's funny how God works.  Yesterday was my baby boy Dylan's 1st birthday.  Now lately I have been getting frustrated with having to deal with the side effects of the tamoxifen  to the point I just wanted to stop taking it.  Well after seeing my kids yesterday, my fab daughter Nay just graduating from college and Jay almost in Highschool and lil Dylan.. his life is just starting and don't forget my husband... the smiles on his face yesterday. I have to be around for a very very long time.  God is only going to do so much... I have to do my part also.

One of my husband's oldest friends told me yesterday that this is the happiest they have ever seen my husband in his life.  I wanted to cry.  I turned around and looked at him laughing with family, Jay running around with the little ones, Nay chatting away with friend and Dylan toddling around...all smiles.  This is all I ever wanted, to see my family happy.  I was very happy that my little brother Cory stopped by. Family is so very important to me. Family is worth fighting for my life.  God is not going to fight alone. I have to do my part.

God knows I am hardheaded.  So he will wait until he knows I will listen after I have suffered some. Knowing I will hear what He has to say.  This time he didn't have to speak.  He just showed me. When your eyes are opened by God it's very.....hmmmmmm.. I  can't even think of a word to describe the feeling.  I just know what needs to be done to get what I want.

Thank you God for my family as crazy and eclectic as they may be, I love them... thank you for renewing my need to fight this cancer with everything I have. 

me not like Tamoxifen

Being on tamoxifen will be a challenge.... a challenge to continue taking these pills.  Most people take medicine to feel better.  Its hard to keep taking a pill that makes you feel worst than you did when you didn't take it.  The fatigue, joint pain and nausea sucks.  The hot flashes, I can handle. Give me a fan and I am happy.  I really hate that something that can save my life makes me feel so bad. :(   I guess I'm just having one of those bad days. 

Still looking for a place to live.  The one good this is that my baby boy is turning 1 year old on Sat.  He likes being around lots of people so this party should be fun.  He is walking ... well he can walk until he gets excited..lol it's funny to watch.

Looking at my kids pushes me to take these pills. I know it won't be forever but 2-5 years seems a long time. I tell you, my faith in God and and constant reminders of God's promises to me... I really don't know how I would have gone thru this.  Thank You God.

June 18th Yayyy!!!

June 18th is the day of my reconstruction. It is the day that I will feel almost normal again.  I will feel completely normal when I stop taking the tamoxifen. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I won't have to stay overnight.  YAYYY!!  Jay will be out of school to help me with Dylan for a couple of days. Oh I found out that my baby girl starts he NEW JOB with Discover as a credit analyst on the same day.  I am so proud of her. Now we just need to move into new home asap ( landlord doesn't want to fix some major problems with the house) and everything will be great.

I know my journey is not over but in June i will feel like that half  the race has been ran. Feb. 15th seems so far away, That was the day my body was changed. Jan 4, was the day my life was changed. 

Now this tamoxifen.  I didn't take it for 2 days cause I was just feeling so bad on it I started back up on Tues. feeling a little better.  Still having trouble staying asleep, now I have lower back pain.  The nausea isn't as bad if at all, no headaches, I do seem to be thirsty a lot.  The fatigue is still bad but I also feel that has a lot to do with my lack of restful sleep. 

So today I will start packing up this house cause we got to move no matter what. I'm glad I am strong enough to take care of this.. With this tamoxifen in my system, it will take a bit longer.  But I'm tough...lol.  I guess we will go house hunting this weekend. Still hanging in there.

tamox. day 4

I having the same old side effects as before.  I really need to start exercising cause I feel weak and tired more now.  I know there is a lot going on in my life with my husband's family in mourning over his grandmother.  It's so hard to watch them go thru this around Mother's day.  Plus with this house falling apart and trying to find a place to move to is stressful.  Breathe....... Breathe  I starting to have some hip pain but I'm not sure if its fibro or the meds.  I have had a constant sore throat like I got a cold coming on or something.  who knows. Maybe I just need more sleep.

tamox day 3

727 more days to go on this stuff.  The Dr. said 2 years then I can try to have a baby.  727 days to go.   I'm having hot flashes now.  I sitting here with a fan blowing on me.. I guess me and this fan will become good friends in the next 727 days. Still itchy,  fatigue and a headache that feels like a migraine is trying to start. The nausea has started but it's not that bad more irritating then anything else. Something else is happening, it's not exactly mood swings but a constant state. I can't say that I'm mad but just don't get on my nerves right now...lol  I guess I feel more aggressive.  Who knows.... these meds are very interesting. Well that's is what is going on so far with this stuff. 

Bottle of tamoxifen

As I drove tot he drug store yesterday, I wanted to cry. I was finally going to pick up my prescription of tamoxifen. Jay walked in the store with me, for some reason having him there with me helped.. I guess cause I won't cry in front of him. I stay strong for him. When they laid the bottle on the counter, I didn't want to pick it up. I just looked at it and then asked if I can get auto refill for it.  I will be on it everyday for the next couple of years at least. The pharmacist went to the computer asked my name, the asked which one.  i was like OMG I got to say this out loud.  It took a bit but I was able to say "tamoxifen". I heard the tone in her voice change a bit.  It seem to happens a lot when people find out you had breast cancer. I picked up the bag and just looked at it. This is really happening. I have to take this stuff.  Another reminder of this battle with cancer.

Jay asked me if I was ok while we were walking out the store... I had to straighten my face.  I told him I was fine. He hugged me and said OK.  He knew just what to do to put a smile on my face.  His hugs are magic. It was an instant reminder why I'm taking this medicine. When we got home, I immediately went online to look up  more info about tamoxifen.... best time to take it, how to minimize the side effects, are there any good side effects, and anything else I could find.  I did find out I can't eat grapefruit  :(  I really like grapefruit and I really shouldn't have caffeine :(  I like my coffee.. I NEED my coffee sometimes  :(  oh well.  To see the smile on my son's face is worth it. There were some other things but these stood out more right now...lol

So I took my first pill late last night. With much hesitation I did it. I didn't sleep much last night.  So much is going on, Nay graduating, Matt's dear grandmother passing, my daddy being sick, my house falling apart and needing to move because of a stinky landlord, needing to start some kind of therapy so the cancer won't come back, looking for a place to live. Helping Jay deal with his "birth father"  Did I say I need to pack up the house I just unpacked....  I'm holding on. I can tell you one thing.. God sure does have a lot of faith in me. All I can do is give God control... or I will be crazy...lol

Feeling Some Kinda Way

This last week or so has been very trying on my patience. Dealings with certain people, having to move because the owner of the house we rent, claim she can't afford(more like don't want to) fix the plumbing in the home I have only been in for 1 month. My baby girl graduating from college and I am not able to do much for her because of being out of work and needing every penny we got to move again. Accepting my treatment plan that will change my body maybe permanently.  It doesn't help that I am hormonal right now.  Everything really hit me when I got off the phone with my oncologist and told her I choose tamoxifen for my treatment and will not be doing chemo.  I am comfortable in my choice of no chemo.  Not crazy about the tamoxifen and it's possible side effects. For awhile there I really didn't have to deal with the cancer but I need to start treatment like NOW so my Dr. call in a prescription for tamoxifen so I can start today.  I was told to keep busy because it can cause blood clots.  Yayyyyy that's what i wanted to hear.  plus several other unpleasant side effects. But they keep saying that the benefit out weighs the side effects.. we will see.  I go back to see the oncologist in a month to see how I'm doing.  This whole thing just makes feel some kinda way.  It's hard to explain exactly.   Part of it is that I feel I have no control over this whole thing.  The only thing I was able to choose was not to take chemo. I dunno,  This whole cancer thing sucks. I have 5 years of this medication if my body can handle it. I'm really not looking forward to taking this stuff.