Koman race for a cure

I was sitting here watching the news coverage of the Koman Race and I started to get sad.  I realize that I really wanted to be there with the other cancer survivors.  I kinda feel that I need to be around that energy. It was great seeing my breast surgeon  being interviewed on TV.. Dr. Schultz from the St. Joseph Breast Center.  Those guys are great and I thank God for Dr. Schultz.  He made this whole process easier.  I also found out he sits on the board of the Koman foundation..... super cool.

My goal for next years is to run or walk as many races as my body allow.  I want more women to understand early detection is a major factor in surviving breast cancer.  I truly believe because my cancer was caught so early is why I have had an easier time with treatment than others.  So I'm looking forward to my body healing so I can start training.

Menopause

This whole menopause thing is interesting.  I have been thrown in what is called Surgical Menopause.  So my hormones have been snatched away completely so my body is adjusting and depleting what I had left in my system.  Since I was on Tamoxifen my body was somewhat adjusting to lower estrogen and I was having some menopause symptoms.  I had some hot flashes before but NOW this mess is crazy.. one moment I burning up sweating and the next I am freezing.  I am constantly taking clothes off and putting them on.  I carry my breast cancer blanket around cause I get cold quick. I haven't had any real mood swings.  I really don't feel either way.  Tamoxifen made me want to fight and I angered easily.  I don't feel that way anymore ( good thing for those nurses at the hospital) .  Now I do tear up easily. So sad movies even sad news stories get to me... I find it kinda funny because I know why I'm so teary eyed.

This is a new phase in my life. It's different.  It's taking some time getting use to my new body.  It feels different and looks different but in time it will be better than it was before.  I am looking forward to working out maybe start running like my lil sister. She is doing marathons..maybe someday we can run one together. I heard exercise really help menopause symptoms. I can't wait to get clearance from my dr. In time I will be "normal " again.  Well normal for me...lol

Healing

Well I have to go to my primary care physician to have my blood levels monitored for the coumadin. I did that last Friday.  Then had a post op appointment with my surgeon on Tuesday.  I have lost 15lb since the surgery, mostly due to the "Sinai Diet Plan" ( that tube in my nose and throat).   My Dr. visit went well, he said that I am healing very well and the removed the staples.... YAYYYYY  I don't have to see him for another 2 week but I have to have my blood levels checked every week.

Steps are easier to manage.  I asked my daddy to take me to the store, 1 to get out the house and 2 I did need a couple of things.  I really thought I could handle it.  I never realized pushing a cart was so much work.... So Jay took over there.  And the Safeway is a BIG store when your stomach is sore.  So I was in bed for rest of the day after that trip.  I really see now that I am going to have to take it slow.  My mind is thinking one thing but my body is saying "yeah right".  I'm not going to push it. I am NOT going back to the hospital!!!

I was really hoping to go hang out at the Breast Cancer walk on Sunday but I am thinking it might be too much for me right now. I got to listen to my body.  It has gone thru some major changes in the last 10 months. I have to give it time to heal so I can be my best in the end.

2 weeks

The last 2 weeks of my life has been a real eye opener.  What I went thru I couldn't have never imagine happening to me.  Breast cancer was a breeze compared to the last 2 week.  As you know I had a total hysterectomy on 9/19/2012.  The morning after I was feeling good as you can see from the first pic. But in a matter of hours I went downhill and down hill fast. My blood pressure had dropped very very low and the oxygen level in my blood was very low, so every time I got out of bed I felt horrible. I was told I had a hematoma.  My hand started to swell from the IV so it was moved up my arm until it was at the bend of my elbow, my arm continued to swell.  Because of the breast cancer they can't use my right arm for anything. I ended up having the iv put into my neck.  Now for for the tube in my nose to my stomach.  I didn't eat for almost 2 weeks during that time but my stomach continued to collect bile.  That caused me a lot of pain so the tube had to be put in to drain the bile.  As you can see from pic 2 I was not a happy camper.   I tell ya God and I had a lot of conversations during these past 2 weeks.  With that tube in my throat it was painful to talk, even tho I still did at times...lol  Now during this whole time I found out I had pneumonia, even had one night they thought I had a heart attack.  Thankfully there was no muscle damage. I was transferred to 6 different rooms I think.

 Because every time something majored happened I was sent to Immediate Care Unit. Now since I was not able to get up and walk around I ended up with a blood clot in my leg.  So that had me in the hospital for 4 extra days trying to get my blood levels right.  I have to be on coumadin for the next 3 months and be careful.  This should be interesting cause I am accident prone..lol. My last couple of days in the hospital I was starting to break down.  I was missing my husband so much( even tho he was there everyday) and my kids that is was really starting to hurt.  I was sick of people waking me up every couple of minutes asking for my blood pressure, asking if I had a bowel movement ( I think about 5 different people ask me this a day) I just wanted to yell "LEAVE ME ALONE".  You know it's bad when I got excited for meal time.

I look at my life different now.. I see my place in this world different. I heard something while in the hospital ( don't remember where cause I was pretty drugged up)  I wasn't living my life I was just existing.   I don't want to just exist anymore. Laying in that bed not able to do much ... I was just existing.  I don't want that for my life anymore.  I have been told by several people through out my life that I should write a book.  Nay said she would help me.  Once I am all healed there are other ventures I plan on perusing.

I could have never imagine fighting so hard to get well.  Just wanting to feel normal, not be so tired, not hurt, look at pizza and not feel nauseous. 2012 has been the year to rebuilding my body. I know God has big plans for me and I need to be at my best. After 2012 I will be able to become that woman.  So for now I am resting and letting my body heal, and letting the drugs get out of my system  and getting healthy for my next level.

Waiting for surgery

See how big my belly became..... Ugg

Surgery Day

So I'm sitting here in the dark.  It's a couples of hours before I loose my "girlie parts".  I'm not worried.  God  got this. I know I will be ok.  I took a nice long hot shower.  Not sure when I will be able to do that anytime soon..lol   and I did shave my legs. That was the one thing I wanted to do so bad after my mastectomy and had to wait weeks to do it.

I am so looking forward to feeling better.  I know the doctors will be checking if cancer is anywhere else. I'm not worried... God got this. With God by my side, I have healed from my surgeries very well.  I'm just tired of being cut up on.  Well this is something that has to be done, I'm tired of looking pregnant.  And if I didn't know any better it looks like it is getting bigger and bigger every week. I'm going to do a before and after pic later this morning. After all this is said and done I just might get my 20 maybe 30 year old body back ( I have to admit, I did look good back then..lol)

I am happy my husband and kids will be there with me.  Nay came down last night.  She is going to stay with me while I'm in the hospital.  She is good at making sure those nurses do what they suppose to do...lol .

Well, I have to go finish getting things ready to go to the hospital.  I will stay in touch.

Surgery

I got the news on 9/11 that I have to have a complete hysterectomy next Wed.  I also found out that because of the size of my uterus ( size of someone 5 to 6 months preggo) and how fast it grew it has cause other issues inside of me(part of it from the tamoxifen) that's why I need surgery so soon.  He is moving other people out the way to fit me in. 

Dr. Miller is great.  He was very very thorough with telling me all my options and the pros and cons of everything and the effect it will have on my body. He explained everything that is going on inside..... and there is alot happening in there, much more than I knew. 

I was very disappointed with the news of the hysterectomy.  I understand why I need it and I welcome feeling better. Plus it will improve the chances of the cancer not coming back even more. It's just not what I wanted.  It eliminates any chance of having a child with my husband.  It still hurts when I sit and think about it. That was something I wanted to really share with him.  I am thankful for the 3 children I do have.  I think it is awesome that my lil Dylan looks like me even tho I didn't give birth to him. :) .

For many many years I wouldn't follow God's plan for me.  Thinking I knew what was best or what I can do better.  In Aug of 1997 God forced me on his plan.  It wasn't easy and it wasn't painless but I am so glad He did it.  See I get these ideas in my head and God has a way of letting me know that is not what He has planned for me.  Like right after I got the news it took me an hour to get home(normally 30 min trip)  I had time to process what I was told.  I was still in shock but God had time for me to hear Him and I understood why a little better.  I don't like it but I understand. Ohhhh yea.. Now the day I find out this news, that night my phone dies.  The one time I put my phone in Dylan's diaper bag, his sippy cup leaks on my phone.  I didn't get a new phone until noon the next day.  It was weird sitting in the house not talking to somebody about what was happening.  Then I realized that God wanted me to think and plan this out and I wouldn't have been able to if I was on the phone so much.

I'm not upset anymore. I am content with what has to be done.  See during my quiet time yesterday I thought about the positive ..... I won't have a period anymore!!! YAYYYYYYY.  He said that I won't feel much different than I do now on tamoxifen. I can handle that. NO MORE PMS!!!!!!!!  and I suffered and my family did also...lol    I will save money on feminine products..Thank the Lord.... I will loose weight getting rid of my preggo stomach.  I will feel better in general.  I haven't felt really well in years. So I am looking forward to being able to be "normal" again. Goodness the fibromyalgia has been a cake walk compared to this mess I have been dealing with lately....lol

In general I will be a much healthier person after this surgery.  Yes I am very tired of being cut on and I will have a new scar but they will be my battle scars, my survivor scars.  They are proof of the things I have overcame.  Some of them have made me sad and some have made me happy ( the boob job...lol)  But all of them have made me better and stronger.