Hold Still

The last couple of days have been tough.  I have been on the verge of tears most of the time.  I had a very hard time with not having a plastic surgeon to do the reconstruction surgery right away.  My brain just couldn't accept waking up to having nothing there.  I understand it is just a breast and the cancer had to go but the thought of nothing being there was sending me to a very dark place.  I have been taking the anti anxiety meds the Dr. gave me.  I felt myself needing them more and more.

Well the good news is that my lymph nodes are just inflamed from infection from the last biopsy.  So I'm happy about that. Now back to the reconstruction, my new cousin by marriage Lashawn, has gone thru this 2 years ago.  She has been such a wonderful support. She has called me almost every day to make sure I'm ok.  I told her where I was mentally.  She told me to FIGHT and FIGHT some more.  Cause I was just ready to let the surgery happen and deal with what came.  But Lashawn gave me her plastic surgeon's name.  I looked it up and email him.   He is the head plastic surgeon at another hospital. If I was having it at his hospital he would do it but he has obligations to where he is at now.  I understood.  He explained everything that will happen and encouraged me to stay with my current Dr. cause he is the best in what he does.  He left his personal number and offered to make some calls for me.  It was nice to know that I had a surgeon after the mastectomy but that didn't help me right now. I remember yelling out to God to help me cause this was getting real hard real fast.  All I heard was " I got you".  2 days later I was sitting in my car after I dropped Jayson at school and looked down at my breast and try to imagine it not being there.  I knew if I went thru with things as planned I will need some serious counseling afterwards. God told me to tell my Dr.  So I sent my Dr. an email describing how I was feeling. Less than an hour later he replied back saying he was going to make some calls. That lifted my spirits.  So an hour later his office coordinator calls and tells me that I have a plastic surgeon to put the expander in which I have to have in for 3 months and I can have any other surgeon to finish up the job.  I fell to my knees thanking God. I haven't felt the need to take the meds or even felt like crying.  I'm actually my happy positive self again and looking forward to getting this over with and start healing and moving on with my life. God keeps telling me to hold still and don't move until I say so.  Its hard when you are use to being the fixer in people's lives. Candy is doing as she is told...lol  .  There is no way you can convince me there is no God.  Look how he is working in my life.  I just have to HOLD STILL and LISTEN