THE DEVIL CAN'T STEAL MY JOY!

Hello,  It has been quite some time since my last post.  Well the devil tried to distract me, even tho I didn't make a post I didn't forget.  Yesterday February 15th 2016 I am 4 years cancer free. 4 long years but I have made it,  God has kept me.. THANK YOU LORD....HALLELUJAH!!!  The devil tried... yes he did but he lost that battle. God is keeping his promise to me.  This journey hasn't been easy but it would have been much harder with God in my life.  God gave me the best husband who have loved me more and more the past 4 years.  I am so very thankful for him.

I was reading a post from 4 years ago and all I could do is cry because I remember that pain. http://candybradby.blogspot.com/2012/02/this-is-soo-hard.html  I remember wondering what my life is going to be like after the mastectomy. I was hurting.  BUT GOD!!!  I don't feel that pain anymore.  God has used me and has showed me His love.  In my worst pain God kept me.  The devil tries to convince you to give up, the pain won't go away, things will never get better.... IT'S A LIE.  Trust in God... Trust Him... I am living proof... read my older post.  It will look bad.. real bad like when I had the brain tumor 2 years ago.  I have videos right after surgery on my Facebook page Surgery Video Now I see why the Lord had me write this blog, to show people living proof trusting in Him in your darkest hour He will come thru.

4 years....  I just took it one day at a time, one week at a time one month at a time and now I can count years at a time.  Yes my life has changed, my body has changed and even my mindset but with the love from my husband, children and family and my church family and last but not least my God I feel stronger than ever. I feel I am living testament to my church's(House Of Champions International Church and Ministries) mission statement.  This is just part of it " No weapon formed against us shall prosper as we are called we are more than conquerors in the Word! We are winners in every area of our lives and we shall all prosper in all that we do. In my darkest hour I asked God to use me.  Thank you for listening Lord.   Yayyyy me 4 years cancer free!!

FOOD

YESSSSS Food !!!! Now yes I gave gained about 50 lbs since diagnoses with breast cancer. 2 years ago.  My doctors are not that concerned between 6 surgeries and different meds it's not bad and my blood pressure hase been under control (when I take my meds)  When I do feel well I do exercise.  I LOVE the pool.  Now  back to food.  I CAN TASTE IT.   I am so happy the  steroids are starting to wear off.  I love to eat.  I enjoy eating.  I love flavor.  I miss it.  last night I had Bourbon Salmon OMG  soooo good and I had a peanut butter cup yummmmmy.  It was such a disappointment when my daughter went to get me some Chick Fil A and the lemonade didn't taste right.  I love their lemonade and I could barely taste the nuggets another fav of mine.  Then I wanted a ball park beef hotdog...ugggg it tasted like mush.  I guess it is a great was to loose weight because I had lost all interest in eating.. it was no fun....no party in my mouth.  :(   Flavor is coming back.  If I could I would be dancing to the Happy song...lol 

Now besides food... I am doing well.  I was able to go all day with no pain meds. Now I do have a lot a pressure on the right side and towards the back of my head. It is very uncomfortable. I have to watch how I position my head to keep a lot of pressure from building up.  I am able to get up and around and it feels good to be moving about.  I am resting so don't fuss at me. I still need a walker but getting stronger everyday. Now the next thing I want to do is wash my hair.... I so happy I went natural when I did but this mess needs a good washing.  I will be able  to after Thursday when the stitches come out.  I can look girly again.  I plan on sporting a cute mohawk for a bit until my hair grows out more.  I'm recovering  YAYYYYY  Lord you are Awesome!!

HAPPY

It has been awhile since I last posted.  I got clearance from my plastic surgeon to shop for regular bras...YAYYYYY.   I will get my nipple reconstruction in Nov.  The side effects from the tamoxifen has calmed down a bit.  Except my fibroids getting so large I look pregnant.  I see the GYN this week to discuss what to do to fix it.  Other than that I am happy.  I look normal and I feel almost normal.

I ran into 2 people who haven't seen me since last year.  One of the ladies didn't even know I had cancer.  she said looking at me she would never have known.  That made me feel sooooo good .  I smiled so hard. I realized I have been blessed to not have to struggle as bad as some women have.  I am actually having a pretty easy time of this.  I thank you Lord.... Oh how I thank you. The the next day I saw my old boss from Jackson Hewitt.  The last time she saw me was 2 weeks before my mastectomy.  She is the one who sent me the yummy fruit basket.  Well she said I looked awesome.. Again I was smiling hard and feeling very blessed.

I don't think most people understand that when something has changed on your body that wasn't really by choice, how abnormal you feel. Yea I stuffed my bra until the reconstruction and after the one breast was so swollen I wore very very loose tops so you couldn't see the unevenness.  Inside I didn't feel normal.  I wondered if I will ever feel that way again. I didn't want people to look at me with that look of pity in there eyes.  I just wanted them to see Candy,  the wife , the mom, the friend.  I'm getting my wish now, and it feels very good.  Yea my stomach looks like I'm several months pregnant, I feel good and from what people tell me I look good..lol lol. 

I am a 6 month breast cancer survivor!!!!!!!  Every day and every month and every year is important.  I want people to look at me and say "this is what surviving breast cancer looks like"  I am happy, somewhat happy with my body but this is a work in progress.  I know once the anniversary of my cancer comes around, I WILL be happy with my body again. 

Reconstruction Day

It is hard to believe that today I will have my reconstruction surgery.  There have been moments where I actually forget that I had cancer. Then I am given a reminder either with the tamoxifen or my hard right "breast"  The only thing I am not happy with is that I have to wait until 11 to go to the hospital.  I couldn't eat or drink anything after 12 midnight.  We still have packing to do, so I will be keeping myself busy packing until Matt takes me to the hospital. 

We are also moving this week but I won't be moving anything after today.  This house is falling apart.  Ok we got the sewage back up in the basement and the wall leaking in the basement then the hole in my kitchen ceiling showing the bathtub pipes and now the ceiling in the leaking wall room fell in.  this house is literally falling apart around us. I am so happy we are getting out of here this week.

It is weird, I am having very mixed feelings right now.  I'm excited, nervous,scared and angry that I even had to go thru this. I never had any surgery except a c-section for my daughter 23 years ago.  I turn 40 and I fall apart. 1st my gall bladder didn't want to stay a week after my birthday and then my breast didn't want to stay 2 weeks before my wedding. I thought I was doing pretty good health wise.  I eat pretty healthy, I don't smoke, I might have a drink once or twice a year even then I don't drink much.  It's crazy how cancer picks it victims. Well I'm pissed.  I was very happy with my breast BC  (before cancer).  Well one good thing about this is that I can go without a bra  :)  So as soon as the bandages come off Summer dresses here I come...lol 

I thank God for keeping my sanity.  You go thru so many different feelings once you are told you have cancer, that you feel kinda crazy at time. My faith in God has kept me sane ( now I know others might question the sane part..lol).  Thank You Lord for loving me and keeping me.  I couldn't have done it without you.  This journey isn't over yet.

The Oncotype test results (chemo or no chemo)

 I went to see my surgeon yesterday to get the results of my Oncotype DX test.(to see if I need chemo) plus get a better understanding of my pathology report. Well the pathology report was good. my margins were clear and nodes negative. I originally had 2 tumors they found a 3rd. and the Dcis was 4.1 cm and no metastases, so the mastectomy was the best thing for me. so I had Stage 1A cancer. He said this was the best type to have.   Now normally that would be treated with just tamoxifen for 5 years BUT..... My Oncotype DX test was a 23 which put me in the middle of the middle of the chart for benefiting from chemo. The test tells me I have a 15% chance of the cancer coming back in 10 years or 85% of it never coming back. My surgeon is consulting with a team of 3 Oncologist today and will tell me what was said later this evening and then I will consult with them. This really suck because it falls in my hands on what to do. I didn't know where else to turn. Of course my husband doesn't want me to go thru chemo neither do I but it's one thing to not want it but need it (like the surgery)and another to not want it and maybe you will or maybe you wont benefit from it. How do you make such a decision for your life. This is so unfair Cancer sucks. I'm not looking for someone to make this decision for me. 

 God told me this morning that my fight is just beginning.  I know that I have way too much to live for.  I feel like I should flip a coin because this whole this is really up to chance. God tells me things change.  It has just really hit me that this is a fight I will be fighting for the rest of my life. My husband and children need me.  My daughter and I are planning a trip to Paris next year to celebrate me beating this mess.  I'm Mad now. I know some women are having a harder time then I am and I know my cancer is easier to deal with but this whole cancer this is just wrong. I still don't know what me decision will be i still need to meet with the Oncologist after my surgeon does.  I'm praying God will have an answer for me by then.  I guess I'm still waiting( the patience test..lol)

WOW

I really messed up today.  I totally forgot my appointment with the plastic surgeon.  I thought my appointment was Friday but NOOOOOO it was today.  They called me at 12 asking me if I was coming the appointment was at 11:30am.  What got me was that they said they had no other time available for me to be seen before the surgery. Plus they block out an hour of time for the consultation. So I only had 30 min left to see her.  I was a basketcase on the drive to the office.  I prayed and prayed asking God to make this appointment work.  I couldn't handle if I messed this up.  Well I got there at 12:20.  I was scared that they were going to say it was to late to see me but they were very  very nice and understanding.  And God did his thing and the patient after me had to reschedule so she was able to spend the time needed.  This is starting to become very real.  We were sitting there talking about cutting off a part of me and replacing it with something else.  This whole thing is just crazy.  I don't want to go through with this but what choice do I have.  I must get this cancer out of me.  Its all through out my breast so they can't just remove the lumps.  This sucks! The closer the day comes the more I don't want to think about it.  Well at least I can keep my hair.  No chemo or radiation, so I have that going for me. I'm so ready to get this over with so I can put it in the past.  so I will be spending the next couple of days getting things ready for Wed. I will admit it is getting harder and harder the closer I get. I know I will be ok.  God promised me that.

Hold Still

The last couple of days have been tough.  I have been on the verge of tears most of the time.  I had a very hard time with not having a plastic surgeon to do the reconstruction surgery right away.  My brain just couldn't accept waking up to having nothing there.  I understand it is just a breast and the cancer had to go but the thought of nothing being there was sending me to a very dark place.  I have been taking the anti anxiety meds the Dr. gave me.  I felt myself needing them more and more.

Well the good news is that my lymph nodes are just inflamed from infection from the last biopsy.  So I'm happy about that. Now back to the reconstruction, my new cousin by marriage Lashawn, has gone thru this 2 years ago.  She has been such a wonderful support. She has called me almost every day to make sure I'm ok.  I told her where I was mentally.  She told me to FIGHT and FIGHT some more.  Cause I was just ready to let the surgery happen and deal with what came.  But Lashawn gave me her plastic surgeon's name.  I looked it up and email him.   He is the head plastic surgeon at another hospital. If I was having it at his hospital he would do it but he has obligations to where he is at now.  I understood.  He explained everything that will happen and encouraged me to stay with my current Dr. cause he is the best in what he does.  He left his personal number and offered to make some calls for me.  It was nice to know that I had a surgeon after the mastectomy but that didn't help me right now. I remember yelling out to God to help me cause this was getting real hard real fast.  All I heard was " I got you".  2 days later I was sitting in my car after I dropped Jayson at school and looked down at my breast and try to imagine it not being there.  I knew if I went thru with things as planned I will need some serious counseling afterwards. God told me to tell my Dr.  So I sent my Dr. an email describing how I was feeling. Less than an hour later he replied back saying he was going to make some calls. That lifted my spirits.  So an hour later his office coordinator calls and tells me that I have a plastic surgeon to put the expander in which I have to have in for 3 months and I can have any other surgeon to finish up the job.  I fell to my knees thanking God. I haven't felt the need to take the meds or even felt like crying.  I'm actually my happy positive self again and looking forward to getting this over with and start healing and moving on with my life. God keeps telling me to hold still and don't move until I say so.  Its hard when you are use to being the fixer in people's lives. Candy is doing as she is told...lol  .  There is no way you can convince me there is no God.  Look how he is working in my life.  I just have to HOLD STILL and LISTEN

Surgery :( :)

My surgery is scheduled for Feb 15, 2012. 7:30 am.  My life will change that day.  Last night I had another biopsy done cause my lymph nodes were inflamed and the Dr. is concerned that the cancer is draining there.  I find out tonight if it's cancer.  If so I can't have reconstruction right away even if I want it. I have been praying it's just an infection from the last biopsy. My brain is kinda numb it's like some crazy dream I can't wake up from. This is so hard to believe this is happening to me. But you know what.. I'm gonna find something to laugh about everyday, even if it just some pretty flowers to look at and smell.  My positive mind will be working overdrive.  This will not overtake me mentally!  So get ready world a crazier and stronger Candy is about to be unleashed!  Ok Now I need a superhero name..Hmmmmm.  So with my battle cry and superhero name...Cancer doesn't have a chance...lol  GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME!!!!!!!!!!

Long Day 2/2/2012

My tough shell is cracking. Yesterday is making everything real. I had to go apply for temp disability.  It was a bit crazy everybody...not everybody but it was a very trying time getting to the right person to help me.  I even burst into tears in the office but that's when they found somebody to help me.  He was very kind and understanding.He even had me laughing by the time I left his office.

I started taking the anti anxiety  meds the Dr. gave me.  I really thought I wouldn't need them but I feel like I'm on the verge of crying at any moment.   So don't walk up to me with bad breath, I just might burst into tears from the  smell....hehehe... maybe not that bad but close.   But don't tip toe around me.... if my breath is bad Please tell me.  please don't take me tears personal...They seem to run out my eyes on their own these days..lol  Goodness I was apologizing in the lady's office crying and telling her I'm ok.. I know I looked crazy..lol

It's funny I have never felt God around me more than I do now. Even when I have my private moments of falling apart He is there holding me letting me know that am ok and it's ok to feel the way I do. At times I feel kinda crazy.. I have been content, sad, depressed, silly, and even happy. I can't seem to feel anger.  I kinda feel like I can't get angry at God's plan.  Everything will work out in the end and then I will understand why I had to go  through this.  I have look at how my experiences in my past has prepared me to deal with what is happening now.  Goodness if this had happen five or ten years ago, I would have been a babbling mess...lol.  My relationship with God has taught me, things happens for a reason and He will NEVER leave me alone.  So with Matt on one side and God on the other and my kids around....I will conquer any battle that comes my way.  that's it.. I need a battle cry like in the movie Red Tails.... I gotta think on that 

My Faith

God did promise me that all I needed was surgery.  He has kept his promise.  Some people wonder how I can  stay so positive.  God promised me I will be ok but it will not be easy.  He also told me I will not die and I will not need chemo.  Well that is exactly what the Dr. told me.  God keeps his promises. I haven't asked why because I know God has his reasons and He has my best  interest at heart.  I truly believe that there is someone I am suppose to encounter and this is the only way for it to happen is for me to go through this journey. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle...well Lord you must have an awful lot of faith in me. So I have to have faith that what God tells me is the truth and He will keep me. My faith has not waned.  We might not like the journey God puts us on but He is with you the whole way and you will understand in the end.  I might not be able to quote scripture off the top of my head but I have the utmost unshakeable faith in God and He has never failed me.   1 Peter 4:12