God Has Spoken "LET THEM WATCH"

Interesting title huh?  Here some back story.  Yesterday was a good day for me.  I made some money for Jay's party doing a focus group in Hunt Valley and I was able to schedule an appointment with my plastic surgeon to finish my breast reconstruction.  See after my 1st reconstruction I needed 3 major surgeries, so she wanted to wait until I was doing well to finish up.  I called my oncologist's office to get the results from my blood work that was done last week.  **BIG SIGH**  Everything looks good except that darn alkaline phosphatase levels.  It has gone a little higher than it was in May. (raised alkaline phosphatase levels means the cancer is trying to come back)  The nurse told me that Dr. Couzi will call me later to talk to me.  That put me in a bad head space. I allowed myself to be there just for a moment.  I called my husband and being the wonderful person he is reminded me EVERYTHING else is good.  Even the PET scan I had a month ago came up with nothing.  So I decided that I will give it to God and have the same faith I did with my brain tumor.  Ok Dr. Couzi called me last night............She kept asking how I am feeling.  I told her I feel good and doing well.  I told her about my shoulder that didn't really concern her because I am getting physically therapy for it. She kept asking about my back.  I kept saying my back is fine.  She told me she is at a lost to why my levels are rising and everything else is normal.  She is going to talk to her colleagues and get back to me.  She thinking about doing another bone scan. So I should be hearing from her at the end of the week.  I also finally heard from my Neurologist about my 6 month MRI and check up.  I go in Aug for that.  So a lot of info thrown at me in 1 day...lol  But I can handle it.

So this morning during my quiet time I decided not to ask God for anything today.  I just sat saying THANK YOU.  Over and over just thanking Him.  Then I heard it loud and clear "LET THEM WATCH"  Now I know this word isn't just for me.  Someone reading this gets it and understands.  At first I was like "What do you mean?" Then I remember what He did during my brain surgery.  I had to start crying tears of joy.   I know I will be ok no matter what is coming my way.  God has always taken care of me. Always had me come out better than I was when I went in.  So if you don't believe......just WATCH

YUCKY TAMOXIFEN

Tamoxifen is yucky.  I feel like being a little kid and falling out on the floor kicking and screaming.  I  haven't felt well for the last 2 weeks. I thought it was just back spasms again. but after a week and a half and the pain got worst I had to go back to the ER.  Well Well.... they had to give me morphine to stop my pain and then I had a CAT scan (for the 3rd time in 3 months).  This time they found a mass on my ovaries and  found that my uterus is the size of a six month pregnant woman.  Yes I do look preggo. OK... They did an ultrasound and found that the mass was just fluid and not cancer and I did have a cyst on a ligament connected to my ovary.  I also found out that I have more fibroids then I thought. UGGGGGG

Now I did ask my Oncologist if I should have the fibroids that I did have removed before starting tamoxifen.  She didn't think I would have a problem.... Well guess what... I am having problems!!!  Tamoxifen is known to cause fibroids and cause them to grow.  I am surprised how fast they have grown. I have stopped taking the tamoxifen because I don't want to look 9 month pregnant in a couple of weeks.  My Oncologist is looking for an Oncology GYN for me.  She feels they can treat me best at this time.  I just want these things out of me.  I finally got my boobs looking like I want now I look pregnant.  Maybe at 50 I get my body back....lol 

To be honest I wasn't taking the meds like I was suppose to, except for this last month.  I did take it almost everyday.  I'm thinking if I took them like I am suppose to from the beginning I would probably look 9 months preggo now.

The major issue I am having now is that I am tired of being cut up.  Within the last year I have had my gall bladder removed, a breast removed and reconstruction surgery.  I am tired of surgeries.  The only other surgery I have had in my life was a c-section and it was worth all the pain cause it was to bring my daughter into this world.  Now because of YUCKY TAMOXIFEN I will need another surgery.  Cancer sucks!!!!!  I am hoping they can do some kind of laser surgery or something. I won't know until I meet with this new Dr. So this will make doctor #5 to add to my list..lol  

Now the spiritual side of me knows that God is challenging me and watching how I am handling this.  Well God I got this!!  No matter how tired I get I will keep fighting.  I know when this is all well and done I will be rewarded.  God just needs to see how strong I am.  Well you got one tough chick here.  I have too much to live for. I might fuss and whine at times but it doesn't weaken my fight. Thank you God for trusting me and using me.  I still think tamoxifen is yucky...lol

Appointment with Oncologist

Yesterday was my follow up appointment with my Oncologist since I have been on tamoxifen.  Well I'm alive.  The cancer is gone.  The pain in my left breast(the healthy one) is the nerves healing.   It feels like I'm being shocked in my breast. I found out that my fibroid is the size of my palm and I need that removed.  I might have bursitis in my hip. I am slightly anemic, my uterus is enlarged and I have the beginnings of kidney stones.  I think thats it for now.  Plus I still have another treatment to start but since I am feel so bad on this one she want to wait a bit and does not want to make me feel worst than I do already.

I have to look at this as the process God is having me go thru for me to be whole again. As much as I dislike tamoxifen, I need it to keep the cancer from coming back. It's so much at one time, It's mind-boggling.  If I didn't have my faith I would be crazy right now.

So the journey continues, more doctors, more meds. So far I'm healing well from the reconstruction.  The Dr. really believes my bad back spasms were from being on the table too long. so I guess that's good.

Well I'm holding onto God's hand knowing everything will be ok

Post surgery

Wow that was an experience,  It was funny cause I didn't remember much that happened before my mastectomy last time.  That gosh darn lorazipan works wonders.  But this time I didn't take anything ... I was ready for this. I had the operating team laughing because I pretty much jump up on the table before they were ready for me..lol  Then afterwards ugggggggggg.. The pain was bad. it was getting close to labor pains.  I started to cry it was so bad.  I have a high pain threshold from dealing with the fibromyalgia.  That didn't make any difference I was hurting.. They kept giving me pain meds then they gave me liquid Tylenol.  That stuff works.  I'm on percocet now.  I seem to be in constant pain but not as bad as earlier.. It's like a burning sensation on the left side of my chest. I keep being told the results are worth it..  HMMMMMM they better be nice...lol  this mess hurts.

The good thing is I am able to move around better today.. got all that pain meds and anesthesia  from the hospital out of my system. My head doesn't feel fuzzy anymore. Now don't get me wrong I am so ever thankful for being able to have this surgery.  There are so many women that can't have reconstruction surgery for one reason or another. I have read the stories of my cancer friends and they seem to be going thru so much more than me.  I pray for them everyday.  These are some tough women. They make my journey look like a walk in the park. They still support and encourage me when needed. 

I am looking forward to healing so I can hold my baby Dylan again.  I kept kissing on him yesterday morning. He was looking at me like he knew why. I can't wait until I am able to tale him to the pool.  My big boy Jay has been such a blessing I really can't imagine life with out him. Nay couldn't come down because it was her first day on the job.  Last but definitely not least my hubby... he even went without food because I couldn't eat.  I love him so so much..

So now I focus on healing and moving.  Still got stuff to pack. I'm going to more of a director than anything else.  What a busy week we have.

Reconstruction Day

It is hard to believe that today I will have my reconstruction surgery.  There have been moments where I actually forget that I had cancer. Then I am given a reminder either with the tamoxifen or my hard right "breast"  The only thing I am not happy with is that I have to wait until 11 to go to the hospital.  I couldn't eat or drink anything after 12 midnight.  We still have packing to do, so I will be keeping myself busy packing until Matt takes me to the hospital. 

We are also moving this week but I won't be moving anything after today.  This house is falling apart.  Ok we got the sewage back up in the basement and the wall leaking in the basement then the hole in my kitchen ceiling showing the bathtub pipes and now the ceiling in the leaking wall room fell in.  this house is literally falling apart around us. I am so happy we are getting out of here this week.

It is weird, I am having very mixed feelings right now.  I'm excited, nervous,scared and angry that I even had to go thru this. I never had any surgery except a c-section for my daughter 23 years ago.  I turn 40 and I fall apart. 1st my gall bladder didn't want to stay a week after my birthday and then my breast didn't want to stay 2 weeks before my wedding. I thought I was doing pretty good health wise.  I eat pretty healthy, I don't smoke, I might have a drink once or twice a year even then I don't drink much.  It's crazy how cancer picks it victims. Well I'm pissed.  I was very happy with my breast BC  (before cancer).  Well one good thing about this is that I can go without a bra  :)  So as soon as the bandages come off Summer dresses here I come...lol 

I thank God for keeping my sanity.  You go thru so many different feelings once you are told you have cancer, that you feel kinda crazy at time. My faith in God has kept me sane ( now I know others might question the sane part..lol).  Thank You Lord for loving me and keeping me.  I couldn't have done it without you.  This journey isn't over yet.

ER Visit

So yesterday I had to go to the ER.  I was having sever back pain.  I knew it was my kidney because I have had a bad infection once before.  I have been drinking water and eating better so I didn't understand why this was happening.  I was mad because I thought it was going to postpone my reconstruction surgery on Monday. Well I just had a kidney infection and I will still be able to have surgery on Monday. Yayyyyyy. But you know that little voice will always be there.  I wondered if the cancer had spread to my kidney.  I guess those thought will always be there when something is not right with my body. That is when I need to go into prayer

  We have also found a home to move to.. It's not what we want but it's a home until we are able to buy what we want... which the VA say we can do in a year. So I will make the best with what I have been given.  God always take care of your NEEDS not your wants.  so we needed a home and we got one.  We got to handle our wants.  I can't complain.. God had been very good to me and my family. Well that all the thought I have for today  :)

Improving

Ok with help from my husband I have been taking my meds like I am suppose to and my body seems to be adjusting.  I have not felt as bad as I did when I first started.  I see my Oncologist a couple days after my surgery. The fatigue is still bad but I did some research and I probably need to take some vitamin D. My levels were borderline before the cancer because of the fibromyalgia. So I will picking up some today.  If not I will sleep my life away...lol So I am feeling better.  I'm not scratching like a crackhead as much, the headaches are gone.  Now hot flashes.... still get those.  It makes it hard to have a cute haircut when you keep sweating it out every night.  I just might get my hair braided for awhile.

 It is kinda hard to believe that reconstruction is next week. Jan 4 2012 the day I found out I had cancer seems so far away.  It's funny how some dates are burned in your brain. Like the Big C day (Jan 4th 2012) and the Mastectomy day( Feb 15, 2012) and now New Boob Day( Jun 18, 2012).  New Boob day is a happy day to remember. I do need to have some other things done not cancer related but if I can do it with out surgery I will.  I have been looking into my options.

I'm doing well.  Me and tamoxifen are still not friends but we are getting along better.  God told me this journey won't kill me but it will be tough.  I'm a lot stronger than I thought.

June 18th Yayyy!!!

June 18th is the day of my reconstruction. It is the day that I will feel almost normal again.  I will feel completely normal when I stop taking the tamoxifen. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I won't have to stay overnight.  YAYYY!!  Jay will be out of school to help me with Dylan for a couple of days. Oh I found out that my baby girl starts he NEW JOB with Discover as a credit analyst on the same day.  I am so proud of her. Now we just need to move into new home asap ( landlord doesn't want to fix some major problems with the house) and everything will be great.

I know my journey is not over but in June i will feel like that half  the race has been ran. Feb. 15th seems so far away, That was the day my body was changed. Jan 4, was the day my life was changed. 

Now this tamoxifen.  I didn't take it for 2 days cause I was just feeling so bad on it I started back up on Tues. feeling a little better.  Still having trouble staying asleep, now I have lower back pain.  The nausea isn't as bad if at all, no headaches, I do seem to be thirsty a lot.  The fatigue is still bad but I also feel that has a lot to do with my lack of restful sleep. 

So today I will start packing up this house cause we got to move no matter what. I'm glad I am strong enough to take care of this.. With this tamoxifen in my system, it will take a bit longer.  But I'm tough...lol.  I guess we will go house hunting this weekend. Still hanging in there.

Chemo or No Chemo???????

Well I met with my oncologist yesterday.  She explained my pathology report in more detail to me.  She also answered all my questions. I left that appointment feeling very informed and a little more equipped.  I found out that I had 4 lymph nodes removed instead of 1. And I had what she considers"good cancer" and my oncotype score was not bad.  she gave me the impression that she isn't completely sold on me benefiting from chemo.  Since I am only 5 weeks out from surgery, we still have time to decide on treatment.

I know all the pros and cons now.  pros for taking the chemo: 
1. Reduces the chances of the cancer coming back in 10 years from 15% to 12%
2. I will loose the hair on my legs = no shaving this summer..lol
3. I will only need 4 rounds chemo
4. I will save money on hair care products.

Ok the cons of chemo
1.  I finally let my hair grow...bye bye ( this is not fair, can't I just loose my leg hair)
2. my reconstruction will have to be postponed until 6 weeks after chemo (I really don't like this one) Instead of having it done in May or June.
3. good chance it will make me infertile
4. wearing a wig in the summer is HOT
5. no amusement parks for me this summer
6. toxic meds will be going thru my body
7. it's not 100% that the cancer won't come back some place else on my body
8. I will loose my eyebrows and eye lashes (  OH **** NOO) I don't want to be drawing on my face  to look normal, it will be bad enough that I have 1 fake boob.  the hair everywhere else can go.  Leave the hair on my head..lol
9. Other chemo side effects.....yuck
10. fibromyalgia and chemo does not sound like a good combo.

 That's all I can think of now.  If I look at it from the positive side.  without it I have a 85% chance of it not coming back some place else.  85% is not bad. Plus with a healthy diet and lifestyle I should be good to go.  I have put this in God's hands.  He did tell me to wait to make a decision.  So I am waiting right now.  I have time.  So chemo or no chemo.... I don't know yet.

Driving

I drove today.  I haven't driven a car since about a week before my surgery.  It felt kinda weird and liberating at the same time.  I am sore now.  I still have  to take it kinda easy.  I still can't reach but so far with my right side. Plus I have pain all along my right side of my back. I got my first fill Thursday.  My chest feels tight.  I still have to compress that side for 1 more week.  The Dr. told me it hasn't been 6 weeks yet.  I was like "What?"  It feels like it.  Sleep is uncomfortable again... I guess it's back to my comfy recliner.

 I want to throw a big party next year for my birthday next year.  43 will be awesome because I know in 1 year I will be back to normal in every way.  All my surgeries for reconstruction will be done.I will be feeling strong again.This birthday I will be happy I made it.  Next year I will be happy I survived.

Well back to the driving part.... The Dr. told me it hurts because I haven't used that muscle much. So I can drive short distances.  So I guess I won't be back to work yet since my job requires me to drive around the city.  Plus driving today I think made my chest hurt.  I kept wanting to drive with my right hand. I was in pain every time I did!  I had to act like I had a stick shift to keep from putting my right hand on the wheel.  But I still did it.  I was able to drive my car from the old apartment to our new home. I unpacked part of my kitchen then I needed a nap.  Matt and Jay took care of the living room and the dining room. I slowly did the bathroom and I will work on our bedroom and finish the kitchen this week.  I won't be driving unless I have to. But it still felt good to drive again.