This Weekend

Ok this is the weekend before my surgery.  My nerves are getting bad..It's getting harder to hide them.  Matt and Jay and I watched Bad Teacher last night...very funny movie..I need funny movies right now.  We bought a couple of things that I will need after surgery.. That started to get to me until my brother "ROB" called me (I repeat I don't call him that)..lol  His calls seem to come at the perfect time to make me laugh.  Jay is being wonderful too.  He is getting real good with rubbing my feet to help me relax.  Nay is going to spend the night with me at the hospital.  I have been really blessed me with these 2 great kids. I have been trying to keep my mind busy.  The fibromyalgia has me very tired these days.  My Dr. told me its normal considering the stress I'm under.  Oh I have been cleared for surgery.  My blood pressure finally lower. I still have to watch my diet.  I think I need to start those anti anxiety meds again.  As much as I don't like them, they probably help my blood pressure.

  I'm glad we have the women's session tonight Detox 2012, Agape Christian Center 4601 York Road, Baltimore, MD 21212 @ 7pm.   ok there's my plug...lol  It's easier when I can focus on helping others and not thinking about myself.  I'm gonna go get my toes done so I will at least have pretty feet.  I was going to get my hair done but changed my mind because I will sleep on pain meds for quite a bit so I'm gonna wait until after surgery. I plan on crocheting while I recover so be on the look out for some of my new creations. :)  Now I just need to get laundry done and clean my bedroom and buy some PJs then, I think I will have everything ready.. I guess as ready as I'm gonna be

WOW

I really messed up today.  I totally forgot my appointment with the plastic surgeon.  I thought my appointment was Friday but NOOOOOO it was today.  They called me at 12 asking me if I was coming the appointment was at 11:30am.  What got me was that they said they had no other time available for me to be seen before the surgery. Plus they block out an hour of time for the consultation. So I only had 30 min left to see her.  I was a basketcase on the drive to the office.  I prayed and prayed asking God to make this appointment work.  I couldn't handle if I messed this up.  Well I got there at 12:20.  I was scared that they were going to say it was to late to see me but they were very  very nice and understanding.  And God did his thing and the patient after me had to reschedule so she was able to spend the time needed.  This is starting to become very real.  We were sitting there talking about cutting off a part of me and replacing it with something else.  This whole thing is just crazy.  I don't want to go through with this but what choice do I have.  I must get this cancer out of me.  Its all through out my breast so they can't just remove the lumps.  This sucks! The closer the day comes the more I don't want to think about it.  Well at least I can keep my hair.  No chemo or radiation, so I have that going for me. I'm so ready to get this over with so I can put it in the past.  so I will be spending the next couple of days getting things ready for Wed. I will admit it is getting harder and harder the closer I get. I know I will be ok.  God promised me that.

02/07/2012

 8 days until my surgery.  I still have  a lot to do to make sure everything is ready.  I just want to make sure my guys (Matt & Jay) are taken care of properly until I'm back on my feet.  At least Matt and I get to spend Valentines Day together before the surgery. I had spent some time with my dad yesterday..Funny  at 41 I still need that comfort of daddy time.  This whole thing still seem so unreal.  I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see a sick person.. My brain just can't seem to understand it.  The anxiety about the surgery is slowly starting to hit me. I go for my pre op physical today.  I haven't seen this Dr. since my diagnosis.  I have been seeing her for a couple of years..She will probably be shocked.  The fibromyalgia is starting to kick in.  This should be real interesting how my body reacts after surgery.  Well I'm only thinking good thoughts.  For some reason I just can't get mad.  I'm scared and nervous and feel it's unfair and I don't want this,  This is not fair to my new husband.  We are suppose to be growing our family, not fighting cancer! God has His reason. I must accept it even if I don't understand.  Really, what other choice do I have?

Thank You

Waking up feeling good today.  I want to thank my wonderful husband Matthew for loving me so much thru this and reminding me I'm beautiful no matter what happens. He has been so understanding on my bad days and he does what ever it takes to put a smile on my face (which is not hard for him to do). I also want to thank my kids, Chardiney and Jayson. They are so strong and supportive, They keep me laughing and make me fight harder. Talk about keeping me laughing, my brother Rob( not the name I call him lol),  had me laughing the day I got the news about the cancer.  No matter what bad news I call him with he finds some way to have me laughing before I get off the phone.  Thank you  for being such a great brother.  I want to thank Lashawn, my new cousin by marriage, for being by my side and helping me understand  and FIGHT this cancer.  The toughest part is yet to come. I know with all the love,support and prayers from everybody, my family and I will be just fine.. I thank you.  All the encouraging words and prayers have given me strength. Please continue to send them.  Just a side note.. I don't know how people get addicted to anti anxiety meds...when I take half a pill, Jay and Matt laugh at me cause they say I am moving in slow motion.Yes I do have to think harder when I take them but they will sit there and laugh at me...lol.  When I take a whole pill the world seems to slow down until I pass out sleep...lol  I can't take those things all the time.. but they were helpful when needed...lol.  This will be something we will be able to look back and laugh about.  Well, we laugh about it now  ....lol   Laughter is the BEST medicine and my family is full of that..hehe

Hold Still

The last couple of days have been tough.  I have been on the verge of tears most of the time.  I had a very hard time with not having a plastic surgeon to do the reconstruction surgery right away.  My brain just couldn't accept waking up to having nothing there.  I understand it is just a breast and the cancer had to go but the thought of nothing being there was sending me to a very dark place.  I have been taking the anti anxiety meds the Dr. gave me.  I felt myself needing them more and more.

Well the good news is that my lymph nodes are just inflamed from infection from the last biopsy.  So I'm happy about that. Now back to the reconstruction, my new cousin by marriage Lashawn, has gone thru this 2 years ago.  She has been such a wonderful support. She has called me almost every day to make sure I'm ok.  I told her where I was mentally.  She told me to FIGHT and FIGHT some more.  Cause I was just ready to let the surgery happen and deal with what came.  But Lashawn gave me her plastic surgeon's name.  I looked it up and email him.   He is the head plastic surgeon at another hospital. If I was having it at his hospital he would do it but he has obligations to where he is at now.  I understood.  He explained everything that will happen and encouraged me to stay with my current Dr. cause he is the best in what he does.  He left his personal number and offered to make some calls for me.  It was nice to know that I had a surgeon after the mastectomy but that didn't help me right now. I remember yelling out to God to help me cause this was getting real hard real fast.  All I heard was " I got you".  2 days later I was sitting in my car after I dropped Jayson at school and looked down at my breast and try to imagine it not being there.  I knew if I went thru with things as planned I will need some serious counseling afterwards. God told me to tell my Dr.  So I sent my Dr. an email describing how I was feeling. Less than an hour later he replied back saying he was going to make some calls. That lifted my spirits.  So an hour later his office coordinator calls and tells me that I have a plastic surgeon to put the expander in which I have to have in for 3 months and I can have any other surgeon to finish up the job.  I fell to my knees thanking God. I haven't felt the need to take the meds or even felt like crying.  I'm actually my happy positive self again and looking forward to getting this over with and start healing and moving on with my life. God keeps telling me to hold still and don't move until I say so.  Its hard when you are use to being the fixer in people's lives. Candy is doing as she is told...lol  .  There is no way you can convince me there is no God.  Look how he is working in my life.  I just have to HOLD STILL and LISTEN

Surgery :( :)

My surgery is scheduled for Feb 15, 2012. 7:30 am.  My life will change that day.  Last night I had another biopsy done cause my lymph nodes were inflamed and the Dr. is concerned that the cancer is draining there.  I find out tonight if it's cancer.  If so I can't have reconstruction right away even if I want it. I have been praying it's just an infection from the last biopsy. My brain is kinda numb it's like some crazy dream I can't wake up from. This is so hard to believe this is happening to me. But you know what.. I'm gonna find something to laugh about everyday, even if it just some pretty flowers to look at and smell.  My positive mind will be working overdrive.  This will not overtake me mentally!  So get ready world a crazier and stronger Candy is about to be unleashed!  Ok Now I need a superhero name..Hmmmmm.  So with my battle cry and superhero name...Cancer doesn't have a chance...lol  GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME!!!!!!!!!!

Long Day 2/2/2012

My tough shell is cracking. Yesterday is making everything real. I had to go apply for temp disability.  It was a bit crazy everybody...not everybody but it was a very trying time getting to the right person to help me.  I even burst into tears in the office but that's when they found somebody to help me.  He was very kind and understanding.He even had me laughing by the time I left his office.

I started taking the anti anxiety  meds the Dr. gave me.  I really thought I wouldn't need them but I feel like I'm on the verge of crying at any moment.   So don't walk up to me with bad breath, I just might burst into tears from the  smell....hehehe... maybe not that bad but close.   But don't tip toe around me.... if my breath is bad Please tell me.  please don't take me tears personal...They seem to run out my eyes on their own these days..lol  Goodness I was apologizing in the lady's office crying and telling her I'm ok.. I know I looked crazy..lol

It's funny I have never felt God around me more than I do now. Even when I have my private moments of falling apart He is there holding me letting me know that am ok and it's ok to feel the way I do. At times I feel kinda crazy.. I have been content, sad, depressed, silly, and even happy. I can't seem to feel anger.  I kinda feel like I can't get angry at God's plan.  Everything will work out in the end and then I will understand why I had to go  through this.  I have look at how my experiences in my past has prepared me to deal with what is happening now.  Goodness if this had happen five or ten years ago, I would have been a babbling mess...lol.  My relationship with God has taught me, things happens for a reason and He will NEVER leave me alone.  So with Matt on one side and God on the other and my kids around....I will conquer any battle that comes my way.  that's it.. I need a battle cry like in the movie Red Tails.... I gotta think on that