THE DEVIL CAN'T STEAL MY JOY!

Hello,  It has been quite some time since my last post.  Well the devil tried to distract me, even tho I didn't make a post I didn't forget.  Yesterday February 15th 2016 I am 4 years cancer free. 4 long years but I have made it,  God has kept me.. THANK YOU LORD....HALLELUJAH!!!  The devil tried... yes he did but he lost that battle. God is keeping his promise to me.  This journey hasn't been easy but it would have been much harder with God in my life.  God gave me the best husband who have loved me more and more the past 4 years.  I am so very thankful for him.

I was reading a post from 4 years ago and all I could do is cry because I remember that pain. http://candybradby.blogspot.com/2012/02/this-is-soo-hard.html  I remember wondering what my life is going to be like after the mastectomy. I was hurting.  BUT GOD!!!  I don't feel that pain anymore.  God has used me and has showed me His love.  In my worst pain God kept me.  The devil tries to convince you to give up, the pain won't go away, things will never get better.... IT'S A LIE.  Trust in God... Trust Him... I am living proof... read my older post.  It will look bad.. real bad like when I had the brain tumor 2 years ago.  I have videos right after surgery on my Facebook page Surgery Video Now I see why the Lord had me write this blog, to show people living proof trusting in Him in your darkest hour He will come thru.

4 years....  I just took it one day at a time, one week at a time one month at a time and now I can count years at a time.  Yes my life has changed, my body has changed and even my mindset but with the love from my husband, children and family and my church family and last but not least my God I feel stronger than ever. I feel I am living testament to my church's(House Of Champions International Church and Ministries) mission statement.  This is just part of it " No weapon formed against us shall prosper as we are called we are more than conquerors in the Word! We are winners in every area of our lives and we shall all prosper in all that we do. In my darkest hour I asked God to use me.  Thank you for listening Lord.   Yayyyy me 4 years cancer free!!

NEW LIFE..... Are You Thriving!!!

The last 2 days of my life I feel so ALIVE. A great friend gave me some samples of a nutritional supplement. OMG I haven't felt this great since I was in my twenties!!!!  I was given LeVel THRIVE.  I have tried many products over the years trying to come off of meds for  fibromyalgia.  If you know my story I am a 2 1/2 year breast cancer survivor and have had several surgeries over the last 2 1/2 years and recently recovering from brain surgery where a benign meningoma was removed.  I have been married for only 2 1/2 years.  So it has truly "for sickness and health"..lol  I have gain quite a bit of weight over the last couple years and fatigue  & I have become very close against my wishes.  I have been dealing with fibromyalgia since I was 25.  I am 44 now.  The last 2 days I have had energy like never before and NO... I mean NO crashing.  My mind has been so clear and I can think and concentrate better.  I have gotten so much done in the last couple of days.  I can keep up with my 3 year old son.  Now this makes me cry because he would really wear me out by the afternoon.  Now it's my turn. OHH..OHHHHH   The aches and pains....what is that????..lol  I haven't had  to take any pain meds.  I can exercise now and loose this weight.  Thrive has also cut down my cravings I really don't want tings that are real sweet. Oh YES menopause... My hot flashes.... I can actually count how many I have a day and they are no where as intense as they were before THRIVE...THANK YOU GOD!

I am so excited about this new start to my life.  My body feels AWESOME  Thank You Chris Belin for introducing my husband and I to this product. Thrive has really changed my life.  I feel normal again.  I don't feel like I have to struggle or work as hard as everyone else just to live.  I can give my husband the wife he originally married and my kids the mom they deserve.  If you suffer  Please just check this stuff out.  It could change your life like it has mine.  This video is proof just Day 1 of THRIVE

Post by Matthew E. Bradby II.

Surgery Day

Well Mindy the Meningioma will have to be forced out!!.  Surgery is at 7:30am but I have to be at the hospital at 5:15am  Of course I can't sleep, which is fine because I will get plenty during the 9 hour surgery..uggggg  that is long.  Yesterday I had all my pre op test done and another MRI.  They put markers on my head that I had to keep on.  People were looking at me funny when I went to the store with these disks on my head. They go from behind 1 ear all the way around to the other ear. Looking forward to all this being over.  You know the crazy part.  I have not cried about this,  God has place me in such a peaceful state.  I just know I will be ok.  Just like with the breast cancer, it won't be easy but I will be just fine.  I trust God. I believe that I am to touch someone's life that I otherwise wouldn't have if I didn't go thru this.  I have already met some very nice people today who were surprised I was able to laugh and still be happy. Why not be happy?  I rather be happy than sad, I rather laugh than cry. Like I said before I trust God is doing what is in my best interest.  I did ask him to use me as He sees fit. And He is doing that...lol   The next time you will hear from me will be after the eviction takes place..... Love you all and take care

The Eviction Papers Have Been Served!

Ok Mindy the Meningioma have been served her eviction papers.  With God's help she can leave on her own or with the surgeons help be forced out.  She needs to leave my head.  She is causing more and more problems the longer she stays. It's bad enough I have lost some hearing in my right ear and have that constant ringing going on. I can't walk at a normal pace without getting dizzy. It is difficult to stay focused on anything for any period of time.  I went to a wedding yesterday and we were home by 3 and I was in the bed the rest of the day. I wake up at 5am to a splitting headache. I can't take anything but tylenol (which doesn't do a thing for me) so I suffer because of Mindy GRRRRRRRRRR.  SHE GOT TO GO!  So I find out tomorrow which way she decides to go.  I have to have another MRI before the surgery. I would like for her to take God's assistance and just disappear. Mindy has been a true pain. If the surgeon has to be the one to remove her, I plan on continuing my blog at the hospital. My daughter and husband will probably have Facebook post about my recovery from surgery. I still believe God will do whatever is in my best interest. Maybe a great blessing will come about with me having surgery.  Who knows God's plan.  I guess I will find out tomorrow.

Surgery Postponed

I don't know if it is good news or bad news..... The Neurosurgeon called me himself last night to let me know he wants to reschedule my surgery because his people took another look at my films and saw that I do not have an acoustic neuroma but I do have meningioma.  He said it is a more fibrous tumor and the nerve wraps itself around the tumor, so he wants more monitoring during the surgery.

Honestly I just want to sit in a corner and cry out of frustration.  I was getting myself in a good mental state for this surgery.  I don't want to have to take anything for my nerves.  I just want this over with.  The risks are still the same.  Hearing loss and partial loss of feeling on the right side of my face etc. etc.etc.  I'm trusting God that I will come out of this even better than I went into it.  Hey maybe God just needed more time to shrink the tumor so I don't even need surgery.  I can only pray.

So I wait for the call with the new surgery date.

The Countdown Begins

Today I go for my pre-op exam.  The Dr. just makes sure I am healthy enough for surgery.  It's sad I have been thru this way too many times.  1 week before surgery.....UGGGGGG.  I am working on getting things at home ready also.  Getting laundry done and planning out meals for my guys  so things can be less stressful for Matt and Jay.  I have already shut down my ebay store temporarily and Matt said he will help with my Avon  business.  I am very thankful for my church family and friends who offered to help out with Dylan.  So I don't have to worry about him. I know Matt can handle things but I would like to make it as easier as possible for him.  I can't wait until this is all over and I can get on with my life.  The good thing about all of this I probably loose a couple of pounds :)  Yayyyyy. 

Part II
Well I just got home from the Dr.  everything looks good. Blood pressure good (good thing I have been taking my meds)  EKG good ( whewww.. I really didn't want to go to the cardiologist any time soon) They a lot of blood. And I had to go for chest xray.   My nerves are  starting to get to me a bit.  It is still kinda hard to believe this happening.  I realized something today.  I really don't like talking about this out loud.I had to explain to 5 different people why I was there.....  The only thing the Dr didn't like was my weight but he said considering what I have been thru the past couple years it is very understandable and we will work on it after this surgery.  This is still hard to believe.

Acoustic Neuroma or Meningioma?

I plan recording my journey with this tumor and better health.  2 week ago I saw the ENT at John Hopkins  Dr. Limb, He said he doesn't believe I have an acoustic neuroma.  He believes it's a meningioma.  The difference is one is on the nerve to my ear  and the other is on the lining of my brain.  He said it looked like it was on the lining and spreads out to the nerve.  They won't know for sure until they get in my head.

Jan 14th is surgery day.  The nurse called me the other day with the schedules for tests
 and surgery time. I became nervous for the first time.  i still have a hard time believing this really happening. Breast cancer was a shock.  A brain tumor seems so unbelievable.  But I guess it's real because I am starting to have other symptoms.  The most frustrating one if the tingling and numbness and weakness in my right hand and arm.  Just imagine your arm and hands falling asleep all the time.  I also learned some of my confusion and forgetfulness  is from the tumor. So with that all said I am ready for this thing to get out of my head and get back to normal.

The closer it get to the surgery date and after I will probably doing video blogs showing my recovery.  I really hope what I am going thru helps another person get thru this.  God is my rock and I couldn't have done this without Him.  I know whatever reason I have to deal with this something good is going to come out of it.  God only have my best interest at heart.

2012...WOW

This year has been a true challenge for me. My life has changed in ways I never would have imagined. But it all has not been bad.  Because of the cancer we found our baby boy  :)   Breast cancer and the unexpected hysterectomy and my 3 surgeries , 2 1/2 week hospital stay( pneumonia, tube in my nose to my stomach for 2 weeks, IV in my neck, almost heart attack...no muscle damage so it wasn't a heart attack,that is what the Dr.'s said, blood clot in my leg), and burning my hand.  All this happening while we had to move from a house that was literally falling apart, to our church(for a very short time) to our home now.  Our church was going thru transition during the same time.

 I survived!!!! With God and my husband I have made it. My faith in God is even stronger than ever before. I want to thank my mom and dad for their support. It would have been a lot tougher without their help. I want to thank Matt's family, his mom and aunts and cousin for caring for Dylan when I was in the hospital and while I was recovering.  This year I truly discovered that I have the best, loving, compassionate, fabulous children God can create. Chardiney and Jayson took such good care of me when I couldn't care for myself.  They are going to make great spouses and parents. Last but surely not least I want to thank my loving husband Matthew Bradby. He made me feel so loved and beautiful when I didn't feel the same.  He has been by side whenever I needed him.   I love him so much.  He took great care of the boys when I was in the hospital and worked and pastored the church and still came to see me every day. You know the part in the marriage vows for better or worst... I guess we got the worst out the way first. I am so thankful for him.

But this year wasn't all bad.  I added a new member to my family and I love him as tho I birthed him myself.  He has brought so much love and joy to our family... DYLAN.  My oldest child Chardiney graduated from Wesely College and is in grad school and join the Air Force Reserve. I couldn't be more proud of her. My son Jay stepped it up and took on more responsibility with caring for his brother and me.  So proud of the young man he is becoming.

2012 has taught me I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. God does answer prayers. He will take care of all your needs,,, you just have to ask.  Now I did say NEEDS.  Everything happens for a reason.  I am excited for 2013. God has been showing his power in my family's life quite a bit in the last couple of weeks. I will continue to praise Him and give thanks. Thank You Father God for loving me so much!

I have messed up

Here I go being hard-headed.... I have hurt myself.   I am not suppose to pick up anything heavier than a gallon of milk.  Well I have been feeling very well and much stronger lately.  Well I was feeding Dylan and he was done and without thinking I picked him up out of his highchair instead of calling Jay or Matt to get him.  Now the bottom of my incision has been hurting when I sneeze or laugh but I pulled something down there and now I have sharp pains,,,very sharp pains, especially when I move.  The surgeon's office said pulled a muscle.. All I know it hurts bad!!!  I am fine as long as I sit still.  I am so tired of sitting still. I know... I know.. I had major surgery and it will take time for me to heal....uggggggggg.  

Well I am starting a new blog that will list freebies and deals.  I think this will be good for me since I have "rest" in order to get better.  So later today or tomorrow I will have it up and running.  I am also going to have a facebook page to go with it.

Dylan even has lost weight since we got him and he didn't even feel heavy.  GOSH.. my body is so sensitive...lol.  I am praying this is the last surgery I will ever need in my life.  Recovery time is getting more and more frustrating.  The holidays are here and I want to start baking.  I have done a little by keeping a chair near the stove.  But I really need to be sitting still. 

So as they say... a hard head makes a soft bottom... my bottom is getting soft by sitting to healed....lol

My Anniversary

One year ago today I married my best friend.  What a year we have had.  2 weeks before the wedding I found a lump in my breast. I had put off getting it checked because it was painful and I didn't think it was a bi deal.  2 months later I was told I have breast cancer, 1 month later I lost my right breast.  2 months later I was able to bring home my little boy Dylan 9 months old at the time. 2 months later I had my reconstruction surgery. 2 week later we had to move from our home because it was falling apart and very unhealthy for us to live there. 3 months later I had unexpected surgery and 2 week hospital stay.

All during this time my wonderful husband held down his church even tho we don't have a building at this time and he took great care our boys.  This has been a year of many challenges and God keep his hand over our marriage.  We have become stronger and closer as a couple.  Our love has grown deeper this past year.  I can't imagine going thru this without him. God knows when to place certain people in your life when you will need them the most.  I am bless to have him.  He had made me feel even more beautiful even tho my body has changed and scarred up. He still looks at me like he did on our wedding day.  And after what I have been through, that is real important.... real important. Matt and our kids have made a point not to treat me any different than they did before.  That is important.   I need to feel "normal"  Well normal for me..lol  My family does that for me the best they can.

I couldn't have asked for a better partner. I have never felt such a connection with a person.  He knows what I want and need sometimes before I know.  He refuse to let me get down or feel sorry for myself.  He builds me up to be a stronger and better person.  This is MY husband and best friend!!!

Surgery Day

So I'm sitting here in the dark.  It's a couples of hours before I loose my "girlie parts".  I'm not worried.  God  got this. I know I will be ok.  I took a nice long hot shower.  Not sure when I will be able to do that anytime soon..lol   and I did shave my legs. That was the one thing I wanted to do so bad after my mastectomy and had to wait weeks to do it.

I am so looking forward to feeling better.  I know the doctors will be checking if cancer is anywhere else. I'm not worried... God got this. With God by my side, I have healed from my surgeries very well.  I'm just tired of being cut up on.  Well this is something that has to be done, I'm tired of looking pregnant.  And if I didn't know any better it looks like it is getting bigger and bigger every week. I'm going to do a before and after pic later this morning. After all this is said and done I just might get my 20 maybe 30 year old body back ( I have to admit, I did look good back then..lol)

I am happy my husband and kids will be there with me.  Nay came down last night.  She is going to stay with me while I'm in the hospital.  She is good at making sure those nurses do what they suppose to do...lol .

Well, I have to go finish getting things ready to go to the hospital.  I will stay in touch.

Surgery

I got the news on 9/11 that I have to have a complete hysterectomy next Wed.  I also found out that because of the size of my uterus ( size of someone 5 to 6 months preggo) and how fast it grew it has cause other issues inside of me(part of it from the tamoxifen) that's why I need surgery so soon.  He is moving other people out the way to fit me in. 

Dr. Miller is great.  He was very very thorough with telling me all my options and the pros and cons of everything and the effect it will have on my body. He explained everything that is going on inside..... and there is alot happening in there, much more than I knew. 

I was very disappointed with the news of the hysterectomy.  I understand why I need it and I welcome feeling better. Plus it will improve the chances of the cancer not coming back even more. It's just not what I wanted.  It eliminates any chance of having a child with my husband.  It still hurts when I sit and think about it. That was something I wanted to really share with him.  I am thankful for the 3 children I do have.  I think it is awesome that my lil Dylan looks like me even tho I didn't give birth to him. :) .

For many many years I wouldn't follow God's plan for me.  Thinking I knew what was best or what I can do better.  In Aug of 1997 God forced me on his plan.  It wasn't easy and it wasn't painless but I am so glad He did it.  See I get these ideas in my head and God has a way of letting me know that is not what He has planned for me.  Like right after I got the news it took me an hour to get home(normally 30 min trip)  I had time to process what I was told.  I was still in shock but God had time for me to hear Him and I understood why a little better.  I don't like it but I understand. Ohhhh yea.. Now the day I find out this news, that night my phone dies.  The one time I put my phone in Dylan's diaper bag, his sippy cup leaks on my phone.  I didn't get a new phone until noon the next day.  It was weird sitting in the house not talking to somebody about what was happening.  Then I realized that God wanted me to think and plan this out and I wouldn't have been able to if I was on the phone so much.

I'm not upset anymore. I am content with what has to be done.  See during my quiet time yesterday I thought about the positive ..... I won't have a period anymore!!! YAYYYYYYY.  He said that I won't feel much different than I do now on tamoxifen. I can handle that. NO MORE PMS!!!!!!!!  and I suffered and my family did also...lol    I will save money on feminine products..Thank the Lord.... I will loose weight getting rid of my preggo stomach.  I will feel better in general.  I haven't felt really well in years. So I am looking forward to being able to be "normal" again. Goodness the fibromyalgia has been a cake walk compared to this mess I have been dealing with lately....lol

In general I will be a much healthier person after this surgery.  Yes I am very tired of being cut on and I will have a new scar but they will be my battle scars, my survivor scars.  They are proof of the things I have overcame.  Some of them have made me sad and some have made me happy ( the boob job...lol)  But all of them have made me better and stronger.

YUCKY TAMOXIFEN

Tamoxifen is yucky.  I feel like being a little kid and falling out on the floor kicking and screaming.  I  haven't felt well for the last 2 weeks. I thought it was just back spasms again. but after a week and a half and the pain got worst I had to go back to the ER.  Well Well.... they had to give me morphine to stop my pain and then I had a CAT scan (for the 3rd time in 3 months).  This time they found a mass on my ovaries and  found that my uterus is the size of a six month pregnant woman.  Yes I do look preggo. OK... They did an ultrasound and found that the mass was just fluid and not cancer and I did have a cyst on a ligament connected to my ovary.  I also found out that I have more fibroids then I thought. UGGGGGG

Now I did ask my Oncologist if I should have the fibroids that I did have removed before starting tamoxifen.  She didn't think I would have a problem.... Well guess what... I am having problems!!!  Tamoxifen is known to cause fibroids and cause them to grow.  I am surprised how fast they have grown. I have stopped taking the tamoxifen because I don't want to look 9 month pregnant in a couple of weeks.  My Oncologist is looking for an Oncology GYN for me.  She feels they can treat me best at this time.  I just want these things out of me.  I finally got my boobs looking like I want now I look pregnant.  Maybe at 50 I get my body back....lol 

To be honest I wasn't taking the meds like I was suppose to, except for this last month.  I did take it almost everyday.  I'm thinking if I took them like I am suppose to from the beginning I would probably look 9 months preggo now.

The major issue I am having now is that I am tired of being cut up.  Within the last year I have had my gall bladder removed, a breast removed and reconstruction surgery.  I am tired of surgeries.  The only other surgery I have had in my life was a c-section and it was worth all the pain cause it was to bring my daughter into this world.  Now because of YUCKY TAMOXIFEN I will need another surgery.  Cancer sucks!!!!!  I am hoping they can do some kind of laser surgery or something. I won't know until I meet with this new Dr. So this will make doctor #5 to add to my list..lol  

Now the spiritual side of me knows that God is challenging me and watching how I am handling this.  Well God I got this!!  No matter how tired I get I will keep fighting.  I know when this is all well and done I will be rewarded.  God just needs to see how strong I am.  Well you got one tough chick here.  I have too much to live for. I might fuss and whine at times but it doesn't weaken my fight. Thank you God for trusting me and using me.  I still think tamoxifen is yucky...lol

Reconstruction Day

It is hard to believe that today I will have my reconstruction surgery.  There have been moments where I actually forget that I had cancer. Then I am given a reminder either with the tamoxifen or my hard right "breast"  The only thing I am not happy with is that I have to wait until 11 to go to the hospital.  I couldn't eat or drink anything after 12 midnight.  We still have packing to do, so I will be keeping myself busy packing until Matt takes me to the hospital. 

We are also moving this week but I won't be moving anything after today.  This house is falling apart.  Ok we got the sewage back up in the basement and the wall leaking in the basement then the hole in my kitchen ceiling showing the bathtub pipes and now the ceiling in the leaking wall room fell in.  this house is literally falling apart around us. I am so happy we are getting out of here this week.

It is weird, I am having very mixed feelings right now.  I'm excited, nervous,scared and angry that I even had to go thru this. I never had any surgery except a c-section for my daughter 23 years ago.  I turn 40 and I fall apart. 1st my gall bladder didn't want to stay a week after my birthday and then my breast didn't want to stay 2 weeks before my wedding. I thought I was doing pretty good health wise.  I eat pretty healthy, I don't smoke, I might have a drink once or twice a year even then I don't drink much.  It's crazy how cancer picks it victims. Well I'm pissed.  I was very happy with my breast BC  (before cancer).  Well one good thing about this is that I can go without a bra  :)  So as soon as the bandages come off Summer dresses here I come...lol 

I thank God for keeping my sanity.  You go thru so many different feelings once you are told you have cancer, that you feel kinda crazy at time. My faith in God has kept me sane ( now I know others might question the sane part..lol).  Thank You Lord for loving me and keeping me.  I couldn't have done it without you.  This journey isn't over yet.

Promises were kept.

I was promised that all I needed was surgery.  And yes that was all I needed to get rid of the present cancer. God kept his promise to me.  He also told it it wasn't going to be easy.  I had questioned that because I actually having a easy time healing with no problems or complications.  I thought I had this cancer thing in the bag, thrown out, gone, CANCER FREE.  Well God did keep his promise, all I needed was surgery to rid my body of this cancer.  Then I find out that there was more cancer in my breast then what was first found and my test score came back higher then I had expected.  So I asked God "What is up with this?  You promised all I needed was surgery."  Now the fight is to keep it from coming back.  This is so much harder than I ever expected.  Some people reactions are really throwing for a loop.  I am so scared...so so scared. I don't want to go thru this again.  Nothing is guaranteed.  God did tell me I wouldn't die from this.  Did he mean breast cancer or cancer in general?  I'm praying for help in this decision. I'm being told to wait.  I guess the answer will be clear when the time is right. My surgeon said that the oncology team highly recommend chemo because of my young age and that multiple tumors were found. I believe that if i didn't have the surgery when I did, it would have spread to my lymph nodes then there wouldn't be any questions. But God had my Dr. move quickly cause he was concerned about my lymph nodes. Sometimes I wonder if I should have had my other breast removed but I don't think that would have helped much since the cancer can show up else where in my body ie: bones,liver.

What to do...what to do..All God is telling me right now is wait. That is what I have been doing but the wait is not easy.  God has been honest with me and no matter what others may think He is what have been guiding me. He has not steered me wrong yet on this journey. I'm holding on to my faith with all my might. I was told this will be tough... I guess this is the rough, rocky road I'm about to travel. All I can do is strap on my seat belt and had God the keys.

The Oncotype test results (chemo or no chemo)

 I went to see my surgeon yesterday to get the results of my Oncotype DX test.(to see if I need chemo) plus get a better understanding of my pathology report. Well the pathology report was good. my margins were clear and nodes negative. I originally had 2 tumors they found a 3rd. and the Dcis was 4.1 cm and no metastases, so the mastectomy was the best thing for me. so I had Stage 1A cancer. He said this was the best type to have.   Now normally that would be treated with just tamoxifen for 5 years BUT..... My Oncotype DX test was a 23 which put me in the middle of the middle of the chart for benefiting from chemo. The test tells me I have a 15% chance of the cancer coming back in 10 years or 85% of it never coming back. My surgeon is consulting with a team of 3 Oncologist today and will tell me what was said later this evening and then I will consult with them. This really suck because it falls in my hands on what to do. I didn't know where else to turn. Of course my husband doesn't want me to go thru chemo neither do I but it's one thing to not want it but need it (like the surgery)and another to not want it and maybe you will or maybe you wont benefit from it. How do you make such a decision for your life. This is so unfair Cancer sucks. I'm not looking for someone to make this decision for me. 

 God told me this morning that my fight is just beginning.  I know that I have way too much to live for.  I feel like I should flip a coin because this whole this is really up to chance. God tells me things change.  It has just really hit me that this is a fight I will be fighting for the rest of my life. My husband and children need me.  My daughter and I are planning a trip to Paris next year to celebrate me beating this mess.  I'm Mad now. I know some women are having a harder time then I am and I know my cancer is easier to deal with but this whole cancer this is just wrong. I still don't know what me decision will be i still need to meet with the Oncologist after my surgeon does.  I'm praying God will have an answer for me by then.  I guess I'm still waiting( the patience test..lol)

My 1st Shower

I took my first shower today......  It was a very surreal moment.  Bandages gone, drain tube gone, breast gone.  All I could do is look at myself in the mirror.  The last shower I took was the morning of my surgery. I had to wash with that special stuff the Dr. gave me so it would reduce infection.  I had smelled like medicine ..lol  Today I was able to wash with my own shower gel.  As I stepped into the shower I was kinda scared to get the right side wet.  I am still numb in that area and under my arm. I was happy with my body.  I was very proud of the body I had at the age of 41, especially my breast.. I really really liked them.  Now I have to get use to this new body.  I know I will have a new breast soon but its not the same.  The shower felt good.  I didn't do much with the "right"side because it is still healing so I just washed around it.  I'm praying my test comes back that I don't need chemo or radiation. This going too take some time getting use to.

3 weeks today

It has been 3 weeks since my surgery.  Things have been very interesting the past couple of days.  I went to church Sunday.  I had quite a bit of anxiety about going.  Me being loopsided started to get to me for the first time. And with me being the "First Lady" I knew people would be looking at me.  The only person who saw my tears was my husband.  He did his best to talk me down and convinced me not to wear this huge sweater I wanted to wear(I probably would have lost 10lb in sweat if I wore it lol).  When we got to the church I went straight to my office.  I had to sit in there a bit before joining everyone else for service.  Everybody was so nice and loving. They did everything they could to make sure I was comfortable as possible. I'm glad I went.  I love Faith Church Baltimore.  I did discover that you use some of your chest muscles when you clap.. so clapping during praise and worship was a little tough.  After service, my hubby fed me some fried fish (another one of my cravings) and I slept the rest of the day.

I guess this is where the fibromyalgia really kicks in.  I slept most of Monday. Good news is I was able to get my drainage tube removed on Tuesday.  The Dr. said I am healing well and they will start filling my expander in 2 weeks.  I had another anxiety moment right before my appointment.  I just started getting frustrated with not being able to be independent like I was before cancer.  I know in time I will be, it still gets to me.  I finally got use to dealing with the fibromyalgia and now cancer.  I still don't know what my treatment will be for sure. I guess God is having me repeat the lesson on patience.  Waiting for my body to heal, waiting for the test results, waiting for my new breast.... yeah. I'm repeating this lesson. So now I'm sore from where the tube was removed and I have to have my right "breast" compressed at all times so fluid doesn't build up before they start to fill the expander(this is uncomfortable).  I still have to take it easy.  Honestly... I'm tired of taking it easy...lol  I have been resting and sleeping for 3 weeks now.  Guess I have to be patient.

I will survive!

Today is starting out good.  I haven't had pain meds for over 12 hours.  So thinga are healing well.  I still have the drainage tube..yuck!!!  can't get rid of that until next Tues.  That sucks big time cause it seems that most of my discomfort is from this tube in me.  I'm so ready to get back to a somewhat normal life. Like a shower...no even better a bubble bath.  If's funny God and I have more talks now that I have so much free time.  That is what keeps me focused.

I was watching a video on Facebook this morning that had me crying.  It was a group of breast cancer survivors dancing and singing the Gloria Gaynor song "I will survive"  I was surprised by my reaction.  I started listening to the words and felt that most of it applied to me.  I started crying because it hit me that I did survived,  I made it, and I will be just fine...  Now this is really funny.  I have been searching Facebook and can not find that post.  I just saw it this morning.  Well, when I find it I will post it.  It;s nothing fancy but it just hit home for me that I am one of them now.

My daughter will be going to Italy for Spring Break afterall.  She wanted to spend it with me but they couldn't find anybody to take her place and she would loose $3000 she paid for the trip. I told her I will be ok.  The scary part(the surgey) is over and I'm doing well.  She plans on spending every other weekend with me when she gets back.  I didn't realize how much I miss having her around until she left. My children have made me very proud on how they are dealing with everything.  Their strength is truly amazing.

Well still waiting for the pathology report. This is all in God's hands. 

My cousin found the video  http://youtu.be/MHXsU45HTck

Recovering

Well everything is going well.  I'm a little sad that my daughter Nay had to leave but having her here to take care of me was great.  She did yell at me to stay still.. I think she enjoyed fussing me ...lol.  I moved around too much yesterday and tried to get up this morning and felt the most horrible pain.. So I will be moving a lot less today.  It's just weird for me to have others waiting on me.  My husband is being so wonderful.  He was up all night just to make sure I don't miss my pain meds.  I just love him so much.  He fussed at me to for moving around too much...lol  I took a look at myself yesterday.  It didn't upset me like I thought.  Now I am loop-sided but in a couple of months I will be just about even again.  Mentally I'm doing so much better.  God did tell me I will be alright. Now I'm just waiting for the pathology report.  I'm not worried about that either.  This part has been easier than I thought it would be.  so people had me so worried how I would feel after the surgery.  I was told I would be in soooo much pain and not going to be able to move much.  Well God has his hand on me and I feel great.(as long as I stay on top of the pain meds..lol)  I'm able to crochet and do my own hair ..I know the only thing that will drive me crazy is being stuck in the house.  But I'm resting and healing and I have cute pajamas.  I am a proud Breast Cancer Survivor! I can honestly say God has been by my side the whole way  :)