Bottle of tamoxifen

As I drove tot he drug store yesterday, I wanted to cry. I was finally going to pick up my prescription of tamoxifen. Jay walked in the store with me, for some reason having him there with me helped.. I guess cause I won't cry in front of him. I stay strong for him. When they laid the bottle on the counter, I didn't want to pick it up. I just looked at it and then asked if I can get auto refill for it.  I will be on it everyday for the next couple of years at least. The pharmacist went to the computer asked my name, the asked which one.  i was like OMG I got to say this out loud.  It took a bit but I was able to say "tamoxifen". I heard the tone in her voice change a bit.  It seem to happens a lot when people find out you had breast cancer. I picked up the bag and just looked at it. This is really happening. I have to take this stuff.  Another reminder of this battle with cancer.

Jay asked me if I was ok while we were walking out the store... I had to straighten my face.  I told him I was fine. He hugged me and said OK.  He knew just what to do to put a smile on my face.  His hugs are magic. It was an instant reminder why I'm taking this medicine. When we got home, I immediately went online to look up  more info about tamoxifen.... best time to take it, how to minimize the side effects, are there any good side effects, and anything else I could find.  I did find out I can't eat grapefruit  :(  I really like grapefruit and I really shouldn't have caffeine :(  I like my coffee.. I NEED my coffee sometimes  :(  oh well.  To see the smile on my son's face is worth it. There were some other things but these stood out more right now...lol

So I took my first pill late last night. With much hesitation I did it. I didn't sleep much last night.  So much is going on, Nay graduating, Matt's dear grandmother passing, my daddy being sick, my house falling apart and needing to move because of a stinky landlord, needing to start some kind of therapy so the cancer won't come back, looking for a place to live. Helping Jay deal with his "birth father"  Did I say I need to pack up the house I just unpacked....  I'm holding on. I can tell you one thing.. God sure does have a lot of faith in me. All I can do is give God control... or I will be crazy...lol

I will survive!

Today is starting out good.  I haven't had pain meds for over 12 hours.  So thinga are healing well.  I still have the drainage tube..yuck!!!  can't get rid of that until next Tues.  That sucks big time cause it seems that most of my discomfort is from this tube in me.  I'm so ready to get back to a somewhat normal life. Like a shower...no even better a bubble bath.  If's funny God and I have more talks now that I have so much free time.  That is what keeps me focused.

I was watching a video on Facebook this morning that had me crying.  It was a group of breast cancer survivors dancing and singing the Gloria Gaynor song "I will survive"  I was surprised by my reaction.  I started listening to the words and felt that most of it applied to me.  I started crying because it hit me that I did survived,  I made it, and I will be just fine...  Now this is really funny.  I have been searching Facebook and can not find that post.  I just saw it this morning.  Well, when I find it I will post it.  It;s nothing fancy but it just hit home for me that I am one of them now.

My daughter will be going to Italy for Spring Break afterall.  She wanted to spend it with me but they couldn't find anybody to take her place and she would loose $3000 she paid for the trip. I told her I will be ok.  The scary part(the surgey) is over and I'm doing well.  She plans on spending every other weekend with me when she gets back.  I didn't realize how much I miss having her around until she left. My children have made me very proud on how they are dealing with everything.  Their strength is truly amazing.

Well still waiting for the pathology report. This is all in God's hands. 

My cousin found the video  http://youtu.be/MHXsU45HTck

This is soo HARD!!

Yesterday was a bad day.  I'm barely hanging on by a string.couldn't take my anti anxiety meds cause I has so much running around to do and I had to do laundry.  Have you ever NOT want to do something so bad it hurts, but know it needs to be done.  I need to do this in order to save my life. I DON"T WANT TO LOOSE MY BREAST. I don't want to have surgery, I don't want the pain .  I want my life back,  Even going back to my job is unsure because movement of my right arm will be limited for awhile.  I really don't know how long they can hold on to it for me. Nobody truly understands the pain that is so deep inside. This hurts, this whole thing hurts.  This is so unfair to my new husband and my kids.  I can't seem to stop crying... even tho making heart shape pancakes mad me smile this morning. Surgery tomorrow.I don't want it but I need it.  that sucks! I think yesterday is the hardest I cried since I found out about the cancer.  All this preparing is getting to me.  I wish God would use me to show the world a miracle. Right now I'm hurting so much inside.  I have to go for some injections today. So they can see if the cancer is trying to spread.. so if I don't answer your call and just text you please understand it's too hard to talk to anybody without getting upset and I don't want you to think it was you that upset me.  I guess I do need some counseling.  Right now is not a good time to ask "How are you doing?"  The answer is NOT GOOD.  I will probable write more later.

Surgery :( :)

My surgery is scheduled for Feb 15, 2012. 7:30 am.  My life will change that day.  Last night I had another biopsy done cause my lymph nodes were inflamed and the Dr. is concerned that the cancer is draining there.  I find out tonight if it's cancer.  If so I can't have reconstruction right away even if I want it. I have been praying it's just an infection from the last biopsy. My brain is kinda numb it's like some crazy dream I can't wake up from. This is so hard to believe this is happening to me. But you know what.. I'm gonna find something to laugh about everyday, even if it just some pretty flowers to look at and smell.  My positive mind will be working overdrive.  This will not overtake me mentally!  So get ready world a crazier and stronger Candy is about to be unleashed!  Ok Now I need a superhero name..Hmmmmm.  So with my battle cry and superhero name...Cancer doesn't have a chance...lol  GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME!!!!!!!!!!