Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Post surgery

Wow that was an experience,  It was funny cause I didn't remember much that happened before my mastectomy last time.  That gosh darn lorazipan works wonders.  But this time I didn't take anything ... I was ready for this. I had the operating team laughing because I pretty much jump up on the table before they were ready for me..lol  Then afterwards ugggggggggg.. The pain was bad. it was getting close to labor pains.  I started to cry it was so bad.  I have a high pain threshold from dealing with the fibromyalgia.  That didn't make any difference I was hurting.. They kept giving me pain meds then they gave me liquid Tylenol.  That stuff works.  I'm on percocet now.  I seem to be in constant pain but not as bad as earlier.. It's like a burning sensation on the left side of my chest. I keep being told the results are worth it..  HMMMMMM they better be nice...lol  this mess hurts.

The good thing is I am able to move around better today.. got all that pain meds and anesthesia  from the hospital out of my system. My head doesn't feel fuzzy anymore. Now don't get me wrong I am so ever thankful for being able to have this surgery.  There are so many women that can't have reconstruction surgery for one reason or another. I have read the stories of my cancer friends and they seem to be going thru so much more than me.  I pray for them everyday.  These are some tough women. They make my journey look like a walk in the park. They still support and encourage me when needed. 

I am looking forward to healing so I can hold my baby Dylan again.  I kept kissing on him yesterday morning. He was looking at me like he knew why. I can't wait until I am able to tale him to the pool.  My big boy Jay has been such a blessing I really can't imagine life with out him. Nay couldn't come down because it was her first day on the job.  Last but definitely not least my hubby... he even went without food because I couldn't eat.  I love him so so much..

So now I focus on healing and moving.  Still got stuff to pack. I'm going to more of a director than anything else.  What a busy week we have.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Reconstruction Day

It is hard to believe that today I will have my reconstruction surgery.  There have been moments where I actually forget that I had cancer. Then I am given a reminder either with the tamoxifen or my hard right "breast"  The only thing I am not happy with is that I have to wait until 11 to go to the hospital.  I couldn't eat or drink anything after 12 midnight.  We still have packing to do, so I will be keeping myself busy packing until Matt takes me to the hospital. 

We are also moving this week but I won't be moving anything after today.  This house is falling apart.  Ok we got the sewage back up in the basement and the wall leaking in the basement then the hole in my kitchen ceiling showing the bathtub pipes and now the ceiling in the leaking wall room fell in.  this house is literally falling apart around us. I am so happy we are getting out of here this week.

It is weird, I am having very mixed feelings right now.  I'm excited, nervous,scared and angry that I even had to go thru this. I never had any surgery except a c-section for my daughter 23 years ago.  I turn 40 and I fall apart. 1st my gall bladder didn't want to stay a week after my birthday and then my breast didn't want to stay 2 weeks before my wedding. I thought I was doing pretty good health wise.  I eat pretty healthy, I don't smoke, I might have a drink once or twice a year even then I don't drink much.  It's crazy how cancer picks it victims. Well I'm pissed.  I was very happy with my breast BC  (before cancer).  Well one good thing about this is that I can go without a bra  :)  So as soon as the bandages come off Summer dresses here I come...lol 

I thank God for keeping my sanity.  You go thru so many different feelings once you are told you have cancer, that you feel kinda crazy at time. My faith in God has kept me sane ( now I know others might question the sane part..lol).  Thank You Lord for loving me and keeping me.  I couldn't have done it without you.  This journey isn't over yet.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


I just want everybody to know about the wonderful fathers in my life.  My fab husband stepped up and filled a empty spot in my son Jayson's life.  Seeing the two of them together warms my heart.  He has given him love, guidance and stability.  He is teaching him how to be a Man of God.  How to function in this world as a man. I am so grateful to have such a man in my life. I also LOVE watching him with our new baby boy Dylan.  This little boy will never know what it's like not to have a daddy.  He loves Matt so much and I can see and feel Matt's love for Dylan. Thank you God.Our children Thank you.

Thank you God for giving me my Daddy. I can't imagine going thru life without him. He has been there during the lowest and highest points in my life.  No matter how bad things have gotten My daddy let's me know it will be ok and I will get thru it.  My daddy's silent strength is stronger than anything I have ever seen.  To me my daddy is the next step to God.  Even at 42 years of age I'm a big Daddy's Girl.

Thank you God for placing these 2 men in my life.  I love these guys so much and I feel so blessed to be loved by them.  Thanks again

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

ER Visit

So yesterday I had to go to the ER.  I was having sever back pain.  I knew it was my kidney because I have had a bad infection once before.  I have been drinking water and eating better so I didn't understand why this was happening.  I was mad because I thought it was going to postpone my reconstruction surgery on Monday. Well I just had a kidney infection and I will still be able to have surgery on Monday. Yayyyyyy. But you know that little voice will always be there.  I wondered if the cancer had spread to my kidney.  I guess those thought will always be there when something is not right with my body. That is when I need to go into prayer

  We have also found a home to move to.. It's not what we want but it's a home until we are able to buy what we want... which the VA say we can do in a year. So I will make the best with what I have been given.  God always take care of your NEEDS not your wants.  so we needed a home and we got one.  We got to handle our wants.  I can't complain.. God had been very good to me and my family. Well that all the thought I have for today  :)

Monday, June 11, 2012


I sit here in tears.  I just heard that Robin Roberts of Good Morning America, cancer has come back.after 5 years. It is in her blood and bone marrow.  She did everything right.  She had chemo, ate right, exercise and had a very positive outlook on life. It came back. I know her cancer is different from mine but it shows no matter what you do it is all in God's hands.

I am starting to believe you can probably prevent some cancers but once you have  had it, if it comes back it will and there is really nothing you can do to prevent it from doing so. Some people get deal with it, and never see it again.  Others will fight it more than 1 time.  This was one of the reasons why I didn't do chemo.  They kept telling me it was preventive, like an insurance policy.  I would be furious if I had gone thru chemo and it still came back. This cancer thing really sucks.  I am hearing more and more women talk about their cancer coming back 5,6, 8 years later.  I really don't know what to think.  It kinda put you in a constant state of fear, the fear of not knowing.

All I know is that God told me that this won't kill me, but I see this will be a lifelong fight to live. I'm only at the 6 month mark. This makes me angry,  This is so unfair. God has his reasons and it's not for me to understand yet. God I trust you. Continue to guide me thru this journey.  Use me.

This is the article on Robin Roberts

Sunday, June 10, 2012


Ok with help from my husband I have been taking my meds like I am suppose to and my body seems to be adjusting.  I have not felt as bad as I did when I first started.  I see my Oncologist a couple days after my surgery. The fatigue is still bad but I did some research and I probably need to take some vitamin D. My levels were borderline before the cancer because of the fibromyalgia. So I will picking up some today.  If not I will sleep my life away...lol So I am feeling better.  I'm not scratching like a crackhead as much, the headaches are gone.  Now hot flashes.... still get those.  It makes it hard to have a cute haircut when you keep sweating it out every night.  I just might get my hair braided for awhile.

 It is kinda hard to believe that reconstruction is next week. Jan 4 2012 the day I found out I had cancer seems so far away.  It's funny how some dates are burned in your brain. Like the Big C day (Jan 4th 2012) and the Mastectomy day( Feb 15, 2012) and now New Boob Day( Jun 18, 2012).  New Boob day is a happy day to remember. I do need to have some other things done not cancer related but if I can do it with out surgery I will.  I have been looking into my options.

I'm doing well.  Me and tamoxifen are still not friends but we are getting along better.  God told me this journey won't kill me but it will be tough.  I'm a lot stronger than I thought.


 A friend of mine from a breast cancer support group found this.  I think it is wonderful!

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I think I’ll braid my hair today.’

So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
‘H-M-M,’ she said, ’I think I’ll part my hair down the middle today.’

So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘today I’m going to wear my hair in a pony tail.’

So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and noticed that there wasn’t a single hair on her head.
‘YAY!’ she exclaimed.

‘I don’t have to fix my hair today!’

Attitude is everything!

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…

It’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


http://answers.thebreastcancersite.com/?p=109.  I need to relax...

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Dylan 1st Birthday

Dylan and Spiderman

Renewed Inspiriation

It's funny how God works.  Yesterday was my baby boy Dylan's 1st birthday.  Now lately I have been getting frustrated with having to deal with the side effects of the tamoxifen  to the point I just wanted to stop taking it.  Well after seeing my kids yesterday, my fab daughter Nay just graduating from college and Jay almost in Highschool and lil Dylan.. his life is just starting and don't forget my husband... the smiles on his face yesterday. I have to be around for a very very long time.  God is only going to do so much... I have to do my part also.

One of my husband's oldest friends told me yesterday that this is the happiest they have ever seen my husband in his life.  I wanted to cry.  I turned around and looked at him laughing with family, Jay running around with the little ones, Nay chatting away with friend and Dylan toddling around...all smiles.  This is all I ever wanted, to see my family happy.  I was very happy that my little brother Cory stopped by. Family is so very important to me. Family is worth fighting for my life.  God is not going to fight alone. I have to do my part.

God knows I am hardheaded.  So he will wait until he knows I will listen after I have suffered some. Knowing I will hear what He has to say.  This time he didn't have to speak.  He just showed me. When your eyes are opened by God it's very.....hmmmmmm.. I  can't even think of a word to describe the feeling.  I just know what needs to be done to get what I want.

Thank you God for my family as crazy and eclectic as they may be, I love them... thank you for renewing my need to fight this cancer with everything I have.