God Has Spoken "LET THEM WATCH"

Interesting title huh?  Here some back story.  Yesterday was a good day for me.  I made some money for Jay's party doing a focus group in Hunt Valley and I was able to schedule an appointment with my plastic surgeon to finish my breast reconstruction.  See after my 1st reconstruction I needed 3 major surgeries, so she wanted to wait until I was doing well to finish up.  I called my oncologist's office to get the results from my blood work that was done last week.  **BIG SIGH**  Everything looks good except that darn alkaline phosphatase levels.  It has gone a little higher than it was in May. (raised alkaline phosphatase levels means the cancer is trying to come back)  The nurse told me that Dr. Couzi will call me later to talk to me.  That put me in a bad head space. I allowed myself to be there just for a moment.  I called my husband and being the wonderful person he is reminded me EVERYTHING else is good.  Even the PET scan I had a month ago came up with nothing.  So I decided that I will give it to God and have the same faith I did with my brain tumor.  Ok Dr. Couzi called me last night............She kept asking how I am feeling.  I told her I feel good and doing well.  I told her about my shoulder that didn't really concern her because I am getting physically therapy for it. She kept asking about my back.  I kept saying my back is fine.  She told me she is at a lost to why my levels are rising and everything else is normal.  She is going to talk to her colleagues and get back to me.  She thinking about doing another bone scan. So I should be hearing from her at the end of the week.  I also finally heard from my Neurologist about my 6 month MRI and check up.  I go in Aug for that.  So a lot of info thrown at me in 1 day...lol  But I can handle it.

So this morning during my quiet time I decided not to ask God for anything today.  I just sat saying THANK YOU.  Over and over just thanking Him.  Then I heard it loud and clear "LET THEM WATCH"  Now I know this word isn't just for me.  Someone reading this gets it and understands.  At first I was like "What do you mean?" Then I remember what He did during my brain surgery.  I had to start crying tears of joy.   I know I will be ok no matter what is coming my way.  God has always taken care of me. Always had me come out better than I was when I went in.  So if you don't believe......just WATCH

Wow What A Week!!!!

This week has been a true test of Faith and Thrive...lol Last Saturday I had did something to my shoulder in the shower to the point the pain was so bad I had to take some pain meds.  Now since I have been on Thrive I have had NO pain meds in my body. I ended going to the ER Sunday after church.  My loving and crazy husband takes a pic of me after the give me some Valium and post it on Facebook.  Well Heaven was flooded with so many prayers by Monday evening I was feeling better without meds.  Now I did still have some Thrive in my system but we ran out and our next order wasn't going to be here until Thursday.  Now on Thursday I went to an Orthopedic Specialist.  I asked him How do you get a pinch nerve just reaching to was your leg in the shower... Do you know he laugh at me and shook his head...lol   My shoulder was still sore by the time I went to see him.  He gave me a cortisone shot in my shoulder.  Well my nonhaving Thrive body did not like that.  My shoulder ached so much and I started to have a Fibromyalgia flare up.  I was feeling real bad that night.  I haven't felt that bad in a very long time.. I think since before my brain surgery.  Our order didn't get here until Thursday evening.  I think around 10pm ( I had fell asleep about 6 from pain meds)  I opened the box and put on a DFT Foam. By the next morning all the Fibromyalgia issues were gone!!!!!  Now my shoulder is still sore but I can function without feeling like I was hit by a truck. Now it is Sunday and I have had a couple of days full of Thrive and mannnnn I feel so much better.  I'm going to physical therapy for my shoulder.... I get a massage and heat packs  :)  :)  :).  But NO MORE PAIN MEDS.

Oh Guess who is a little lighter???   YES ME ME!!!.  At my last DR. appt I was 202lbs now I am 195lbs.  Only in a couple of weeks with me only walking some.. I can't wait to see my oncologist in Nov.  Well I got to get the family ready for church.  Everybody have a very Blessed Sunday!

www.candyb.le-vel.com
 TRY THRIVE

Appointment with Oncologist

Yesterday was my follow up appointment with my Oncologist since I have been on tamoxifen.  Well I'm alive.  The cancer is gone.  The pain in my left breast(the healthy one) is the nerves healing.   It feels like I'm being shocked in my breast. I found out that my fibroid is the size of my palm and I need that removed.  I might have bursitis in my hip. I am slightly anemic, my uterus is enlarged and I have the beginnings of kidney stones.  I think thats it for now.  Plus I still have another treatment to start but since I am feel so bad on this one she want to wait a bit and does not want to make me feel worst than I do already.

I have to look at this as the process God is having me go thru for me to be whole again. As much as I dislike tamoxifen, I need it to keep the cancer from coming back. It's so much at one time, It's mind-boggling.  If I didn't have my faith I would be crazy right now.

So the journey continues, more doctors, more meds. So far I'm healing well from the reconstruction.  The Dr. really believes my bad back spasms were from being on the table too long. so I guess that's good.

Well I'm holding onto God's hand knowing everything will be ok

Feeling Some Kinda Way

This last week or so has been very trying on my patience. Dealings with certain people, having to move because the owner of the house we rent, claim she can't afford(more like don't want to) fix the plumbing in the home I have only been in for 1 month. My baby girl graduating from college and I am not able to do much for her because of being out of work and needing every penny we got to move again. Accepting my treatment plan that will change my body maybe permanently.  It doesn't help that I am hormonal right now.  Everything really hit me when I got off the phone with my oncologist and told her I choose tamoxifen for my treatment and will not be doing chemo.  I am comfortable in my choice of no chemo.  Not crazy about the tamoxifen and it's possible side effects. For awhile there I really didn't have to deal with the cancer but I need to start treatment like NOW so my Dr. call in a prescription for tamoxifen so I can start today.  I was told to keep busy because it can cause blood clots.  Yayyyyy that's what i wanted to hear.  plus several other unpleasant side effects. But they keep saying that the benefit out weighs the side effects.. we will see.  I go back to see the oncologist in a month to see how I'm doing.  This whole thing just makes feel some kinda way.  It's hard to explain exactly.   Part of it is that I feel I have no control over this whole thing.  The only thing I was able to choose was not to take chemo. I dunno,  This whole cancer thing sucks. I have 5 years of this medication if my body can handle it. I'm really not looking forward to taking this stuff.

No Chemo (kinda long)

Ok yesterday I had a consultation with an Infertility doctor.  My Oncologist wanted me to meet with her to help make my decision about chemo.

First I don't need chemo.  It would be more of an insurance policy for me.  Killing off cancer cells just in case some stray active ones are in there.  It will take my chances of cancer showing up in 10 years somewhere else from 15% to 12%.  I will be on hormone therapy (tamoxifen) for 5 years but since I want to have at least 1 more child she agree to only 2 years then try to get pregnant then after the baby go back on for 3 years.  If I don't take the tamoxifen, my chances of getting cancer again is 45%.. so with that said I NEED the tamoxifen!

This has not been an easy decision.  I have been begging God for some help, BEGGING, He kept telling me to wait , hold still, I will know the answer.  Well that sucks He knows how I am about waiting...lol  I was leaning toward taking the chemo..Why?  I was scared. I didn't want to go thru this again. I was afraid I dying, not being here for my husband, my kids and new baby boy. Just plain scared. Even after meeting with the Oncologist twice, I wasn't feeling the chemo 100%.  Many family members wanted me to take the chemo, my daughter supports whatever I decide(that didn't help)..lol, my husband didn't, some friends said not to,others said do it. I started reading post on a breast cancer website from women who have the same cancer I do. All of that left me even more confused then ever.  Then I stopped begging and turned it over to God.  Early one morning while in prayer God told me He never left me, I I let go of his hand, that's why I was so scared.  I forgot His promise when all of this first started.  "This will not kill me"  That does not guarantee that the cancer will never come back... nothing can guarantee that but my major fear of dying has been calmed. When I let go of the fear and grabbed hold of God's hand again, confirmation started coming from everywhere that I don't need chemo.  I feel secure in my decision, my heart is at peace now. If the cancer comes back I truly believe it would have came back no matter what I could have done.  Nothing is 100% .  I will be taking on a healthier lifestyle than what I have been living. I know I need to take better care of myself than I have been. Thank You God for believing in me and trusting me and never leaving my side.  Some people might say the devil put fear in me but the devil had nothing to do with this.  I had to learn to trust God always and completely. Once I let go of the fear, the answer came to me so fast.  That is the lesson I learned,  You can't go to God with fear in your heart.  Let go of the fear and trust Him.  He will answer you.

Ok back to the Infertility doctor.  I found out that I am very very fertile  YAYYYY ME!!!   I do have fibroids. One that is in my uterus that needs to be removed, Other than that everything looks very good. She said we can harvest some eggs and freeze them so when I want to get pregnant I will have strong eggs. If I do have chemo I will become infertile.  That was the last nail in the chemo coffin.( plus I didn't want to lose my hair.. I just started to let it grow).  There have been plenty of women who become pregnant after taking tamoxifen.  Since I am no where near menopause and have young ovaries, I am no longer worried about being pushed into menopause by the tamoxifen. Now this whole invetro thing  is very expensive and there is some financial help from the Lance Armstrong organization but there is still $5000 we would have to pay. So what am I going to do........ Put it in prayer and hand it over to God.   He hasn't failed me.  I need to make a decision within the next week because I have to start some kind of treatment very very very soon. So this is the cancer side of my life.  The other side  of my life is a bit crazy right now that is a whole separate story tooo long to put here right now.  This whole cancer this still gets me down sometimes.. I guess I just tired of dealing with it.  Well I got to call my Oncologist and let her know what I have decided.

Holding onto God real tight right now!

Moved

Ok We have moved into our new home.  Thanks to Janet Garland for coming over at the last minute and staying with me late last night.  Thanks to the guys  for helping, I will be cooking a Big thank you dinner for everybody.  Matt wouldn't let me do too much but pack some things. That alone was enough.  I am sore all over.  I mean every muscle in my body is aching. It is mostly my fibromyalgia flaring up.  I didn't get any sleep yesterday so my body is over tired.  I kinda new I would be flaring up today but I'm still thankful to be in my new home.  I do have to get use to steps again......UGGGGG..That is the only thing I miss about the apartment..lol.

Now my breast cancer ... I am doing very well.  I had a couple of muscle spams but doing better and better everyday.  I get my first fill in my tissue expander on Thursday.  I'm a little nervous but ready to move forward. Meet with the oncologist next week.  I got my list of questions and concerns ready. I know I need to make a lot of changes in my life to stay as cancer free as possible. Sucks my cancer cells want to have a party in my body. 

Now we got more room, next step is to get my new baby boy Dylan.  right now its all up to me.  I need to get well enough to be able to pick him up.  He is 9 months old and a lil chunky thing..lol  He is such a cutie pie. I hope to have him home with us by Easter.

So today I will be resting and looking at all these boxes.  My body has told me enough and shutting things down for the day.  That's one thing about fibromyalgia, it will not let me get away with pushing my body.. I will suffer for it later.  Hopefully this flare up only last 1 day.  So its a day of TV and sleep for me.

Promises were kept.

I was promised that all I needed was surgery.  And yes that was all I needed to get rid of the present cancer. God kept his promise to me.  He also told it it wasn't going to be easy.  I had questioned that because I actually having a easy time healing with no problems or complications.  I thought I had this cancer thing in the bag, thrown out, gone, CANCER FREE.  Well God did keep his promise, all I needed was surgery to rid my body of this cancer.  Then I find out that there was more cancer in my breast then what was first found and my test score came back higher then I had expected.  So I asked God "What is up with this?  You promised all I needed was surgery."  Now the fight is to keep it from coming back.  This is so much harder than I ever expected.  Some people reactions are really throwing for a loop.  I am so scared...so so scared. I don't want to go thru this again.  Nothing is guaranteed.  God did tell me I wouldn't die from this.  Did he mean breast cancer or cancer in general?  I'm praying for help in this decision. I'm being told to wait.  I guess the answer will be clear when the time is right. My surgeon said that the oncology team highly recommend chemo because of my young age and that multiple tumors were found. I believe that if i didn't have the surgery when I did, it would have spread to my lymph nodes then there wouldn't be any questions. But God had my Dr. move quickly cause he was concerned about my lymph nodes. Sometimes I wonder if I should have had my other breast removed but I don't think that would have helped much since the cancer can show up else where in my body ie: bones,liver.

What to do...what to do..All God is telling me right now is wait. That is what I have been doing but the wait is not easy.  God has been honest with me and no matter what others may think He is what have been guiding me. He has not steered me wrong yet on this journey. I'm holding on to my faith with all my might. I was told this will be tough... I guess this is the rough, rocky road I'm about to travel. All I can do is strap on my seat belt and had God the keys.

The Oncotype test results (chemo or no chemo)

 I went to see my surgeon yesterday to get the results of my Oncotype DX test.(to see if I need chemo) plus get a better understanding of my pathology report. Well the pathology report was good. my margins were clear and nodes negative. I originally had 2 tumors they found a 3rd. and the Dcis was 4.1 cm and no metastases, so the mastectomy was the best thing for me. so I had Stage 1A cancer. He said this was the best type to have.   Now normally that would be treated with just tamoxifen for 5 years BUT..... My Oncotype DX test was a 23 which put me in the middle of the middle of the chart for benefiting from chemo. The test tells me I have a 15% chance of the cancer coming back in 10 years or 85% of it never coming back. My surgeon is consulting with a team of 3 Oncologist today and will tell me what was said later this evening and then I will consult with them. This really suck because it falls in my hands on what to do. I didn't know where else to turn. Of course my husband doesn't want me to go thru chemo neither do I but it's one thing to not want it but need it (like the surgery)and another to not want it and maybe you will or maybe you wont benefit from it. How do you make such a decision for your life. This is so unfair Cancer sucks. I'm not looking for someone to make this decision for me. 

 God told me this morning that my fight is just beginning.  I know that I have way too much to live for.  I feel like I should flip a coin because this whole this is really up to chance. God tells me things change.  It has just really hit me that this is a fight I will be fighting for the rest of my life. My husband and children need me.  My daughter and I are planning a trip to Paris next year to celebrate me beating this mess.  I'm Mad now. I know some women are having a harder time then I am and I know my cancer is easier to deal with but this whole cancer this is just wrong. I still don't know what me decision will be i still need to meet with the Oncologist after my surgeon does.  I'm praying God will have an answer for me by then.  I guess I'm still waiting( the patience test..lol)