Tuesday, February 28, 2012


The Dr. called me last night with the pathology report.  I had 2 tumors, the 1st was a stage 0 DCIS tumor. Pretty much meaning it was 1cm or smaller in found in my milk ducts. The 2nd  was a stage 1(the mammogram found this one) invasive tumor, this one was a little over 2cm in size.  Both are fed by estrogen.  So with all that said there is another test I have to have done.  Its called OncotypeDX.  Because my cancer was found so early and it did not spread to lymph nodes and its estrogen fed, I qualify for the test.  This test determines the probability of the cancer coming back.. There is a score from 0 to 100 the lower the score, the less  chance of recurrence.  A score of 0 to 8  no need for chem.  9 -30 need to consider possibility of needing chemo, 31 and above I really need to consider chemo.  So I have to wait another 2 weeks for those results. God is truly teaching me patience...lol  So I won't know how I am going to be treated for another 2 weeks. I guess that's good with everything not hitting me all at once. I just kinda feel its just dragging out longer. Oh well like I have said before this is God's plan and I can't rush Him, so I will just sit back and enjoy the ride because God is in control and He keeps telling me "I GOT YOU"


I saw this video and it made me cry cause my husband has been reminding me everyday since we found out I have cancer that he loves me and he is not going anywhere.  He loves the person I am and tells me everyday that I'm beautiful no matter how crazy I look...and I know I have had some rough days.  I can't imagine going thru this without him.  We have been holding each other up as a team should.  I love him so much there are no words to express the depth of my love for him.  I just want you and the world to know I love and appreciate and adore you. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband!!!!

Monday, February 27, 2012

I will survive!

Today is starting out good.  I haven't had pain meds for over 12 hours.  So thinga are healing well.  I still have the drainage tube..yuck!!!  can't get rid of that until next Tues.  That sucks big time cause it seems that most of my discomfort is from this tube in me.  I'm so ready to get back to a somewhat normal life. Like a shower...no even better a bubble bath.  If's funny God and I have more talks now that I have so much free time.  That is what keeps me focused.

I was watching a video on Facebook this morning that had me crying.  It was a group of breast cancer survivors dancing and singing the Gloria Gaynor song "I will survive"  I was surprised by my reaction.  I started listening to the words and felt that most of it applied to me.  I started crying because it hit me that I did survived,  I made it, and I will be just fine...  Now this is really funny.  I have been searching Facebook and can not find that post.  I just saw it this morning.  Well, when I find it I will post it.  It;s nothing fancy but it just hit home for me that I am one of them now.

My daughter will be going to Italy for Spring Break afterall.  She wanted to spend it with me but they couldn't find anybody to take her place and she would loose $3000 she paid for the trip. I told her I will be ok.  The scary part(the surgey) is over and I'm doing well.  She plans on spending every other weekend with me when she gets back.  I didn't realize how much I miss having her around until she left. My children have made me very proud on how they are dealing with everything.  Their strength is truly amazing.

Well still waiting for the pathology report. This is all in God's hands. 

My cousin found the video  http://youtu.be/MHXsU45HTck

Friday, February 24, 2012


And I'm still stuck in the house...lol  Anybody that knows me know I must have been real bored to take a pic of myself and post it.  (I HATE taking pictures).  I'm feeling much better today.  Taking less pain meds..YAYYYY  I'm just so ready to get rid of this drainage tube from my side.  As soon as I get this tube out I'm making some fresh collard greens.  I have been craving them for the last couple of days.  Oh yeah I want a chocolate cake too.. Yeah I will make one of those too.  I will still have to take it easy but not have to sit as still soo much.  I really love my chair but I miss the outside world.  Plus I think I have caught up on all the miss sleep I had before the surgery.  I am so ready to heal and get this expander pumped up and be on with my life...lol  I know it's not that easy but I can act like it until otherwise...lol   I guess with me not sleeping as much my days seem so much longer.  Maybe I'll start some kind of online business I can run from my chair...hmmmmm.  I can't wait until I can sew again.  I got some ideas of suits I want to make.  I will be praying I ca get this tube out on Tuesday. I know I'm changing subjects and I'm all over the place...but that happens when you sit in the house alone with a TV and computer to keep me company...lol  I'm gonna think up some kind of business to start.  Oh ..still haven't heard back on the pathology report yet.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

1 week later

It has been one week since my surgery.  How do I feel?  Good question.  I looked at myself in the mirror this morning.  I dunno, I didn't really feel any certain way.  I wasn't sad or mad,  just felt nothing.  Maybe because I know this is a process and before long I will look and feel normal again. I feel better than yesterday. Adjusting to my new body.  I'm so ready to workout, zumba or something. I know in time.

I had a dream the other day that I woke up and had both my breast and no cancer in my body.  This whole cancer thing was a dream.  It is still hard to believe sometimes.  I look at myself and wonder "did this really happen".  I don't feel like I'm living my life.  It gets really weird if you think about it too much.

I had a great talk with Nay(my daughter) this morning.  It feels good when you know that your child really appreciates everything you have done for them and they give you credit for who they have become.  My NayNay monster has grown up to be a fab young woman.  I miss having her around even tho we talk several times a day...lol    Hopefully I will hear something back about the pathology report today.  I'm ready to get moving on this.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

My Edible Arrangement


Today is the worst I have felt.  The numbness of the surgery is wearing off and my right side feel like it was a punching bag for the heavy weight champ...lol  Maybe not that bad but close. This is also the most tired I have felt too.  This sucks.  Good thing my deodorant is working good cause I just don't have the energy to wash up this morning...  maybe later after lunch.

I'm gonna post a pic of what is left of my Edible Arrangement.  The fruit is soooo good.   Miss Sylvia is so sweet. I'm crocheting a shawl to wear. 1 reason is I need something to do and 2 I am somewhat self conscious of being loop sided. I just realized I am really rambling in this post...lol  I guess that happens when you blog after taking pain killers...lol  oh well.  I'm gonna go take a nap

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

1st DR. appointment

Today was my 1st appointment with the plastic surgeon since the surgery.  I'm not feel that great cause of some swelling under my arm.  Everything else is healing well but she had me go over to my other Dr. office so he can see if the swelling is from fluid building up.  uggggg.  Well they did an ultrasound and found no fluid.  He said it was probably inflammation and put me on an anti inflammatory.  I hope this stuff works fast.My arm hurts and I can rest it comfortably any way.    My daddy was great driving me to each doctors' offices and picking up meds from the drug store.  I was very tired by the time I made it back home but it still was nice to go outside.  Still haven't gotten the pathology report back.  I hate waiting.  Something good did happen.  I can home to an Edible Creation waiting for me.  My old boss from Jackson Hewitt sent it to me.  Miss Sylvia is so great.  I do miss working with her.  I still have this stupid drainage tube connected to me.  I'm praying I can get it removed by next Tuesday.  I can't do anything until it's gone.  I want a hot shower soooo bad!!!!!  I'm tired of being tired.  I want to exercise.  I guess I have to be patient.... what choice do I really have..lol 

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Thank You God!!

It's Sunday February 19, 2012.  I want to Thank God for being there with me during this whole surgery thing and staying by my side during my recovery. My pain is easing up.. Soo BIG YAYYYY!!! for that..lol  I'm still taking it easy.  My fabo husband bought me this great soft, comfy recliner so it makes it easier for me to stay still..lol  I got some of the best sleep in this chair yesterday since the surgery.  Matt  is so wonderful and good to me.  Thank you God for him.
God has help me get into a good mental place.  I was really scared how I would feel after the surgery.  I thought I would be depressed and sad and crying.  I don't feel any of that.  I am a little self conscious of the unevenness of my breast but I am content.  I'm happy the surgery part is over. Mentally, I am in a good place.  God has put peace in my heart.  When you trust God, He makes everything so much easier to deal with.  This whole thing was getting to hard to handle and I had to hand it over to God.  As He promised He took care of it.  It's funny cause God kept telling me "I Got You".  That is all He was saying in the days up to my surgery. I know I still have more road to travel on the journey, I'm not worried God is traveling with me.

Saturday, February 18, 2012


Well everything is going well.  I'm a little sad that my daughter Nay had to leave but having her here to take care of me was great.  She did yell at me to stay still.. I think she enjoyed fussing me ...lol.  I moved around too much yesterday and tried to get up this morning and felt the most horrible pain.. So I will be moving a lot less today.  It's just weird for me to have others waiting on me.  My husband is being so wonderful.  He was up all night just to make sure I don't miss my pain meds.  I just love him so much.  He fussed at me to for moving around too much...lol  I took a look at myself yesterday.  It didn't upset me like I thought.  Now I am loop-sided but in a couple of months I will be just about even again.  Mentally I'm doing so much better.  God did tell me I will be alright. Now I'm just waiting for the pathology report.  I'm not worried about that either.  This part has been easier than I thought it would be.  so people had me so worried how I would feel after the surgery.  I was told I would be in soooo much pain and not going to be able to move much.  Well God has his hand on me and I feel great.(as long as I stay on top of the pain meds..lol)  I'm able to crochet and do my own hair ..I know the only thing that will drive me crazy is being stuck in the house.  But I'm resting and healing and I have cute pajamas.  I am a proud Breast Cancer Survivor! I can honestly say God has been by my side the whole way  :)


me and my great son Jay. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Day after surgery

Ok it's the day after surgery.  I am feeling better than I thought I would.  My daughter stayed overnight with me.  She is taking very good care of me.  They took the IV off early this morning, so I have more freedom. You know what's funny, the nurse kept wanting me to pass gas... it's funny to tell some stranger that "yeah i passed gas today"...lol   Good thing i didn't get my hair done.. I would have sweated out the style and be mad for wasting the money.  So that's on my todo list when I up to it.  Nay and I took a walk around for a little bit. I got to put on my cute Minnie Mouse pajama pants.  I'm loving my pain pills...lol  God kept his promise and I am doing well.  My surgeon came by and told me my lymph were negative..YAYYYYYYYYYY.  THANK YOU for all the prayers and good vibes sent my way. They worked,  I still feel weak but will be getting stronger and stronger everyday.  Now I'm just hoping I can go home today *crossing fingers*

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

This is soo HARD!!

Yesterday was a bad day.  I'm barely hanging on by a string.couldn't take my anti anxiety meds cause I has so much running around to do and I had to do laundry.  Have you ever NOT want to do something so bad it hurts, but know it needs to be done.  I need to do this in order to save my life. I DON"T WANT TO LOOSE MY BREAST. I don't want to have surgery, I don't want the pain .  I want my life back,  Even going back to my job is unsure because movement of my right arm will be limited for awhile.  I really don't know how long they can hold on to it for me. Nobody truly understands the pain that is so deep inside. This hurts, this whole thing hurts.  This is so unfair to my new husband and my kids.  I can't seem to stop crying... even tho making heart shape pancakes mad me smile this morning. Surgery tomorrow.I don't want it but I need it.  that sucks! I think yesterday is the hardest I cried since I found out about the cancer.  All this preparing is getting to me.  I wish God would use me to show the world a miracle. Right now I'm hurting so much inside.  I have to go for some injections today. So they can see if the cancer is trying to spread.. so if I don't answer your call and just text you please understand it's too hard to talk to anybody without getting upset and I don't want you to think it was you that upset me.  I guess I do need some counseling.  Right now is not a good time to ask "How are you doing?"  The answer is NOT GOOD.  I will probable write more later.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

This Weekend

Ok this is the weekend before my surgery.  My nerves are getting bad..It's getting harder to hide them.  Matt and Jay and I watched Bad Teacher last night...very funny movie..I need funny movies right now.  We bought a couple of things that I will need after surgery.. That started to get to me until my brother "ROB" called me (I repeat I don't call him that)..lol  His calls seem to come at the perfect time to make me laugh.  Jay is being wonderful too.  He is getting real good with rubbing my feet to help me relax.  Nay is going to spend the night with me at the hospital.  I have been really blessed me with these 2 great kids. I have been trying to keep my mind busy.  The fibromyalgia has me very tired these days.  My Dr. told me its normal considering the stress I'm under.  Oh I have been cleared for surgery.  My blood pressure finally lower. I still have to watch my diet.  I think I need to start those anti anxiety meds again.  As much as I don't like them, they probably help my blood pressure.

  I'm glad we have the women's session tonight Detox 2012, Agape Christian Center 4601 York Road, Baltimore, MD 21212 @ 7pm.   ok there's my plug...lol  It's easier when I can focus on helping others and not thinking about myself.  I'm gonna go get my toes done so I will at least have pretty feet.  I was going to get my hair done but changed my mind because I will sleep on pain meds for quite a bit so I'm gonna wait until after surgery. I plan on crocheting while I recover so be on the look out for some of my new creations. :)  Now I just need to get laundry done and clean my bedroom and buy some PJs then, I think I will have everything ready.. I guess as ready as I'm gonna be

Thursday, February 9, 2012


I really messed up today.  I totally forgot my appointment with the plastic surgeon.  I thought my appointment was Friday but NOOOOOO it was today.  They called me at 12 asking me if I was coming the appointment was at 11:30am.  What got me was that they said they had no other time available for me to be seen before the surgery. Plus they block out an hour of time for the consultation. So I only had 30 min left to see her.  I was a basketcase on the drive to the office.  I prayed and prayed asking God to make this appointment work.  I couldn't handle if I messed this up.  Well I got there at 12:20.  I was scared that they were going to say it was to late to see me but they were very  very nice and understanding.  And God did his thing and the patient after me had to reschedule so she was able to spend the time needed.  This is starting to become very real.  We were sitting there talking about cutting off a part of me and replacing it with something else.  This whole thing is just crazy.  I don't want to go through with this but what choice do I have.  I must get this cancer out of me.  Its all through out my breast so they can't just remove the lumps.  This sucks! The closer the day comes the more I don't want to think about it.  Well at least I can keep my hair.  No chemo or radiation, so I have that going for me. I'm so ready to get this over with so I can put it in the past.  so I will be spending the next couple of days getting things ready for Wed. I will admit it is getting harder and harder the closer I get. I know I will be ok.  God promised me that.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


 8 days until my surgery.  I still have  a lot to do to make sure everything is ready.  I just want to make sure my guys (Matt & Jay) are taken care of properly until I'm back on my feet.  At least Matt and I get to spend Valentines Day together before the surgery. I had spent some time with my dad yesterday..Funny  at 41 I still need that comfort of daddy time.  This whole thing still seem so unreal.  I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see a sick person.. My brain just can't seem to understand it.  The anxiety about the surgery is slowly starting to hit me. I go for my pre op physical today.  I haven't seen this Dr. since my diagnosis.  I have been seeing her for a couple of years..She will probably be shocked.  The fibromyalgia is starting to kick in.  This should be real interesting how my body reacts after surgery.  Well I'm only thinking good thoughts.  For some reason I just can't get mad.  I'm scared and nervous and feel it's unfair and I don't want this,  This is not fair to my new husband.  We are suppose to be growing our family, not fighting cancer! God has His reason. I must accept it even if I don't understand.  Really, what other choice do I have?

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Thank You

Waking up feeling good today.  I want to thank my wonderful husband Matthew for loving me so much thru this and reminding me I'm beautiful no matter what happens. He has been so understanding on my bad days and he does what ever it takes to put a smile on my face (which is not hard for him to do). I also want to thank my kids, Chardiney and Jayson. They are so strong and supportive, They keep me laughing and make me fight harder. Talk about keeping me laughing, my brother Rob( not the name I call him lol),  had me laughing the day I got the news about the cancer.  No matter what bad news I call him with he finds some way to have me laughing before I get off the phone.  Thank you  for being such a great brother.  I want to thank Lashawn, my new cousin by marriage, for being by my side and helping me understand  and FIGHT this cancer.  The toughest part is yet to come. I know with all the love,support and prayers from everybody, my family and I will be just fine.. I thank you.  All the encouraging words and prayers have given me strength. Please continue to send them.  Just a side note.. I don't know how people get addicted to anti anxiety meds...when I take half a pill, Jay and Matt laugh at me cause they say I am moving in slow motion.Yes I do have to think harder when I take them but they will sit there and laugh at me...lol.  When I take a whole pill the world seems to slow down until I pass out sleep...lol  I can't take those things all the time.. but they were helpful when needed...lol.  This will be something we will be able to look back and laugh about.  Well, we laugh about it now  ....lol   Laughter is the BEST medicine and my family is full of that..hehe

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Hold Still

The last couple of days have been tough.  I have been on the verge of tears most of the time.  I had a very hard time with not having a plastic surgeon to do the reconstruction surgery right away.  My brain just couldn't accept waking up to having nothing there.  I understand it is just a breast and the cancer had to go but the thought of nothing being there was sending me to a very dark place.  I have been taking the anti anxiety meds the Dr. gave me.  I felt myself needing them more and more.

Well the good news is that my lymph nodes are just inflamed from infection from the last biopsy.  So I'm happy about that. Now back to the reconstruction, my new cousin by marriage Lashawn, has gone thru this 2 years ago.  She has been such a wonderful support. She has called me almost every day to make sure I'm ok.  I told her where I was mentally.  She told me to FIGHT and FIGHT some more.  Cause I was just ready to let the surgery happen and deal with what came.  But Lashawn gave me her plastic surgeon's name.  I looked it up and email him.   He is the head plastic surgeon at another hospital. If I was having it at his hospital he would do it but he has obligations to where he is at now.  I understood.  He explained everything that will happen and encouraged me to stay with my current Dr. cause he is the best in what he does.  He left his personal number and offered to make some calls for me.  It was nice to know that I had a surgeon after the mastectomy but that didn't help me right now. I remember yelling out to God to help me cause this was getting real hard real fast.  All I heard was " I got you".  2 days later I was sitting in my car after I dropped Jayson at school and looked down at my breast and try to imagine it not being there.  I knew if I went thru with things as planned I will need some serious counseling afterwards. God told me to tell my Dr.  So I sent my Dr. an email describing how I was feeling. Less than an hour later he replied back saying he was going to make some calls. That lifted my spirits.  So an hour later his office coordinator calls and tells me that I have a plastic surgeon to put the expander in which I have to have in for 3 months and I can have any other surgeon to finish up the job.  I fell to my knees thanking God. I haven't felt the need to take the meds or even felt like crying.  I'm actually my happy positive self again and looking forward to getting this over with and start healing and moving on with my life. God keeps telling me to hold still and don't move until I say so.  Its hard when you are use to being the fixer in people's lives. Candy is doing as she is told...lol  .  There is no way you can convince me there is no God.  Look how he is working in my life.  I just have to HOLD STILL and LISTEN

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Surgery :( :)

My surgery is scheduled for Feb 15, 2012. 7:30 am.  My life will change that day.  Last night I had another biopsy done cause my lymph nodes were inflamed and the Dr. is concerned that the cancer is draining there.  I find out tonight if it's cancer.  If so I can't have reconstruction right away even if I want it. I have been praying it's just an infection from the last biopsy. My brain is kinda numb it's like some crazy dream I can't wake up from. This is so hard to believe this is happening to me. But you know what.. I'm gonna find something to laugh about everyday, even if it just some pretty flowers to look at and smell.  My positive mind will be working overdrive.  This will not overtake me mentally!  So get ready world a crazier and stronger Candy is about to be unleashed!  Ok Now I need a superhero name..Hmmmmm.  So with my battle cry and superhero name...Cancer doesn't have a chance...lol  GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME!!!!!!!!!!

Long Day 2/2/2012

My tough shell is cracking. Yesterday is making everything real. I had to go apply for temp disability.  It was a bit crazy everybody...not everybody but it was a very trying time getting to the right person to help me.  I even burst into tears in the office but that's when they found somebody to help me.  He was very kind and understanding.He even had me laughing by the time I left his office.

I started taking the anti anxiety  meds the Dr. gave me.  I really thought I wouldn't need them but I feel like I'm on the verge of crying at any moment.   So don't walk up to me with bad breath, I just might burst into tears from the  smell....hehehe... maybe not that bad but close.   But don't tip toe around me.... if my breath is bad Please tell me.  please don't take me tears personal...They seem to run out my eyes on their own these days..lol  Goodness I was apologizing in the lady's office crying and telling her I'm ok.. I know I looked crazy..lol

It's funny I have never felt God around me more than I do now. Even when I have my private moments of falling apart He is there holding me letting me know that am ok and it's ok to feel the way I do. At times I feel kinda crazy.. I have been content, sad, depressed, silly, and even happy. I can't seem to feel anger.  I kinda feel like I can't get angry at God's plan.  Everything will work out in the end and then I will understand why I had to go  through this.  I have look at how my experiences in my past has prepared me to deal with what is happening now.  Goodness if this had happen five or ten years ago, I would have been a babbling mess...lol.  My relationship with God has taught me, things happens for a reason and He will NEVER leave me alone.  So with Matt on one side and God on the other and my kids around....I will conquer any battle that comes my way.  that's it.. I need a battle cry like in the movie Red Tails.... I gotta think on that