Thursday, May 31, 2012

me not like Tamoxifen

Being on tamoxifen will be a challenge.... a challenge to continue taking these pills.  Most people take medicine to feel better.  Its hard to keep taking a pill that makes you feel worst than you did when you didn't take it.  The fatigue, joint pain and nausea sucks.  The hot flashes, I can handle. Give me a fan and I am happy.  I really hate that something that can save my life makes me feel so bad. :(   I guess I'm just having one of those bad days. 

Still looking for a place to live.  The one good this is that my baby boy is turning 1 year old on Sat.  He likes being around lots of people so this party should be fun.  He is walking ... well he can walk until he gets it's funny to watch.

Looking at my kids pushes me to take these pills. I know it won't be forever but 2-5 years seems a long time. I tell you, my faith in God and and constant reminders of God's promises to me... I really don't know how I would have gone thru this.  Thank You God.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Jacob--- the mouse killer

I had stayed home from bible study today cause I'm not feeling too great.  I have had hip and knee pain all day and a headache for most of the day and of course fatigue.  Well I had fixed dinner for my husband and while I was going to the kitchen to fix his plate, my wonderful black cat Jacob decides to drop a dead mouse at my feet.  I totally freaked out. He dropped it in the dining room.  I couldn't even go in the kitchen.. I was ready to go out the front door I was so freaked. This was the reason why we got him but I didn't expect him to bring it to me. EWWWWWWWWW.. I don't know why it freaked me out so bad.. It was dead.  OMG.. I can't handle dead mice.  Jacob just looked at me like what's your  i can't wait until we moved...Even tho we haven't seen any since we got Jacob.. I still don't care to see dead mice..  Thank goodness for teenage boys.  Jay thought it was cool ...He kept me from running out the front  I had wondered why the cat was in the basement most of the evening. Now I know...ewwwww..  I thought he was just playing with boxes..NOT!!!! well that was my exciting evening,,,  I didn't feel the pain in my hip and knees when i was trying to go out the

Monday, May 21, 2012

Hot lemon water benefits cancer

Well I am feeling somewhat better.. I'm still very very fatigued. I am able to deal with the hot flashes for now.. Fans are becoming my best my  I'm trying something new Hot lemon water.  I am suppose to drink it every day.  I just started today.  It would be nicer if I had started in the winter but if this is going to help keep my cancer away I will drink it anytime.  check it out
Not only is it the Vitamin C that is beneficial, but ...


Lemons and limes contain disease-fighting compounds known as limonoids. The human body is able to readily absorb a specific, long-acting limonoid known as limonin, according to the US Agricultural Research Service. Both lemons and limes contain nearly as much limonin as they do vitamin C. The results of a 2001 culture study summarized in "Nutrition and Cancer," revealed that this compound, at a concentration of 100 mcg/mL, was effective at partially inhibiting the growth of human ovarian cancer cells and inducing the death of breast cancer cells.  

I got this info from another blog.  It can't hurt to try it.  It seems like even if you don't have cancer that this can help you to be healthier.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

June 18th Yayyy!!!

June 18th is the day of my reconstruction. It is the day that I will feel almost normal again.  I will feel completely normal when I stop taking the tamoxifen. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I won't have to stay overnight.  YAYYY!!  Jay will be out of school to help me with Dylan for a couple of days. Oh I found out that my baby girl starts he NEW JOB with Discover as a credit analyst on the same day.  I am so proud of her. Now we just need to move into new home asap ( landlord doesn't want to fix some major problems with the house) and everything will be great.

I know my journey is not over but in June i will feel like that half  the race has been ran. Feb. 15th seems so far away, That was the day my body was changed. Jan 4, was the day my life was changed. 

Now this tamoxifen.  I didn't take it for 2 days cause I was just feeling so bad on it I started back up on Tues. feeling a little better.  Still having trouble staying asleep, now I have lower back pain.  The nausea isn't as bad if at all, no headaches, I do seem to be thirsty a lot.  The fatigue is still bad but I also feel that has a lot to do with my lack of restful sleep. 

So today I will start packing up this house cause we got to move no matter what. I'm glad I am strong enough to take care of this.. With this tamoxifen in my system, it will take a bit longer.  But I'm  I guess we will go house hunting this weekend. Still hanging in there.

A Strong Woman

A strong woman works out every day
to keep her body in shape,
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer
to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything,
but a woman of strength shows
courage in the midst of her fear.

A strong woman won't let anyone
get the best of her,
but a woman of strength
gives the best of herself to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes
and avoids the same in the future.
A woman of strength realizes
life's mistakes can also be God's
blessings and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman walks sure footedly,
but a woman of strength knows
God will catch her when she falls.

A strong woman wears the look
of confidence on her face,
but a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that
she is strong enough for the journey,
but a woman of strength has faith that it is
in the journey that she will become strong.

Author Unknown

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day

Mother's Day felt different for me this year. I was happy to have all my kids together but sadden at the same time for my husband's family,  Looking at my mother in law and her sisters knowing that had to bury their mother tomorrow breaks my heart.

I am happy to be free from cancer this Mother's day.  The meds they have me on are becoming a challenge but a challenge that is worth taking.  Just look at my 3 wonderful children.  Nay drove down for the day  It was nice sitting down and eating crabs with Nay and Jay. Dylan was sleep of course. I really enjoy being a mother. Listening to my daughter talk about her future and wanting to be a mom warms my heart.  I know she will be a great mother. I believe Jay will be an awesome dad some day.  He is so loving and caring.  As for my baby boy Dylan... it's hard to tell now but I know with the right guidance and love he will be just like his brother and sister.

I am happy to be a mom, momma and mommy. knowing I'm responsible for making these kids into responsible adults use to scare me but after seeing how my daughter turned out.... I'm pretty good at this mothering

Thank you God for trusting me with these 3 children.

tamox. day 4

I having the same old side effects as before.  I really need to start exercising cause I feel weak and tired more now.  I know there is a lot going on in my life with my husband's family in mourning over his grandmother.  It's so hard to watch them go thru this around Mother's day.  Plus with this house falling apart and trying to find a place to move to is stressful.  Breathe....... Breathe  I starting to have some hip pain but I'm not sure if its fibro or the meds.  I have had a constant sore throat like I got a cold coming on or something.  who knows. Maybe I just need more sleep.

Friday, May 11, 2012

tamox day 3

727 more days to go on this stuff.  The Dr. said 2 years then I can try to have a baby.  727 days to go.   I'm having hot flashes now.  I sitting here with a fan blowing on me.. I guess me and this fan will become good friends in the next 727 days. Still itchy,  fatigue and a headache that feels like a migraine is trying to start. The nausea has started but it's not that bad more irritating then anything else. Something else is happening, it's not exactly mood swings but a constant state. I can't say that I'm mad but just don't get on my nerves right  I guess I feel more aggressive.  Who knows.... these meds are very interesting. Well that's is what is going on so far with this stuff. 

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Tamox day 2

I'm gonna start tracking my side effects from this drug so I have a record.  Yesterday I was very tired and moody.  My period started yesterday also, with that said it's hard to tell if it's the meds or me.  The one thing I do think is the meds is the fact I have trouble sleeping. I don't stay asleep and have some trouble falling asleep.  The problem will be figuring out what is tamoxifen and what is fibromyalgia, cause a lot of the side effects are my regular fibro issues.  So this will be a fun ride.  Something else new that has started... I itch.  Yes I have had a  my skin feels like I got bugs crawling and biting at me all over.   It doesn't last forever but long enough to make me irritable.  My mood has changed also but my period is on now so we will see next week. Plus with the stress of everything it's hard to tell what  is what right now. I will keep track of it anyway to see if there is any kind of pattern.  Ok Now to start exercising..... So I'm alive.. hanging in there. I'm doing OK  :)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Bottle of tamoxifen

As I drove tot he drug store yesterday, I wanted to cry. I was finally going to pick up my prescription of tamoxifen. Jay walked in the store with me, for some reason having him there with me helped.. I guess cause I won't cry in front of him. I stay strong for him. When they laid the bottle on the counter, I didn't want to pick it up. I just looked at it and then asked if I can get auto refill for it.  I will be on it everyday for the next couple of years at least. The pharmacist went to the computer asked my name, the asked which one.  i was like OMG I got to say this out loud.  It took a bit but I was able to say "tamoxifen". I heard the tone in her voice change a bit.  It seem to happens a lot when people find out you had breast cancer. I picked up the bag and just looked at it. This is really happening. I have to take this stuff.  Another reminder of this battle with cancer.

Jay asked me if I was ok while we were walking out the store... I had to straighten my face.  I told him I was fine. He hugged me and said OK.  He knew just what to do to put a smile on my face.  His hugs are magic. It was an instant reminder why I'm taking this medicine. When we got home, I immediately went online to look up  more info about tamoxifen.... best time to take it, how to minimize the side effects, are there any good side effects, and anything else I could find.  I did find out I can't eat grapefruit  :(  I really like grapefruit and I really shouldn't have caffeine :(  I like my coffee.. I NEED my coffee sometimes  :(  oh well.  To see the smile on my son's face is worth it. There were some other things but these stood out more right

So I took my first pill late last night. With much hesitation I did it. I didn't sleep much last night.  So much is going on, Nay graduating, Matt's dear grandmother passing, my daddy being sick, my house falling apart and needing to move because of a stinky landlord, needing to start some kind of therapy so the cancer won't come back, looking for a place to live. Helping Jay deal with his "birth father"  Did I say I need to pack up the house I just unpacked....  I'm holding on. I can tell you one thing.. God sure does have a lot of faith in me. All I can do is give God control... or I will be

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Bitter sweet weekend

This weekend has been a difficult one.  I have shed tears of happiness and sorrow.  My oldest child graduated from college yesterday and my husband's grandmother passed away on Friday.  My husband was extremely close to his grandmother. I didn't know her for long but I had grown to love her and how her family interacted with her was beautiful.

 Then you have my daughter great accomplishment. I drove passed her freshman dorm. I want to cry. I remember watching her walk away from the car, so excited to start her college career. I remember the calls of happiness, sadness, or just "I miss you mommy call"or the famous "I need money call".  I welcomed them all. I had met her sorority sisters and close friends that have been there for her. It was pretty cool to see the Dean of Students make a point to come over to tell her to keep her head up about a job opp in Indiana. She knows people there. She has such a bright future. I feel like I did my job, I had help make her into a productive citizen. I remember when she was born and bringing her home.  I remember looking at this little baby thinking, OMG I am responsible for making her an adult. Honestly it wasn't that hard.  There were some challenges, I just provided her with everything she needed physically, mentally and emotionally. And she turned out perfect in my eyes.  I was reading her scrapbook and the things her administrators wrote in it just showed me the world thinks she is wonderful too. I can proudly say I did a good job. I have done something right in my life.  ok enough about her... got me crying again thinking about everything.

Now my heart is breaking to see him in so much pain. I personally have not lost someone that close to me. I knew how much he loved his grandmother, so I knew this time would be difficult. I have come to love his family dearly and to see them hurting is heartbreaking. All I can do is just hug them and let them talk about her.  I will be there when he wants me close and give him space when he needs it. I had prayed and asked God how can I help him best.  He told me to love him thru this...that's all he need from me. So I guess that's what I will be doing. Grief is tough.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Feeling Some Kinda Way

This last week or so has been very trying on my patience. Dealings with certain people, having to move because the owner of the house we rent, claim she can't afford(more like don't want to) fix the plumbing in the home I have only been in for 1 month. My baby girl graduating from college and I am not able to do much for her because of being out of work and needing every penny we got to move again. Accepting my treatment plan that will change my body maybe permanently.  It doesn't help that I am hormonal right now.  Everything really hit me when I got off the phone with my oncologist and told her I choose tamoxifen for my treatment and will not be doing chemo.  I am comfortable in my choice of no chemo.  Not crazy about the tamoxifen and it's possible side effects. For awhile there I really didn't have to deal with the cancer but I need to start treatment like NOW so my Dr. call in a prescription for tamoxifen so I can start today.  I was told to keep busy because it can cause blood clots.  Yayyyyy that's what i wanted to hear.  plus several other unpleasant side effects. But they keep saying that the benefit out weighs the side effects.. we will see.  I go back to see the oncologist in a month to see how I'm doing.  This whole thing just makes feel some kinda way.  It's hard to explain exactly.   Part of it is that I feel I have no control over this whole thing.  The only thing I was able to choose was not to take chemo. I dunno,  This whole cancer thing sucks. I have 5 years of this medication if my body can handle it. I'm really not looking forward to taking this stuff.