Thank You God!!!

 Well I made it thru surgery fantastic.!!!!  I was told that the nerves were wrapped around the tumor quite a bit that's why they had to have more monitoring during my surgery cause it was going to be more complicated.  God ...God was there.  My surgery was only 6 hours long instead of 9 and the doctors said the nerves just bent out the way so he could remove the tumor.  NO NO nerves were cut,  Even a very sensitive nerve that controls my swallowing was just fine.  I'm not using much pain meds.  I normally have problems with my IV cause I can only use the one arm from breast cancer surgery NO problems there.  I had brain surgery on Tuesday and I am home doing well on Sat.  God did this.  I stayed faithful. I never doubted Him.  Even when my symptoms were getting worst I knew God would take care of me.  So many prayers went up that morning and I am so very thankful and grateful for His love.
 I was able to walk a flight a stairs yesterday very well.  I just have to use a few tricks to help my brain heal and regain more independence.  I will be going to outpatient therapy to help me get stronger. I wish I could go to church today but just a walk to the bathroom is enough excitement for me these days..lol    But God knows my praise!!  I will be back soon Faith Church Baltimore


PS.  I am asking for help with meals for my family since I am the family chef...lol A website has been set up to help schedule meals if you would like to help.  I normally don't ask for help but I realize the brain is very sensitive and I will take a little more time getting back to my normal routine. Because of my husband's job and pastoring a church and taking care of home I know the meals would be one less worry for him. So if you would like to bless us with a meal please inbox me for the website and password to set a date.  Thank you for your help.

YAYYYYYYYY for TODAY!!! 2 YEARS

YAYYYYYYYYY...Today is my 2 year Cancer Free Anniversary!!!!.  2 years ago today cancer was removed from my body.  I am so very thankful to still be alive.  Yes the last couple of years have been tough but I am cancer free. I really didn't realize how mentally tough I am. But God knew.  He knew I could handle this battle and win.  Through the last 2 years I have been able to inspire women with cancer to have faith in God to help them thru this crazy journey.  I cry tears of happiness  that I made it this far.  2 years cancer free. You always fear the cancer will come back especially since I did keep one breast but God has been showering me with FAVOR.  I pray I will continue to receive His cancer free blessings for many many more years.  I plan on being around for my baby Dylan's children.  I am also thankful for the blessing of my loving husband.  He has loved me so much thru this and continues to shower me with more and more love.  That is the best medicine a woman  can get. When I start to fall he is right there to pick me up and dust me off and push me to keep going.  And I am thankful for my parents. They have been the best, being there to care for me, take me to appointments or just love on me when I needed them.  And can't forget my kids.  They keep a smile on my face.  My daughter makes me so proud of the woman she has become, she calls me almost everyday sometime several times a day. My middle son takes great care of me. Even tho he is becoming a young man he stills hugs and kisses me every morning and every night, and my baby boy won't let me be sad. He is always doing something to make me laugh and his little hugs and kisses and songs always make me feel better.  Yes I am a 2 YEAR SURVIVOR !

Support

The other day I was on the phone with my daughter Nay as usual and I was telling her I wish I could talk to someone who has gone thru this so I would know what to expect after surgery.  She found a great group called Meningioma Mommas.  They have a Facebook page and a website with a discussion board.  They have been very helpful.  It is very nice to chat with people who are going thru or has gone thru the same thing.  The people have been very supportive. I am so happy Nay found them for me. I have learned more about my recovery and what to expect.  Still praying and meditating that the tumor will shrink and surgery won't be needed.  It is still hard to believe.  Oh well I have faith God will do what is best.

Post surgery

Wow that was an experience,  It was funny cause I didn't remember much that happened before my mastectomy last time.  That gosh darn lorazipan works wonders.  But this time I didn't take anything ... I was ready for this. I had the operating team laughing because I pretty much jump up on the table before they were ready for me..lol  Then afterwards ugggggggggg.. The pain was bad. it was getting close to labor pains.  I started to cry it was so bad.  I have a high pain threshold from dealing with the fibromyalgia.  That didn't make any difference I was hurting.. They kept giving me pain meds then they gave me liquid Tylenol.  That stuff works.  I'm on percocet now.  I seem to be in constant pain but not as bad as earlier.. It's like a burning sensation on the left side of my chest. I keep being told the results are worth it..  HMMMMMM they better be nice...lol  this mess hurts.

The good thing is I am able to move around better today.. got all that pain meds and anesthesia  from the hospital out of my system. My head doesn't feel fuzzy anymore. Now don't get me wrong I am so ever thankful for being able to have this surgery.  There are so many women that can't have reconstruction surgery for one reason or another. I have read the stories of my cancer friends and they seem to be going thru so much more than me.  I pray for them everyday.  These are some tough women. They make my journey look like a walk in the park. They still support and encourage me when needed. 

I am looking forward to healing so I can hold my baby Dylan again.  I kept kissing on him yesterday morning. He was looking at me like he knew why. I can't wait until I am able to tale him to the pool.  My big boy Jay has been such a blessing I really can't imagine life with out him. Nay couldn't come down because it was her first day on the job.  Last but definitely not least my hubby... he even went without food because I couldn't eat.  I love him so so much..

So now I focus on healing and moving.  Still got stuff to pack. I'm going to more of a director than anything else.  What a busy week we have.

No Chemo (kinda long)

Ok yesterday I had a consultation with an Infertility doctor.  My Oncologist wanted me to meet with her to help make my decision about chemo.

First I don't need chemo.  It would be more of an insurance policy for me.  Killing off cancer cells just in case some stray active ones are in there.  It will take my chances of cancer showing up in 10 years somewhere else from 15% to 12%.  I will be on hormone therapy (tamoxifen) for 5 years but since I want to have at least 1 more child she agree to only 2 years then try to get pregnant then after the baby go back on for 3 years.  If I don't take the tamoxifen, my chances of getting cancer again is 45%.. so with that said I NEED the tamoxifen!

This has not been an easy decision.  I have been begging God for some help, BEGGING, He kept telling me to wait , hold still, I will know the answer.  Well that sucks He knows how I am about waiting...lol  I was leaning toward taking the chemo..Why?  I was scared. I didn't want to go thru this again. I was afraid I dying, not being here for my husband, my kids and new baby boy. Just plain scared. Even after meeting with the Oncologist twice, I wasn't feeling the chemo 100%.  Many family members wanted me to take the chemo, my daughter supports whatever I decide(that didn't help)..lol, my husband didn't, some friends said not to,others said do it. I started reading post on a breast cancer website from women who have the same cancer I do. All of that left me even more confused then ever.  Then I stopped begging and turned it over to God.  Early one morning while in prayer God told me He never left me, I I let go of his hand, that's why I was so scared.  I forgot His promise when all of this first started.  "This will not kill me"  That does not guarantee that the cancer will never come back... nothing can guarantee that but my major fear of dying has been calmed. When I let go of the fear and grabbed hold of God's hand again, confirmation started coming from everywhere that I don't need chemo.  I feel secure in my decision, my heart is at peace now. If the cancer comes back I truly believe it would have came back no matter what I could have done.  Nothing is 100% .  I will be taking on a healthier lifestyle than what I have been living. I know I need to take better care of myself than I have been. Thank You God for believing in me and trusting me and never leaving my side.  Some people might say the devil put fear in me but the devil had nothing to do with this.  I had to learn to trust God always and completely. Once I let go of the fear, the answer came to me so fast.  That is the lesson I learned,  You can't go to God with fear in your heart.  Let go of the fear and trust Him.  He will answer you.

Ok back to the Infertility doctor.  I found out that I am very very fertile  YAYYYY ME!!!   I do have fibroids. One that is in my uterus that needs to be removed, Other than that everything looks very good. She said we can harvest some eggs and freeze them so when I want to get pregnant I will have strong eggs. If I do have chemo I will become infertile.  That was the last nail in the chemo coffin.( plus I didn't want to lose my hair.. I just started to let it grow).  There have been plenty of women who become pregnant after taking tamoxifen.  Since I am no where near menopause and have young ovaries, I am no longer worried about being pushed into menopause by the tamoxifen. Now this whole invetro thing  is very expensive and there is some financial help from the Lance Armstrong organization but there is still $5000 we would have to pay. So what am I going to do........ Put it in prayer and hand it over to God.   He hasn't failed me.  I need to make a decision within the next week because I have to start some kind of treatment very very very soon. So this is the cancer side of my life.  The other side  of my life is a bit crazy right now that is a whole separate story tooo long to put here right now.  This whole cancer this still gets me down sometimes.. I guess I just tired of dealing with it.  Well I got to call my Oncologist and let her know what I have decided.

Holding onto God real tight right now!

My Birthday

March 28,  I have turned 42 today.  The last year has been a whirlwind for me. I have had 2 surgeries (gall bladder removed & breast cancer) I got married to the most loving man made for me. I feel as tho my relationship with my son and daughter has grown deeper and stronger.  My family is growing in leaps and bounds. We got a cat named Jacob and soon my lil baby boy Dylan.  He will be with me on Good Friday.

I can't imagine this year past year without my husband. I love him more than word can express. He has given me strength to fight. He is my King, my partner. I had asked God for a man that goes to church.  God laughed at me and gave a Bishop...lol.  Being a pastor's wife is the last thing in the world I ever thought I will be.  I am learning and I am enjoying this road that God has put me on.

I am thankful I am on this earth for another year. As I look back, I notice my obedience has made the last year easier.  I didn't make a move unless God told me to.  Every decision God was consulted. Everything I have been thru has been a learning experience. My faith and trust in the Lord has gotten me this far and I plan on holding His hand for rest of the journey.  I'm starting to believe that sometimes he let go of my hand to allow me to feel the human side so I understand how it feels, so when the time comes I can really help some else in the same situation. But knowing no matter what, all I have to do is reach out and He will be there to take my hand again. 

God has a big plan he is preparing me for. This molding process has been tough and i know he is not finished.
I'm excited about this year.  So I'm holding on tight to God cause this is going to be one very interesting journey.

Feeling some kind of way

I'm feeling some kind of way today.  Today is the day I get the results of the OncotypeDX Test (tells me the chances of the cancer coming back).  I find out if I need chemo or not.  I know God told me "just surgery"  He also told me I will be ok.  Me and my family have been given so many blessings sine we found out about the cancer.  God has told me this road will be tough and hard but it will be worth it in the end.  I was also told that there are more blessings to come.

While looking over the paperwork and my pathology report I notice that my cancer had changed.  When it was first found they were a stage 0 and stage 1.  By the time of surgery they were a stage 1 and stage 2.  The tumors had grown larger. So I know several of my other numbers that they use as markers must have increased. That is why I am concerned.  I wonder if the original treatment plan has changed.  God has me on this road where I don't know where I going and all I know is I will be ok at the end.  This is not easy to surrender all to God (especially when I like to control everything...lol)  I know this is a test of my faith and each time I hold on He blesses me for my obedience. I'm not sure if being scared is what I'm feeling or worry.. I don't know what it is I just feel some kind of way.

I still don't like taking a shower.  I haven't gotten use to my new body.  The good thing is that when I went to church this past Sunday, you couldn't tell anything was gone cause I have so  much padding compressing me I look almost even.lol   I know I will have new boobs by summer..... There goes that test of patience again I guess..lol.. This blog has been great therapy. I have been reading other survivors stories too.  They seem to help a lot. So tonight I find out how I will be spending my spring and summer.  All I keep hearing is God saying" I got you"

Thank You God!!

It's Sunday February 19, 2012.  I want to Thank God for being there with me during this whole surgery thing and staying by my side during my recovery. My pain is easing up.. Soo BIG YAYYYY!!! for that..lol  I'm still taking it easy.  My fabo husband bought me this great soft, comfy recliner so it makes it easier for me to stay still..lol  I got some of the best sleep in this chair yesterday since the surgery.  Matt  is so wonderful and good to me.  Thank you God for him.
God has help me get into a good mental place.  I was really scared how I would feel after the surgery.  I thought I would be depressed and sad and crying.  I don't feel any of that.  I am a little self conscious of the unevenness of my breast but I am content.  I'm happy the surgery part is over. Mentally, I am in a good place.  God has put peace in my heart.  When you trust God, He makes everything so much easier to deal with.  This whole thing was getting to hard to handle and I had to hand it over to God.  As He promised He took care of it.  It's funny cause God kept telling me "I Got You".  That is all He was saying in the days up to my surgery. I know I still have more road to travel on the journey, I'm not worried God is traveling with me.

Recovering

Well everything is going well.  I'm a little sad that my daughter Nay had to leave but having her here to take care of me was great.  She did yell at me to stay still.. I think she enjoyed fussing me ...lol.  I moved around too much yesterday and tried to get up this morning and felt the most horrible pain.. So I will be moving a lot less today.  It's just weird for me to have others waiting on me.  My husband is being so wonderful.  He was up all night just to make sure I don't miss my pain meds.  I just love him so much.  He fussed at me to for moving around too much...lol  I took a look at myself yesterday.  It didn't upset me like I thought.  Now I am loop-sided but in a couple of months I will be just about even again.  Mentally I'm doing so much better.  God did tell me I will be alright. Now I'm just waiting for the pathology report.  I'm not worried about that either.  This part has been easier than I thought it would be.  so people had me so worried how I would feel after the surgery.  I was told I would be in soooo much pain and not going to be able to move much.  Well God has his hand on me and I feel great.(as long as I stay on top of the pain meds..lol)  I'm able to crochet and do my own hair ..I know the only thing that will drive me crazy is being stuck in the house.  But I'm resting and healing and I have cute pajamas.  I am a proud Breast Cancer Survivor! I can honestly say God has been by my side the whole way  :)

Day after surgery

Ok it's the day after surgery.  I am feeling better than I thought I would.  My daughter stayed overnight with me.  She is taking very good care of me.  They took the IV off early this morning, so I have more freedom. You know what's funny, the nurse kept wanting me to pass gas... it's funny to tell some stranger that "yeah i passed gas today"...lol   Good thing i didn't get my hair done.. I would have sweated out the style and be mad for wasting the money.  So that's on my todo list when I up to it.  Nay and I took a walk around for a little bit. I got to put on my cute Minnie Mouse pajama pants.  I'm loving my pain pills...lol  God kept his promise and I am doing well.  My surgeon came by and told me my lymph were negative..YAYYYYYYYYYY.  THANK YOU for all the prayers and good vibes sent my way. They worked,  I still feel weak but will be getting stronger and stronger everyday.  Now I'm just hoping I can go home today *crossing fingers*

This Weekend

Ok this is the weekend before my surgery.  My nerves are getting bad..It's getting harder to hide them.  Matt and Jay and I watched Bad Teacher last night...very funny movie..I need funny movies right now.  We bought a couple of things that I will need after surgery.. That started to get to me until my brother "ROB" called me (I repeat I don't call him that)..lol  His calls seem to come at the perfect time to make me laugh.  Jay is being wonderful too.  He is getting real good with rubbing my feet to help me relax.  Nay is going to spend the night with me at the hospital.  I have been really blessed me with these 2 great kids. I have been trying to keep my mind busy.  The fibromyalgia has me very tired these days.  My Dr. told me its normal considering the stress I'm under.  Oh I have been cleared for surgery.  My blood pressure finally lower. I still have to watch my diet.  I think I need to start those anti anxiety meds again.  As much as I don't like them, they probably help my blood pressure.

  I'm glad we have the women's session tonight Detox 2012, Agape Christian Center 4601 York Road, Baltimore, MD 21212 @ 7pm.   ok there's my plug...lol  It's easier when I can focus on helping others and not thinking about myself.  I'm gonna go get my toes done so I will at least have pretty feet.  I was going to get my hair done but changed my mind because I will sleep on pain meds for quite a bit so I'm gonna wait until after surgery. I plan on crocheting while I recover so be on the look out for some of my new creations. :)  Now I just need to get laundry done and clean my bedroom and buy some PJs then, I think I will have everything ready.. I guess as ready as I'm gonna be

WOW

I really messed up today.  I totally forgot my appointment with the plastic surgeon.  I thought my appointment was Friday but NOOOOOO it was today.  They called me at 12 asking me if I was coming the appointment was at 11:30am.  What got me was that they said they had no other time available for me to be seen before the surgery. Plus they block out an hour of time for the consultation. So I only had 30 min left to see her.  I was a basketcase on the drive to the office.  I prayed and prayed asking God to make this appointment work.  I couldn't handle if I messed this up.  Well I got there at 12:20.  I was scared that they were going to say it was to late to see me but they were very  very nice and understanding.  And God did his thing and the patient after me had to reschedule so she was able to spend the time needed.  This is starting to become very real.  We were sitting there talking about cutting off a part of me and replacing it with something else.  This whole thing is just crazy.  I don't want to go through with this but what choice do I have.  I must get this cancer out of me.  Its all through out my breast so they can't just remove the lumps.  This sucks! The closer the day comes the more I don't want to think about it.  Well at least I can keep my hair.  No chemo or radiation, so I have that going for me. I'm so ready to get this over with so I can put it in the past.  so I will be spending the next couple of days getting things ready for Wed. I will admit it is getting harder and harder the closer I get. I know I will be ok.  God promised me that.

02/07/2012

 8 days until my surgery.  I still have  a lot to do to make sure everything is ready.  I just want to make sure my guys (Matt & Jay) are taken care of properly until I'm back on my feet.  At least Matt and I get to spend Valentines Day together before the surgery. I had spent some time with my dad yesterday..Funny  at 41 I still need that comfort of daddy time.  This whole thing still seem so unreal.  I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see a sick person.. My brain just can't seem to understand it.  The anxiety about the surgery is slowly starting to hit me. I go for my pre op physical today.  I haven't seen this Dr. since my diagnosis.  I have been seeing her for a couple of years..She will probably be shocked.  The fibromyalgia is starting to kick in.  This should be real interesting how my body reacts after surgery.  Well I'm only thinking good thoughts.  For some reason I just can't get mad.  I'm scared and nervous and feel it's unfair and I don't want this,  This is not fair to my new husband.  We are suppose to be growing our family, not fighting cancer! God has His reason. I must accept it even if I don't understand.  Really, what other choice do I have?

Thank You

Waking up feeling good today.  I want to thank my wonderful husband Matthew for loving me so much thru this and reminding me I'm beautiful no matter what happens. He has been so understanding on my bad days and he does what ever it takes to put a smile on my face (which is not hard for him to do). I also want to thank my kids, Chardiney and Jayson. They are so strong and supportive, They keep me laughing and make me fight harder. Talk about keeping me laughing, my brother Rob( not the name I call him lol),  had me laughing the day I got the news about the cancer.  No matter what bad news I call him with he finds some way to have me laughing before I get off the phone.  Thank you  for being such a great brother.  I want to thank Lashawn, my new cousin by marriage, for being by my side and helping me understand  and FIGHT this cancer.  The toughest part is yet to come. I know with all the love,support and prayers from everybody, my family and I will be just fine.. I thank you.  All the encouraging words and prayers have given me strength. Please continue to send them.  Just a side note.. I don't know how people get addicted to anti anxiety meds...when I take half a pill, Jay and Matt laugh at me cause they say I am moving in slow motion.Yes I do have to think harder when I take them but they will sit there and laugh at me...lol.  When I take a whole pill the world seems to slow down until I pass out sleep...lol  I can't take those things all the time.. but they were helpful when needed...lol.  This will be something we will be able to look back and laugh about.  Well, we laugh about it now  ....lol   Laughter is the BEST medicine and my family is full of that..hehe

Hold Still

The last couple of days have been tough.  I have been on the verge of tears most of the time.  I had a very hard time with not having a plastic surgeon to do the reconstruction surgery right away.  My brain just couldn't accept waking up to having nothing there.  I understand it is just a breast and the cancer had to go but the thought of nothing being there was sending me to a very dark place.  I have been taking the anti anxiety meds the Dr. gave me.  I felt myself needing them more and more.

Well the good news is that my lymph nodes are just inflamed from infection from the last biopsy.  So I'm happy about that. Now back to the reconstruction, my new cousin by marriage Lashawn, has gone thru this 2 years ago.  She has been such a wonderful support. She has called me almost every day to make sure I'm ok.  I told her where I was mentally.  She told me to FIGHT and FIGHT some more.  Cause I was just ready to let the surgery happen and deal with what came.  But Lashawn gave me her plastic surgeon's name.  I looked it up and email him.   He is the head plastic surgeon at another hospital. If I was having it at his hospital he would do it but he has obligations to where he is at now.  I understood.  He explained everything that will happen and encouraged me to stay with my current Dr. cause he is the best in what he does.  He left his personal number and offered to make some calls for me.  It was nice to know that I had a surgeon after the mastectomy but that didn't help me right now. I remember yelling out to God to help me cause this was getting real hard real fast.  All I heard was " I got you".  2 days later I was sitting in my car after I dropped Jayson at school and looked down at my breast and try to imagine it not being there.  I knew if I went thru with things as planned I will need some serious counseling afterwards. God told me to tell my Dr.  So I sent my Dr. an email describing how I was feeling. Less than an hour later he replied back saying he was going to make some calls. That lifted my spirits.  So an hour later his office coordinator calls and tells me that I have a plastic surgeon to put the expander in which I have to have in for 3 months and I can have any other surgeon to finish up the job.  I fell to my knees thanking God. I haven't felt the need to take the meds or even felt like crying.  I'm actually my happy positive self again and looking forward to getting this over with and start healing and moving on with my life. God keeps telling me to hold still and don't move until I say so.  Its hard when you are use to being the fixer in people's lives. Candy is doing as she is told...lol  .  There is no way you can convince me there is no God.  Look how he is working in my life.  I just have to HOLD STILL and LISTEN

Surgery :( :)

My surgery is scheduled for Feb 15, 2012. 7:30 am.  My life will change that day.  Last night I had another biopsy done cause my lymph nodes were inflamed and the Dr. is concerned that the cancer is draining there.  I find out tonight if it's cancer.  If so I can't have reconstruction right away even if I want it. I have been praying it's just an infection from the last biopsy. My brain is kinda numb it's like some crazy dream I can't wake up from. This is so hard to believe this is happening to me. But you know what.. I'm gonna find something to laugh about everyday, even if it just some pretty flowers to look at and smell.  My positive mind will be working overdrive.  This will not overtake me mentally!  So get ready world a crazier and stronger Candy is about to be unleashed!  Ok Now I need a superhero name..Hmmmmm.  So with my battle cry and superhero name...Cancer doesn't have a chance...lol  GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME!!!!!!!!!!

Long Day 2/2/2012

My tough shell is cracking. Yesterday is making everything real. I had to go apply for temp disability.  It was a bit crazy everybody...not everybody but it was a very trying time getting to the right person to help me.  I even burst into tears in the office but that's when they found somebody to help me.  He was very kind and understanding.He even had me laughing by the time I left his office.

I started taking the anti anxiety  meds the Dr. gave me.  I really thought I wouldn't need them but I feel like I'm on the verge of crying at any moment.   So don't walk up to me with bad breath, I just might burst into tears from the  smell....hehehe... maybe not that bad but close.   But don't tip toe around me.... if my breath is bad Please tell me.  please don't take me tears personal...They seem to run out my eyes on their own these days..lol  Goodness I was apologizing in the lady's office crying and telling her I'm ok.. I know I looked crazy..lol

It's funny I have never felt God around me more than I do now. Even when I have my private moments of falling apart He is there holding me letting me know that am ok and it's ok to feel the way I do. At times I feel kinda crazy.. I have been content, sad, depressed, silly, and even happy. I can't seem to feel anger.  I kinda feel like I can't get angry at God's plan.  Everything will work out in the end and then I will understand why I had to go  through this.  I have look at how my experiences in my past has prepared me to deal with what is happening now.  Goodness if this had happen five or ten years ago, I would have been a babbling mess...lol.  My relationship with God has taught me, things happens for a reason and He will NEVER leave me alone.  So with Matt on one side and God on the other and my kids around....I will conquer any battle that comes my way.  that's it.. I need a battle cry like in the movie Red Tails.... I gotta think on that 

SUNDAY 1/29/2012

It's Sunday morning at 7am nobody else is up yet.  I have quite a bit of pain under my arm.  I have emailed my Dr already. I'm sitting here watching TD Jakes.  Why does it always seems like he is talking to me?...lol.

I'm looking forward to service.  Being at the church helps.  The members are so supportive.
If some of you don't know my husband. Bishop Matthew E Bradby II, is a pastor of Faith Church Baltimore (401 East Lorraine ave, Baltimore Md 21218)  I had to plug that in...lol  Oh yeah service starts at 11am.

I guess the hardest part about all this is the waiting... I really just want to get this over with but I know moving fast right now is not in God's plan.  So I wait.

My Faith

God did promise me that all I needed was surgery.  He has kept his promise.  Some people wonder how I can  stay so positive.  God promised me I will be ok but it will not be easy.  He also told me I will not die and I will not need chemo.  Well that is exactly what the Dr. told me.  God keeps his promises. I haven't asked why because I know God has his reasons and He has my best  interest at heart.  I truly believe that there is someone I am suppose to encounter and this is the only way for it to happen is for me to go through this journey. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle...well Lord you must have an awful lot of faith in me. So I have to have faith that what God tells me is the truth and He will keep me. My faith has not waned.  We might not like the journey God puts us on but He is with you the whole way and you will understand in the end.  I might not be able to quote scripture off the top of my head but I have the utmost unshakeable faith in God and He has never failed me.   1 Peter 4:12